Is it best to let my teenager learn on her own?

Question

My 15 year old daughter is not responsible. She gets up late and then throws a fit because I did not wake her up. I have told her that I will not wake her up on the weekends or weekdays.

She constantly throws tantrums because she can not manage her time and study when she should. She throws things around our apartment.

She also does not appreciate anything that I do for her. Today, she woke up late and I gave her a cereal bar to eat for breakfast. She did not have time to eat cereal. She threw it on the floor and said "I will just be hungry." Then, I went back and gave it to her.

She also said "I can't print my paper at school because its late." I said "You got up late." She complained because I was "rude" to her.

I leave her alone to study and go to the store and I find out from the cell phone records that she is on the phone......

I don't know how to let her know she is not doing the right things....tantrums and phone instead of studying....

Answer 1

I'm 17, so hopefully my point of view might help.

At 15 she probably should be able to get out of bed on time by herself. Does she use an alarm clock? Perhaps, each morning you could knock on her door and just say, "Its 7am" so she can hear you - or whatever time it is. Then at least you can't be blamed for not trying. I'd say wake her about an hour before she needs to leave for school.

Each night make sure she had packed her school bag for the next day and done all the work she needed to do - including printing out anything! I'd recommend a bed time of no later than 10:30, otherwise she'll not get enough sleep and be even more grouchy.

Throwing tantrums and items don't seem to be very mature, at the age of 15. I think you should talk to her and let her know there are other ways to express her anger! For example, going on a bike ride or a jog.

Regarding studying at home - there are far too many distractions. Set aside between one and two hours each day where she must concentrate only on her work, but let her have breaks at 30min intervals, otherwise she'll feel she's working too much. During this time don't let her use the phone, you should be able to exert such control considering you are her parent.

Also, she perhaps needs to learn to respect you more.

Answer 2

Parent up and show your child that there are consequences to her actions. I dont mean to be rude, but it is clear that you enable this behavior and have never disciplined consistently. 15 is gonna be a hard time to start this, and by this point you may or may not be able to get anywhere. She clearly has no respect for you or your house and belongings.

This will be a difficult process.

She is def old enough to get up on her own. If she over sleeps, it is not your issue, plain and simple. If she misses school that her own problem.

You need to set certain consequences to her actions and then follow through at the first sign of misbehavior. Consequences could be stuff like grounding. Cant go out, cant have friends over, no phone, no tv, no game console, no computer, no alone time, basically nothing that she likes or wants. If she keeps misbehaving, keep taking things, even if you get to the point that all she has in her room is her bed and clothing. No money from you guys either. If she gets allowance, take it away. Instead of sending her to school with money to buy lunch, make her brown bag. And dont start giving stuff back until her behavior is satisfactory. And dont give her back everything at once, she must earn each item.

I would try to give her a chance from the start. Think about and write down what the new rules and consequnces are. Sit down with her and discuss the changes that will be taking place and then follow through with what you say. Do NOT ask her what she thinks rules and consequences should be. She is clearly immature and shows by her every day actions that she does not have the responsibility to participate in these decisions.

Dont let her goad you into getting angry and upset and a screaming match. If she starts screaming and throwing things, disciplin her right then and there.



To the person below me, this has nothing to do with her being a normal teen and making her own mistakes. This is about having common courtesy and respect for her parents, the house she lives in and the possessions she has.

Answer 3

Take her to the store to pick out an alarm clock, she can wake to music, a voice that tells time, chimes that chime every hour or one that flashes on the wall. Together you should sit down and discuss the rules and consequences of breaking those rules. Ask for her input on what should be the rules and what should be the consequences. It will only work if you both agree to a commitment. Remember to compromise, but ultimately you will have the last say, you are the parent by all means. Call it a mother and daughter project and give her praises when she does something right.

Answer 4

First of all, a 15 year old throwing things on the floor? Oh heck no!! You better slap that girl, maybe will knock some sense into her! Maybe instead of still doing things for her just don't do ANYTHING! I mean nothing no cooking, laundry, cleaning, taking her anywhere nothing for a few days! Then she will start to figure out that her life isn't as bad as she is trying to make it! As for talking on the phone instead of studying, give her a set time everyday she has has has to do her school work, and during that time TAKE HER PHONE! Then when she is done with schoolwork give her the phone back! It's not going to be easy but it will work! Just stay CONSISTENT!! Let her know you are NOT playing her games!

