My husband chose to give up custody of his children to be with me.?

Question

He moved to my state and gave custody to his ex because she was always comming to his house and no one had any peace. I am grateful, however there of course are problems of guilt on his part still....it has been three years. What can I do to help him....he feels that he has to play the role of the buddy, and take all kinds of abuse from them.....I know he hurts so badly and it makes me a bit crazy at them (silently) to see them do this to him. How can I help him through this?

His children aren't abandoned. They chose to stay in the schools they were in. He talks to them every day, we have them every other weekend and holidays....most of the summer. He is a good father.

Answer 1

Hmm... I feel for you, what a difficult situation.
Lets think about this logically.
How do people stay in touch with each other when they are a long distance away?
Webcams are great. This way he can talk to the kids everyday and catch up with what is going on with them. Buy the kids a computer for their home and let them hook up a webcam that he can use to have them communicate with him everyday.
Get a phone plan for the kids... like a prepaid card. This phone is ONLY to be used for talking to dad. I have a Virgin Moblie pay-as-you-go phone. I pay for the minutes online with my credit card. He can control everything they do with this phone via the computer. He can even track EVERY single number they call. This way my son cannot go all willy nilly with the minutes and put me in the poor house.
When the kids visit there wont be this incredible guilt because he will have kept up with them better.
I understand how he feels, it would kill me to be away from my kids. BUT, FINDING HAPPINESS WITH YOU IS JUST AS IMPORTANT. Don't under value your contribution to his happiness.
You both just have to adjust to the new rules and the new situation. You can do it. The kids will learn to adjust as well. They are LUCKY to have such a wonderful dad and new step mom.
My son never met his father due to his father developing a problem with heroine. I would not allow him to be around us. So..... these kids are pretty well off to have a dad who cares so much about them. Give him a big hug for me and tell him that I think he is a great dad. I wish more men could be like him. It is truly very important. :o)
God Bless You Both and Good Luck!

Answer 2

I'm shocked at the lack of compassion here. What most people don't realize is how many men suffer very painfully from custody problems. More often than not, the ex wife and bio mom is an active participant in setting up problems between the father and his kids. And depending on the age of the kids, they participate too. Of course we all understand children's dilemmas from divorce - no question. But when older children actively try to hurt either the new wife or their father... they are wrong. No child above the age of 10 is innocent when it comes to being aware they are treating another human being badly. They know what they are doing.
And when the ex wife ( their mom) encourages it, she is showing them the wrong path to take in life.
So does Dad give up his chance at happiness to live a life being degraded by an ex, and treated poorly by his children? That is not a positive role model either. Obviously the ex wife wanted complete control and would not let anyone rest until she got it.
Dad should not feel bad, if the kids treat him badly, that's their problem. The ex wife created the situation for those kids, not him. He has every right to be happy. Those kids will grow up and have their own lives someday and will understand the situation better then.
Joint custody rarely works, it just serves to confuse children about parental role models.
Dad as a punching bag? Yeah, that's positive and he should stick around for that? No one else in these kid's lives will do that, and the earlier they learn that , the better.
Treat people the way you would want to be treated. Anyone would be motivated to remove themselves from a bad situation that had no chance of improvement. And that includes hateful ex wives and spiteful kids. Those kids are probably happier without all the drama in their lives.
You both hang in there... better days are coming!

Answer 3

The children probably resent you and him both because they feel he abandoned them which in a way he did and you let him do it. So just deal with it. A man should never leave his kids for another woman and she shouldn't have asked or expected him to it was wrong. He needs to be there for his kids whether or not they want to be around you for the time being they are confused and there is no telling what the ex has told them. "Your dad doesn't love you" "if he did he would have stayed here" He could have found a way to deal with the ex when he was there but now she has won and she has the kids. I don't know what to tell you if he gave up custody does he have visitation at all?

