For men please: if you've cheated, realistically how do you expect your wife to react?

Question

suppose you say you love your wife, suppose you want to be forgiven, and the other woman was a mistake.
Describe your definition of forgiveness, is it instant? do you expect her to never mention it again? do you do territorial bonding with your wife? or do you gradually give back the love to her, a little at a time?
do you resent her setting rules and boundaries for you that you refuse to follow? (No one tells me how to behave) or do you comply with her requests?

I'm looking for a man's perspective here please.

Def: Territorial bonding: is like when you see your small child run into the road and very nearly get hit by a car. you are all over the child with frenzied love and hugs because you thought you nearly lost them.

He is the one that is struggling to get past it, despite my having forgiven him.

i don't feel like he is making enough effort, he is lukewarm with me and still wants me to take some responsibility. its like he wants control of the situation, he'll make amends on his terms.

Answer 1

If he cheated, he's wrong - '...I will love you for better or worse, richer or poorer, etc.' - admitting wrong and asking forgiveness are first and second, without exception. He should accept that she will/should be angry, feel betrayed, resentful - he would. Less vehemence on her part may suggest a casual approach, and hopefully at least one is focused on the marriage full-time.
Accept and pursue counseling to get the cause of betrayal out, if she's up for this. Infidelity is endorsed in all major cultures (and the Bible for that matter) as reason for divorce, so he's got to be serious and 'real time' about this. Issues should include personal habits, thoughts, opinions and accountability w/in the life (2 become 1) he's damaged.
Hurt feelings and betrayal take different times to heal and would likely include earning respect again. He should be like Smith Barney and do it the old fashioned way - earn it.
In time, (assuming the wife works with him) this could and should be finished like the saying of "burying the hatchet", but that time frame is individual. Carrying it over the head of the guilty to maintain power or advantage would keep the offense alive and in the present.
At best, his wife will allow him to earn his place in the house and her life again. He should be willing to prove he's good for it in both present and future.

Answer 2

I haven't cheated, but I've been on the receiving end when my lady did.... so, here's my perspective.

It depends on context -- and it depends on the reason.

A one-night stand with an old flame is very different than a long affair that got started with a stranger. Nobody is perfect, and everybody makes mistakes. This issue is -- how bad was the mistake, and how likely is it to occur again.

But more importantly, for me -- how will what happened, and because of that what might happen again -- change our relationship. It's one thing to have a semi-open marriage or relationship, where specific 'cheating' is defined and allowed -- it's another entirely to have the other person lie about it. And it's even more important to know whether I can depend on my spouse to be honest in the future.

As for forgiveness -- that depends on the first two aspects -- how big a mistake (how long it went on) and whether it is likely to happen again, and if so, under what circumstances.

Boundaries and rules are necessary in any relationship -- but they must also be mutual. And that doesn't mean one person paying lip service or trying to tolerate something they really don't want to obey -- it means honestly accepting certain limits and living by them.

And what those limits are -- and how far they can be bent -- is something that each couple needs to decide for themselves. And either way, they need to talk about it -- talk -- not accuse, not threaten, not complain, not demand -- talk.

Answer 3

Forgiveness and forgetting are 2 different things. I don't think that I would expect a woman to forget (probably forever) but it wouldn't be healthy for the relationship for the woman to "use" the infidelity to control the guy and set rules and boundaries that you didn't have bfore - it you want back the relationship you previously had then you have to make it like it was, otherwise, the "cheating" will always be there.
I don't know what you mean by "territorial bonding" or "giving back the love to her"...if you truly want to forgive then you have to move past it - completely...no new rules, no new behaviour (except, obviously the cheating)

Answer 4

At first, she will certainly be angry and full of hatred. However, if she is understanding and doesn't want to have a broken home, she will listen as her husband explains, taking some notes between lines of his statements the wife could have picked some hints why her husband has gone astray. You should know however, that anger and hatred could never solve a problem. Love and and understanding do... the very essence why women are made lovable, understanding and patient. Men, however should appreciate it, rather than taking advantage out of it.

Answer 5

I never cheated but was cheated on. I knew I could never trust again completely so we never got back together. After a while we even became friends again.

Each couple is unique and you will know better that any of us how far you can trust him again. He might bridle under too much control and lash out in rebellion. People justify their infidelity for a lot of reasons. I hope things work out for you ...I sympathize.

Answer 6

I am a newly married man who has been in a very long relationship and has never cheated.
I believe that if I did cheat, I would lose something from the relationship that I would never get back, even if she didn't leave me.
I believe that it would be very justifiable for a woman's forgiveness to take a very long time to grow.
Whatever happens, it is a very bad situation that I hope will never arise in my lifetime.

Answer 7

If he cheated on you he doesn't really love you. If you truly love someone you would never do anything to hurt them that you could control.

If he expects to be forgiven then he has to earn it.

Go to marriage counseling.

Answer 8

If I was in a relationship with a woman,there has to be a common trust between us. Is there going to be temptation? Of course there'll be. But if both of you truly love each other,you won't give in.
Once a cheater,always a cheater.

Answer 9

I think cheating all but ends relationships. Trust would be very difficult to restore. My wife would not be able to handle it and eventually it would lead to divorce. She would try her best to get over it but it's hard to get over something like a cheating spouse.

Answer 10

One question one answere.
My wife would want to all the details,and then decide to divorce or not, and make my life a living
hell.