Married for 3yrs and never had sex, I want children he seems to have a sexual problem. What would u do?

Question

Although I love him I really want a child and we have had psycho sexual counselling together at relate. At the time he blamed me as I was a virgin when we married. Once we got to the point where he has to perform he just got stuck.It was like throwing money down the toilet so we stopped going to counselling as the counsellor acknowledged he was not moving forward. Whenever I talk about leaving he says he will change but never does.
Now I am determined to leave and have found a flat share he says he will kill himself...my friends say I should just have an affair to loose my virginity and get some practice and not rock the boat..I don't want to commit adultery..I feel so bad...but I really want a child and I don't want the guilt should he try and harm himself..his uncle committed suicide years ago..they say it can run in families..what would you do?

Answer 1

I wish I had an answer for you, but I am at a loss with this one.

A new counsellor is the only thing I can think of that does not include adultery or divorce-both of which are quite terminal to a marriage.

He might need to bear some responsibility for not telling you about this before you married.

Answer 2

seems to me you have confused a few things here. first of all you are married 3 years and still a virgin. that means you are just living together and you are not a couple. you have to experience a fully developed relationships with sex, to really have a marriage. even from the point of law, what you call marriage is not a marriage. you could have it annulled in no time.
then you talk about a child. just take a breath here and think that you will bring a child into a 'marriage' that is seriously troubled. ok.
then you say he will kill himself. that's childish and selfish. i could use more harsh words about him but you are a virgin and i know you don't understand.
your husband is impotent. you cannot have a real marriage or a child with an impotent man. now his threats are influencing you and making you feel guilty. what about you? you are in a travesty of a marriage. you have the right to claim your life and your body. you are a free person.
adultery is the worst possible advice in your case and i'm sorry but your friends are idiots. that would be way traumatic for you right now.
yes, sadly his uncle may have taken his life. so he needs to take this problem to a professional and not put it on you.
i would have left him dear. even for a short time to clear my head and find myself.
i really dont think you should try to have a child in any way now or commit 'adultery' ; go on with a new chapter in your life and experience the real life and love a woman needs. as far as what i think, you don't have a marriage. a room mate , maybe.
what you are experiencing is not healthy. before you get sick yourself, find the way out.

Answer 3

OK you really want a child but as you feel so unhappy and unsure about your relationship ... Now may not be the right time to think about conceiving.

What truly matters if the sexual problem you are having with your husband. he seems to be blaming you for it yet of all ... The fact that you are a virgin is not the cause. You both went for counselling and didn't go further. i think the problem lies with your husband. he seems to have some deep rooted issues, may trauma of some kind sustained before he met you?

Right now you need to communicate! Tell him how you feel and explain to him that his threat of committing suicide is simply emotional blackmail and nothing else.

Maybe a good idea to speak to his mum? Tell her what is causing the problem and see if she can come up with any explanations for his behaviour.

And as for counselling, granted he won't do it but you are entitled to see a counsellor for yourself! Explain what is happening, how it is getting you down and mention the suicide threat too! You need support yourself and i'm afraid you'll find that having an affair/Becoming pregnant will not solve anything.

Be strong, tell your husband what your needs are and get him to tell you why he is acting such an odd way. He married you, you're entitled to know what is wrong.

Answer 4

2 things here come screaming off the page 1) he blames you for his inability to perform and 2) he's threatening to kill himself if you leave. Do you really want to raise a child with a man who can't take responsibility for his own issues? Who will blame you when things don't go right? And manipulates you when you try to improve things? Is that a good role model for a child? Why are you willing to tolerate his behavior? Waiting until you are married to have sex is a gift - he is not treating it like one.

You say you love him, but is the desire to have a child what is keeping you with him?

You've checked all physical possibilities for his inability to perform, correct? And it sounds like you've tried counseling...so I'm sorry to ask this but is it possible he's gay and in denial? I have personally known circumstances like this - even to the point where the couple has 2 children and one parent finally admits they are (and always have been)gay. Absence of sex in the marriage is one clue.

Don't listen to your friends - once you ring that bell (an affair) you can never unring it. Should you and your husband work things out, you will always have the affair hanging over your head. Move out, and find a new counselor. Best of luck.

Answer 5

Oh please don't think this is your fault for one second, I am absolutely dumb founded as to how anyone could possibly think that!