Answer 4

Hi,

I sincerely hope you two aren't planning to have any children together.
I would have asked the ages of his children and a few other questions before making any kind of negative comment.

Unfortunately, the fact that he not only gave up custody but also left the state his children are in when from the second sentence of your question, it seems that the mother in question isn't the parent these children were comfortable with makes me lose what compassion I might have had.

The best way to help him would be to move back with him to the state he left for you, or encourage him to see if it's possible for him to regain custody and move the children to live with the two of you.

The only other thing I can say is if your husband chose to give up custody to be with you at your insistence or with your encouragement because you had no interest in sharing in the care of his children. I would sincerely hope that you both suffer not only guilt but I'd throw in a bunch of bad luck to keep the guilt company

Answer 5

You said he moved to another state to be with you so how do you work out you have the children every other weekend as well as holidays? how do they get to your house ? train ? bus ? plane? I'm guessing it's a long trip to and from either way so I dont blame the kids for being angry with him.

As to your statement they arent abandoned ? your wrong on that count as well , he gave full custody of them to their mother and moved to another state , they are children of divorce and they are hurting and feel as if they have done something to make him choose you over them.

Those children have every right to be unhappy at him for choosing a woman over them , but all that aside , can you both get jobs back in the state the children live in or do you have children to your ex husband which is probably a contributing factor that your not telling us about?Did you both meet on line in a chat forum and cheated with each other behind the partner's you had backs?.

Either way you've done the damage and these children will take until at least their teens to calm down and accept you if they ever do , or accept that their dad does love them , so just listen to him when he cries or gets angry and hold him and love him thats all you can do.

Answer 6

there is NOTHING that you can do NOW. you should have been a STAND up WOMAN when that man was talking to you about giving up custody of his kids to be with you and you and him probably wont even last as long as the oldest kid is old. shame on him. he should feel some guilt and you too for that matter. what do him making a move like that say about you. do you realize the detriment that this kids will endure because of what their mom is saying to them about their dad, how she is molding them to hate him and you for that matter. since he has given up his rights so that he can have PEACE than he needs to cut all ties and make no more contact with the kids and leave them alone. he needed you so badly and you needed him so much that you sit by and watch this man deny his kids their father but YOU were HAPPY so you thought. now lets see how long you stay be this man while the quilt eat his butt alive. and please be mindful of what goes around comes around. GodBless

Answer 7

He can't get finished custody till he has info which you're a foul mom, drugs, abandonment, police checklist? you want an lawyer and you want your lawyer to counteract this action. Get busy. Do you artwork finished time? it rather is ideal in case you do no longer go away your son with anybody different than a mind-blowing baby care provider, or extra suitable yet, your mom or sister. do no longer provide him any reason to be waiting to instruct that your son is far off from you apart from once you flow to artwork. don't be courting till this all settled. do no longer flow away for the weekend and go away your son with a baby sitter. do no longer flow away, considering the undeniable fact that would desire to be grounds for him to take your son... it does not make sense... yet you need to instruct you want your son. He would have a private investigator watching you. the place are your dad and mom? be beneficial to have them come to flow to and be a element of your son's life.. this would be significant, too.

Answer 8

He made a CHOICE to give up custody of his children for YOU. He has no right to feel hurt. IF he didn't want to get hurt, IF he didn't want to feel guilt then HE should not have made the choice that he did. Your husband in an adult and is responsible for the consequences of HIS actions. YOU need to quit blaming his children and his ex for what they have "done" to him and for the two of you to grow up and be adults. His children are NOT responsible for HIS choices.

Answer 9

I can promise you, my ex tried many times to make my life so misserable that I would give up my kids. The one time that I considered it, all that I could do is lay in bed with the faces of my kids going through my mind and their voices telling me that they love me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that he deserves what he's getting and you should be getting some to because of your selfishness in letting him give up his kids.

Answer 10

He gave up custody of his kids? he deserves all the guilt he feels. How would you have felt if your parents did this to you?