Married 20 years and my husband wants a divorce. I never even saw it coming.?

Question

In the last 5 years we have seemed to become even closer. He started goin to church with me. Out of the blue he started becomming distant and then a few months later told me he was leaving and wanted a divorce. No seperaton or councelng. A divorce. He said he could'nt do it anymore.

Answer 1

If you ever get over the pain it will surprise me.
You may forgive but for get? = NOT.
My heart goes out to you and I will pray for your support.
I am old enough to and lived long enough to realize that prayer on your part will bring to you great and wonder full results.
Put God first and you will become first.
I am stating this for a reason and am asking you to do something for you and all those around you for ever.
If you are to stubborn to do it, don't blame any one but you.
Get by your bed side, Pray for God to teach you how to pray=first step. Say this. My most Gracious Heavenly father, I come be for you this day asking you how to pray. (tears will come to your eyes more than likely) Wait 8 or 10 seconds and say the prayers that come to your mind. Speak them out loud and be alone when you do this.
We have other gods-we worship in this world. Our children to our possessions. But only one Heavenly father. Ask specifics and do specifics when speaking to the Father and son Jesus Christ. End your prayer in = In Jesus name AMAN.
Lower your self to him and he will raise you up all the days of your life.

Answer 2

It looked hopeful up until the point where I read he had beat you. He is the classic abuser - bullying you, refusing to take responsibility for his actions, using your love for him against you... If you think at 38 you will never find anyone and should work things out with him, you are wrong, and he has accomplished what he set out to do. Abusers make you feel worthless. Do not waste anymore time trying to work things out. He has you wrapped around his finger. I guarantee if you started divorce proceedings he would try to get you back. Don't fall for it! It doesn't matter what has happened to a person...it doesn't give them an excuse to mistreat others! My husband also had a mean, verbally abusive mother and an alcoholic, cheating father who walked out on them when he was four. Even when the father got visitation, he would pick him up, drop him off at his house, and go party the whole weekend, leaving my husband all by himself. The result? A lot of emotional damage but he made it his life's ambition to help other kids who were in similar or worse situations. Not hurt others.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry to hear this. Last year, my husband of 15 years did the exact same thing. I didn't see it coming. Of course looking back I think in the 2 weeks before he left, he seems dispondent and depressed. He told me then that he was just "tired". He ended up leaving me saying he needed to be on his own "for a while". He never came back. The divorce papers on in process now and I should expect them in the next week or so.

I know how much this hurts. You thought you'd be together always (through thick and thin). However, now you must concentrate on yourself. It is the most difficult thing you will have to do. Trust me. It does get better. We were together for 18 years and I thought I was safe and secure. Life sure does throw curve balls at you! I'm confident that, even though it is so hard at times, that this is what needs to happen. You need to be your own person and fall in love with yourself all over again.

You will be happy again. I promise that. It will not be easy, you will cry a river of tears and feel like your life is over. It is not. It is just beginning. Life has a plan for all of us.

You feel like you'll never get over a situation you're going through now, but you need to realize that in a few years the pain will have faded greatly. You will be whole again. My thoughts are with you.

Answer 4

I agree with white fan.

My marriage ended almost like that last year out of the blue went from being a couple to separate people.

I would recommend that you talk to friends or family members that have gone through a divorce and see if they could recommend a good attorney. We filed ourselves and later realized that I was on the losing end of that deal. That is why I recommend that you use a lawyer she had a lawyer on the side giving her advice and how to push the emotional buttons.

It Will be a roller coaster of emotions for you so button the seat belt and go along for hate ride. If you want to Chat let me know. I accept IM's not a lawyer but if you are in California been there and done that.

You will need a support system of friends and family to help you through the next couple of months so please do not be afraid to ask them for help.

I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for you .

In my opinion he has been seeing someone else.

Bill

Answer 5

Well, I am sorry. Maybe he is making a clean start? OR maybe he has another woman?
It is hard to say.
It is just like the car wreck my hubby was in...HE didn't see the gravel truck until it hit him...and by then it was far too late to do anything to prevent it.
You cannot change a persons mind, nor their choices. IF this is what he wants and does not wish to discuss it...let him go.
I know it hurts so bad that you feel sick, that the bile is rising in your throat and your heart is feeling like it is being torn from your body.
But you cannot change that which is in his heart. You can only help yourself at this point. Encourage yourself, find things that lift you up and make you feel good.
You know sometimes, if a man sees how well you are doing and how good you look without them...they come running home.

Take this time for you honey. Get your hair done, go out with friends...who knows...you might make him jealous and he'll come back to you again!

Answer 6

Unfortunately, this is how majority of divorces happen with the unexpecting spouse having no idea. There isnt really much you can do at this point. You can contest it but then the divorce becomes nasty, costly, and time consuming and he willstillwin in the long run. You need to remain calm as best you can and decide what you want out of this marriage. You dont say if children are involved or not,but if there are they will most likely be awarded to you with support unless you can be ruled unfit to be custodial parent. Best to remain friends if possible and work out a settlement out of court beween you two or a mediator if necessary. Sorry about the marriage and best of luck to you on your future

Answer 7

I really don't care for the opinionated answers that generalize men. My wife did the same exact thing after 9 years. Just told me one morning on our way to work that she wouldn;t be needing a ride home and that we were over. It came out of nowhere. So I followed her that night in my friend's car and sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed. Women do this crap too. I was totally crushed, even more seeing them together than me spending the day guessing what happened. It took me about 3 years to get over that one and finally be able to get serious with someone else. The wife I have now makes me grateful for the day my first wife told me she wanted a divorce.

Answer 8

That is because he concealed it well and you trusted what was right before your eyes. Am sure he has found someone else and gave his love to her; that is why the distance - - I am sorry, I know how bad it hurts. He may very well wish he never made this decision. Good old middle age crisis; it happens so often and the men can be so foolish; not realizing they had what they needed and now threw that away. Please look up this website; it will help you - many going through what you are right now. www.marriagebuilders.com (Deals with divorce and the aftermath also)

Answer 9

I can only imagine how you must feel. It sounds as though he has his mind made up. I'm wondering if there's another woman in his life. His behavior seems to point that way, especially since he won't go for counseling. Starting over on your own isn't easy, after 20 years of marriage but in time, it'll get easier just take a day at a time. (I speak from experience...was married 38 yrs.)

Answer 10

it happened to me exacly the same way, my ex and i were getting closer, it was christmas time 4 years ago, i was happy. i saw no problems either except after awhile he became distant, found reasons to leave the house, found reasons to go out of town on weekends saying he needed to visit his bro, i felt totally ignored that christmas, and was really hurt that we spent no time together on the holiday. than the day after christmas he came in and out of the blue asked for a divorce, i waited patiently for his return thought certinly he would change his mind, as we hadn't had any arguements. i waited a couple of months, nearly going out of my mind with grief. but still hopeful, until i ask if he was seeing someone else, he reluctantly said no, i asked him again and pleaded for the truth, finally it came out he had someone and had for quite some time, only admitting to just meeting her but i knew better and knew it had been going on under my nose as it always does. i also pleaded for counciling, but he said no. well i had to accept it, it hurt, and i am just now getting over it, and beginning to see that maybe i did the right thing by filing for divorce, looking back on it i can see now that even if he had come back i would not have felt the same and the innocence of the marriage was gone. they do hide it well and we are last to know. call family, get with a close friend who is willing to listen because your going to need a friend, than contact your attorney, and freeze the assetts, and move forward with it. as its never going to be the same, and when men do this its usually another woman stroking their ego, and pulling at their heartstrings, and demanding he divorce his wife.