My first instinct after reading this was that he may be gay, but obviously that is only 1 option. I think he should go councilling alone to sort out his demons, and not necessarily sexual councilling maybe its more than that, sounds like he is depressed if he threatens to kill himself and that isn't your fault.

Also, have you thought of using Viagra? It is definitely an option and he'll certainly have no trouble in that department once he has it. Or is it that he doesn't want to have sex? Have you had any sexual contact at all?

Don't cheat because if you accidently get pregnant by another man then it'll be pretty obvious it isn't your husbands! If I were going to marry someone I would have to make sure they wanted the same things in life that I wanted, and although I completely respect your decision to stay a virgin, I would have to be sure that they found me sexually attractive.

Answer 6

First of all there is nothing wrong getting married as a virgin.Sex is a special and beautiful thing but is best shared with that special some one in your life.Secondly if your man can't make love to you,it's 100% is fault.You can as well be having sex with your fellow girl .It's very callous and immature of him to blame his weakness in bed on you.If he believes his better,he should be teaching you and not heaping the blame on you.No one was born an expect in bed.we all learnt gradually.So is very cruel of him to make you feel guilty.Thirdly if a couple have been married for a period of one year without being consumated(without sex);then that married is null and void.You've EVERY right to live him.Personally I stay with a guy cos I love him not cos of sympathy or fear.Don't waste your whole life trying to please him at you expense only to regret in future why hadn't left him earlier.If he wants you to stay,he has recognise the fact that he is the problem and take steps to change his weakness in bed.If he can't do that on his own,he never will.Suicide will not help him either cos he'll always remember as a weakling in bed.Don't let him trap you in a marriage of convenience and pity,leave him.If he decides to kill himself,that's his funeral.He has no RIGHT to make you feel guilty.He should be the one to feel guilty.

Answer 7

You've never had sex in three years of marriage? That's not a marriage, that's a roommate.

Not sure what you mean by "got stuck", but sometimes you have to go really slow. Block out an hour and take it easy. Read some books on intimacy. Don't give up on counseling until you try a different counselor. Sometimes different approaches work differently for different people.

I wouldn't go the adultery route. It'll only get messier.

No matter what, you're not responsible for his decisions.

Answer 8

Wow you are in a rough situation! You really need to move on. He needs help and you are not able to give it to him and in alot of ways he's being selfish. He's the one with the problem how dare he drag you down with him for 3 years. If he won't go get help and get past this you need to leave. If he decides to commit suicide it wouldn't be because you left it would be the deep rooted problem he has that he can't unlock and let go. Don't have an affair. Leave. He's emotionally abusing you and that's not right! You still have a whole life in front of you don't let it pass you by.

Answer 9

I ABSOLUTELY think that our society is setting us up to fail, and I think it's something we should strive to change, though I'm not holding my breath about that happening. We teach our youngsters that sex is bad, it's dirty, it's disgusting. We do even worse with what we train young females, we pound into their heads that 'good girls don't', and if they do they better not enjoy it. We train people that it's something to be ashamed of, to be hidden. It's quite sad. If we could find a way to get a more healthy relationship with our sexuality it would prevent SO many problems. My SO watches porn!! Oh no, sex is dirty and disgusting, I think he's a deviant. MY SO wants, ewwww, ORAL SEX! Oh yeah, well mine wants me to (horror of horrors) actually ENJOY myself?!? Sex is a good, healthy, natural thing, meant to be enjoyed by all. Our puritanical prudish brainwashing that we give youngsters will continue to cause problems, generation after generation, until we change our ways. Break out the toys, break out the porn, let's get some good old fashioned monkey loving going on in here... and take some pictures, too!

Answer 10

I am shocked at times the things people will put up with. Absolutely shocked.
I have a number of guesses in my head as to why he is like this. Could he be Asexual? Homosexual? Did he think by marrying a virgin he could hide in the closet longer? Gosh that would be cruel.
He threatened suicide. He may be bluffing to get a reaction... but maybe he is severely clinically depressed?
I don't know about him.. but I do know it has NOTHING to do with you. This is his issue honey and I wouldn't wait around any longer for him to make it any more of your issue. You don't have kids, so there's one less thing to worry about.
I'm all about trying to make a marriage work, but after counseling and 3 years!!? It's time to hit the road, Jack!

By the way, no one can hold you hostage in a relationship by threatening suicide. If you choose to leave because you are unhappy and (*God Forbid) he did harm himself, it wouldn't be your fault. You are obligated to save no one. He needs to want to help himself.