I have been married for 18 years we don't have any kids.He met this woman a 1 year ago,he said that he didn't have sex with her he thinks that he loves her and they were talking about getting together for rest of their life.I found that on his cell phone .I asked him to end this with her ASAP.He said he need some time to think about it.he told me that he loves me and he wants to stay with me but still talks to her and didn't brake it off..
I don't know what to do I really love him and I want to stay with him...Please HELP !!!
2007-10-15 02:28:20 · 16 answers · asked by Sweet girl 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
firstgive him time to think about the situation but if he want to really be wit u then he should stay ask him do he wanna mess up 18 year to a 1year relationship. and open your self up more to him so hell stay ask him wat ur not doing right and wat u neeed to change
2007-10-15 02:33:38 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Ouch!!
I am not too sure what to say. It must be so tougth on you.
It's so unfair.
But, comes a point when you have to make a choice if he doesn't .
You can't put your marriage and feelings on sales.
I mean, it takes two to make a marriage work; it takes two to want a marriage.
if he is not into it 100%, then there's no chance that he is going to work.
Fair enough, he wants to sort out his feelings, but is it fair on you, his wife of 18 years to see him talk and chat and share feelings with another woman?
How would he like it if it were him???
He is being horribly selfish and unkind.
They probably deserve each other, and something tells me that as soon as he'll make the choice to go to that woman, it won't take him a month to regret it.
People like to think that the grass is greener on the other side.
Your husband wants his cake and eat it.
He is doing the unthinkable, one foot in and one out.
Why put up with that.
Get some strength, and give him the little push he needs and watch him beg you to come back.
Darling, if someone, your husband of 18 years is so unkind and cold hearted to put you through this, you have to be even colder and show him the door.
Don't sell yourself short after 18 years of effort, love and hardship.
He needs to be set straight and make his choice.
Good luck.xxx
2007-10-15 09:59:00 · answer #2 · answered by Kc 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before you decide on anything, please go to this website and chat with some others and view the information available - www.marriagebuilders.com. You will see that your husbands reaction is very normal in this type of situation and why. You are willing to work on your relationship, so anyone telling you to leave him or divorce him will not help you with what you wish. I may get hands down from many on this site, but I believe you and he have a good chance of making it, if this is what you wish to do. He is emotionally attached to this woman and you need some sound advise and tools to handle it. Take a look at the site; believe it will be worthwhile for you. He loves you, so you and he need to examine why he is reaching to this other woman. It is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong, but he has some issues to deal with, look at and with your help, overcome.
2007-10-15 09:37:57 · answer #3 · answered by pussycat 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Ask him how much time he needs to think about it. Pin him down, and circle the date on the calendar. If he tries to tell you he can't decide on a date, tell him that is unacceptable to you. If he utterly refuses a decision-by date, then it falls to you to set it. If you have to do it, try to be fair and give him a week or two. However, circle the date on the calendar and tell him that's the day that you will decide that any further inability on his part to decide has resulted in your understanding that he has chosen not to be faithful to you, his wife.
When the date arrives, ask him for his decision. If he refuses, follow through and treat your marriage consistently with the fact that your husband is unfaithful to you. If he chooses you, though, make him prove it. You need to hear a final conversation with the other woman in which he tells her it's over; he needs to delete her numbers from his phone; and he needs to delete her email address. Anything less is unacceptable.
2007-10-15 09:43:15 · answer #4 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If he loves you, he needs to make a clear decision to stop all contact with this other woman. It is cruel to expect you to sit back and have this continue, it hurts you terribly and continues to damage the marriage. It is also cruel to the other woman for him to lead her on and let her believe that he will continue a relationship with her when he is telling you that he wants your marriage.
You might have to make your boundaries VERY clear. That he has to make a commitment to your marriage, or you might have to make a decision that you do not want. That you are willing to work to rebuild the marriage from this horrible trauma, but it is far to painful for you to endure his continued affair. That if he will not do this, you might have to seek legal advise and have him move out. He might need that reality shock to have him take you seriously. He has been the cakeman for a year now, enjoying having attention from both of you. Unfortunately, most likely there is more to his affair than he tells you. Almost all wayward spouses deny everything in the begining.
You need some good support. Following are two good support groups that have lots of helpful people who have also gone through this. Both are free.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html
2007-10-15 22:23:10 · answer #5 · answered by joyh 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ultimately,he will be the one who wins and you will be the one always wondering what if, what if,? If he can't be faithful to you (even on an emotional level) after 18 years of marriage, is that something you want to stick around for? You have no kids, no one to look after but yourself, so why should you not get a second chance on life? If he won't go to counseling with you then let him make his choices outside your home and make peace with yourself... Good Luck and God Bless
2007-10-15 09:37:22 · answer #6 · answered by arisanai84 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
you cant trust him, if he doesnt want to end the relationship with the other woman. U say youve been married for 18 years and have no kids, it shouldnt be that hard to leave him, you'd be doing it for yourself. U say he told you he hasnt had sex with her, and yet like that he cant leave her, could you imagine if when he will have sex with her, how hooked on her he will be?...There's nothing to stop you from leaving him, why would you want to be cheated on...let him go. There's plenty of fish in the ocean.....
2007-10-15 09:35:39 · answer #7 · answered by txladybug_2 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why in the world would you want to stay with some one who wants to THINK ABOUT whether to break it of with his lover???
It is quite obvious that he likes having his cake and eating it too. He has you and he has her. You put up with it and he has the best of both worlds. You don't have anything, he doesn't even give you the respect that you deserve.
Get a good lawyer, kick him to the curb, get yourself a job, ask for the home, a car , and alimony.
2007-10-15 09:35:52 · answer #8 · answered by suzie 7 · 5⤊ 1⤋
your name says it all "sweet girl" it seems that your husband loves you ,but is no longer in love with you. He is being honest and upfront with you about this other woman b/c he apparently has feelings for her. As for you- don't sell yourself short because of love. It may not be what you want but it sure is what you're going to get. It could be worst, him sneaking and lying that would hurt so much more if you felt "suspicion" instead of "knowing" Stand tall and hold your head high, if your husband wants to be with this other woman then: LET HIM GO! don't settle for second best, always always go for first!
2007-10-15 09:36:53 · answer #9 · answered by SUGA 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
move on, 18 years he is tired of being with the same woman, why waste your time,, he is only going to hurt you in the end
2007-10-15 12:14:55 · answer #10 · answered by rich2481 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, since he can't decide, decide for him! head to your lawyer and file for divorce, and get alimony! he stays w/ you so he don't have to pay alimony! don't put up w/ a man who is not fighting to be w/ you and you only, he does not love anyone but himself... dump him... if he does not break it off w/ her now! I would not put up w/ a jerk like this, love or no love... he has no idea of the meaning of the word!
2007-10-15 10:03:08 · answer #11 · answered by elvlayarvvi fEisty wife and mom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