Answer 5

well start by taking away her privilages like the cell phone. she needs to know she isnt the ruler of the house and you are. Get her outta bed at 7am, and do what it takes to get her up, try water, it works well. after school she sits at the dining table and does all her homework. then she can go sit somewhere and do something contructive when her chores are done.
Be the parent here. She is at a stubborn age right now, but it will pass, but you dont need her smart *** attitude in the mean time. or just stop doing everything for her she is big enough to prepare her own breakfasts in the morning, and if she sleeps in, well then yah, she will be hungry wont she.

Answer 6

It often is hard to let our children learn thru the lumps and bumps of life but if we always cushion their tumbles then they will come to expect that for the rest of their lives. I've had to let my children learn the hard way the after a certain age they have to be responsible for their own paths and that they create the hardships they suffer or the easy walking paths they may want to take. I would suggest making a list of some of the "pitfalls" your daughter falls into with her failure to be responsible (cell phone talking instead of studying, not setting her alarm, not making sure her homework is done in a timely fashion). You need to sit your daughter down and go over the list and perhaps you could make suggestions for ways she can be more responsible but she may listen, and she may not. If she doesn't you could leave the list in her bedroom or bathroom. But when she oversleeps make sure that you have a plan (will she have to walk to school or what) and if you take her it is on your time schedule so you won't be late to work or inconvenienced. It won't take her long to catch on as long as you are consistent. Good luck to you and God Bless.

Answer 7

So, if she's that rude to you and is mis-using the phone -- why does she still have a phone?

Thowing food on the floor in our house (can't imagine it, but if it did . . .) would mean that they were going to be late to school, because they would have to PICK IT UP AND MOP THE FLOOR. And she would have gone hungry, because it would be a cold day in hell before I chased after her to give it back to her!

Throwing anything in my house would be cause for scrubbing toilets, bathtubs, cat litter boxes -- anything else I could think of that was miserable work.

You're not her mom -- you're her doormat. Don't be afraid to discipline her. Sounds like her father let her get away with murder, and didn't do her any favors. No wonder she's not able to discipline herself -- it doesn't sound like anyone else ever did, either. Yes, she's been through a rough time -- I've been keeping up with your posts. But time for a little tough love, mama!

Answer 8

I sat take her phone, her t.v., her computer, her door, her ability to have friends over, her ability to go out other than school, and give her an alarm clock and say this will either wake you up or it wont. it all depends whether you turn it on or not. and tell her from now on you can cook yur own food. and make her do it. when i was 15 i was basically living on my own taking care of my moms house while she was working 3 jobs to keep the bills paid. so i cooked cleaned and everything... there was no time for tantrums and i grew up quickly... so maybe get her to do more stuff around the house and she'll learn about time management.

Answer 9

You def. arn't the bad guy in this situation..and don't let her convince you otherwise. She needs to learn some respect and understand that she is very capable of setting an alarm and getting up by herself if she dosn't want to have to eat on the run. As far as learning on her own..the only problem is that it is starting to interfere with her school work...but I would be willing to bet that some point before the paper is due she could find 3 minutes to print it off somehwere..so she is trying to be over dramatic. What I would do is start waking her up at extremly early...just to make sure she can get out of the door with everything she needs :) Then tell her that she can either get up with you or on her own and you don't want to hear about it if she gets up too late.

Answer 10

If your daughter wants to act like a child then treat her like one. She wants you to wake her up and fix her breakfast, then go all the way.

You wake her up and fix her breakfast, also set up times that she HAS to study...all you have to do is take her phone away during this time. I have even heard of parents making their kids teachers sign 'homework sheets' which is an assignment sheet that has everything that the child does during the day, and their homework assignments signed by the teacher, then must be signed by you when the homework is done. This may be a bit extreme, but it will also be embarrassing for her, and she may decide that it is time to act a little more mature. I also agree with the 'Futon' idea.