I whisper your name
And I feel the shame
For all this time
We've been playing a game
I wish to see you,
So I gaze at the moon
It's the only light
And I hear the birds croon
I miss your words
Cuz you're not there;
Honey you're away,
And it's not fair
So here I stand,
Listening to a song
It reminds me of you
As I hum along
Now I realize
That your heart is near
I know it because . . .
Your voice is what I hear
So let's hold hands
And stand together
Let's tell the night sky,
We're one forever.
2007-10-14 22:29:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Good point, Jeyn . . . I actually deliberately made this poem simple because I wrote it for a person who didn't have good English skills or good interpretive skills.
2007-10-15 01:51:29 · update #1
i understand that you miss somebody but it's not an excuse for this...
i know you can do better than the rhyme coz when people try to rhyme they end up with the usual things that other people get bored of...
the last lines were pretty ok though..
gudluck!
2007-10-14 23:42:54 · answer #1 · answered by Karnival Kid 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's okay, but 1 rhyme seemed forced. Your 2nd stanza. Plus, you rhymed 3 times in the 1st stanza, but only twice through the rest. That was kind of disappointing... And yes, it is a bit simple, but not every poem has to be 3 pages long either. Believe me I've read and written simpler.
So in the end, I like it. Not a big fan rhymes, but I like this. Luck in life.
2007-10-15 15:20:52 · answer #2 · answered by Twili 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's good because of the rhymes and stuff..
but..
this poem is a bit shallow..
i'm looking for something striking in the thought or atleast in the words you use in constructing each line but i don't see any.. sorry...
you'll improve soon, keep writing.. :)
2007-10-15 00:33:05 · answer #3 · answered by jeyn.. 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I thought it was brilliant, I can really feel the pain in it but also the love that is involved........keep going with the poetry....ur really good
2007-10-15 00:05:17 · answer #4 · answered by aj 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1 to 10, I'd give 7 not a bad effort, but not great either.
2007-10-15 04:28:19 · answer #5 · answered by Dondi 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
wow! i love it...on a scale of one two ten thats a perfect 20+
2007-10-14 22:38:26 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cool...I don't know much about poems but I like it...
2007-10-15 03:05:53 · answer #7 · answered by Nyah 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
good poem, i think someone was in love. could it be you? lol. cute poem i dig.
2007-10-15 04:43:04 · answer #8 · answered by HEARTBOUND♥ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow good job... sometimes simple is better anyways.. good job.
2007-10-15 06:41:21 · answer #9 · answered by dragonflyy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I loved it...GOD BLESS
2007-10-15 04:17:11 · answer #10 · answered by mysteryousmtz 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