Trusting Hubby again?

Question

My husband fooled on me once by having an other woman for 6 months.. they stopped when i discovered it and iam very furious that i was betrayed. But my husband is very determined to win me back and i saw all his willingness to get my forgivess in so many ways.. now, we are having a nice time and wanting to add a new baby in the family. However my doubts are always there, i cant help it. I often check on him. I can see he is a changed man after confessing his fault and wanting to start again. But i cant forget what he did to me.please help me on how to manage my doubts in a way that my husband will feel that i trust him again.. Though i trust him again but not completely. Right now, he is telling me whereever the gurl tries to call her and he ignored. Once he showed me an email from a girl begging for a time but he never answered. I love my husband and we both want each other to grow old together. My problem is how to build a trust again.Thanks for your time.

Answer 1

The simple answer is: There is no simple answer.

Take each day for what it is worth.

Sometimes it takes only once for a guy or a gal to get caught and they stay on the straight and narrow forever and never cheat again.

Nowhere does it say that you should forget what he did but you can forgive him and move on with your life with him together.

Enjoy the baby-planning and don't get caught up in the nastiness of the "what happened befores".

Little by little, day by day, he is showing you what he is doing and trying to build your trust.

My only question is - why are these girls contacting him? What is it about him that these other girls want to hook up with him. Part of his showing you could be to keep you on your toes that he has "other" offers. However, that is the negative of it all.

You know your situation best.

Communication - talk, talk, talk, is the best remedy for being in the know of your marrriage and keeping it going and building the trust back up.

Answer 2

Coming from someone who was cheated on years back, I can tell you that trust can be rebuilt and those nagging "what ifs" do eventually stop popping in your head. BUT that will never happen until you both do some soul searching, get honest with each other and find out why the affair took place in the first place.
Then, and only then can you begin to move forward. (This took me two years)

Another thing you can do, is switch cell phones with him. If and when the girl calls, tell her he no longer has this number. And cancel the email address. It is just as easy to set up another account. That way he doesn't get anymore emails and no temptation until you guys work this out completely. Then do as you are, in checking up on him. Right now, he needs to be an open book and be held accountable for every second of every hour of every day. If he's late by five minutes, he better have a damn good explanation. If there is a number on his phone you don't recognize, you should be allowed to call it, etc. And I know you think this isn't going to allow you to build trust, but it is honey. He needs to know what he did was not okay and that he's not going to get away with it a second time. If he questions it, tell him that he was the one who gave you the reason not to trust him and that if he wants that back, this is part of the process that helps get you there.

I know alot of people say that if you love him, you let it go and forgive...which sounds great, but it's not reality. People can say they forgive all day long, but when it comes to matters of the heart...that type of true forgiveness takes time.

I wish you luck honey, patience and the strength of God...you may need it to get yourself through this at times.

Answer 3

First of all, sometimes cheating really is a one time thing. Please don't let anyone convince you you're doing the wrong thing by trying to rebuild the relationship. When I had problems with my husband having an emotional affair a lot of people called me stupid for trying again, but I can honestly say that our relationship is better now than it was before that. So it is worth trying to rebuild trust, even though there are times when you'll feel horrible.

Unfortunately, it takes a lot of time to overcome betrayal. You both have to be willing and ready to work through it. Keep the lines of communication open and when you start feeling insecure tell him as soon as it happens. If he is doing something to make you uncomfortable let him know in a calm way what you're feeling, privately if possible. That will let him know what hurts you and he will remember it in the future, too.

Being pregnant really screws with your emotions and I don't recommend it if you are feeling so insecure. It makes everything bad feel ten times worse. It's better to wait and have a baby in a relationship that you feel secure in than get pregnant now and feel miserable about it for almost a year. Assuming you are young you should still have some time to have a baby.

Good luck! It's a big thing to get through and hopefully you will both come out the other side stronger and closer.

Answer 4

Wait on the baby. Give this some time. I assume you have full access to his email, cell, etc. I assume he calls and tells you where he is and is an open book?

You are right to have doubts. You can't control whether he cheats or he doesn't so don't go driving yourself crazy trying to play police woman. Either he is in the relationship or he is out. What is different now than it was then that would make you believe he is a changed man?

The only thing that will make you secure is time and him being dependable. If he starts acting in similiar ways to the ways he acted when he was cheating, you can trust he's at it again, proof or not.

I think you are smart and kind and hope it all works, out, but please hold off on the baby. Let this marriage heal. Babies are an incredible stressor on a relationship.

Good luck. I hope hubby really is true to his word. Statistics aren't in his favor.

Answer 5

It takes years to build up a trust with another person, but it only takes the suspicion of wrongdoing to destroy that trust. Once a man you love does something that hurts you as badly as an affair does, it's hard as hell to ever trust him again. You may never be able to completely.

As for the doubts you have, they'll always be there. But, with time they'll fade. I can tell you from experience that it gets a little bit easier everyday.

Remember this...
If you really want your marriage to work, you can make it happen. It's only over if you choose to give up.

Answer 6

Once something like adultery has happened, it can never be taken back. You will always live with that suspicion, and trust me, he will always live with the shame of having done it. If you want a truly happy marriage, you must put your full trust in him again, but acknowledge at the same time that he has a weakness for the flesh. If you love him, then that's the course to take.

Answer 7

I too have been through this situation. After we have been betrayed it is very hard for us to trust again. As long as you see he is making every effort to make your marriage work it will get easier in time to trust again. I know it is hard not to ask, if he spoke to someone today, or did he receive any emails today, but we just have to keep pushing those thoughts out of our mind. We will never forget the betrayal, it just gets easier to deal with it. Trust will come back in time. Good Luck

Answer 8

well, it is going to take time to regain trust, who knows how long, that is all up to you. it is good that he is showing the ready and wilingness to win your trust and love back, that shows that he is sincerely sorry and is ashamed of what he did. this happened btwn me and my fiance when i was prego. i was crushed but still deeply in love with him, and he also showed the determination to make it work. (we are still together a yr later, stronger than ever). when it happened i came on here and asked a similar ?. the best answer i got which completly made sense and made me feel so much better...
i was the one who forgave him so it is up to me to move on and contribute to making a fresh new start. etc. not exactly verbatum but in a nut shell. but it is true. if you forgave him, you need to move on. it will be impossible to forget though, it will probably always follow you 2. good luck (sorry for my novel answer)

Answer 9

Get a GPS tracker on his cell phone and monitor where he goes over the web.
You can also check through all received and sent calls in his phone's records.
You can also track where he goes using OnStar or other equipment.
This will be a matter of vigilance and disclosure of both your parts.
You really need to see a marriage counselor.

Answer 10

Give yourself and the marraige enough time to build the trust. Its a long process and dont rust yourself into it and beleiving in all that he says and does. Your instincts will tell your the truth and time will say it all. Stay positive and dont hold yourself back. Time will take care of it all.