Best friend and husband screwing? Who's more to blame?

Question

My husband is screwing my (now ex) best friend. My marriage was over anyway and I have met someone else too. I have no problem with my husband moving on in his life as neither of us blame the other for the marriage breakdown and that's genuine.

My husband always liked my friend and she knew about this. When we told people we were separating she then split from her husband weeks later. I have found out that all the time she was listening to my troubles that she was corresponding and meeting with my husband behind my back. Probably making sure it was over so she could leave one wealthy man to move straight on with another I truly believe.

He's now moved on with her and isn't even my friend anymore. Who is more deceptive and the bigger liar? And who is the worst person in this? Him for turniing his back on me and my kids or her for stabbing me in the back?? This is all part of my cleansing of the situation! Thank you xx

Answer 1

They both are but I would say that your "friend" is the one more to blame because she is a manipulative b*tch!

Answer 2

obviously the marriage didn't mean much to you, your husband or your friend. You said you found someone anyways. Was this before or after your husband cheated.

You should have never confided in your best friends about your problems. Your problems were with your husband, not your friend. She used your ammunition against you. SHAME SHAME SHAME.

This is where we mess up ladies, telling the wrong people our problems! You should have sought God(if you believe in God, do know these days, not many folks talk about the wonderful things God can do for them) or sought a marriage counselor. You basically have taken your baggage to another relationship. Cleansing would have been taking time to get yourself together and realizing your self worth. You don't need a man to make you feel important.

I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 3

When we told people we were separating she then split from her husband weeks later. I have found out that all the time she was listening to my troubles that she was corresponding and meeting with my husband behind my back


That part makes me think this was going on during the marriage as well. I think they had been cheating with each other for some time and you never found out. I think that they might had planned the end of the marriages to somewhat correspond so they can start new lives with each other.

Answer 4

There's a lot of different things going on here so let's try and break it down.

(i'm going to play devils advocate a bit so i will keep my opinion till the end)

First of all you say your marriage was already over so we have to consider this was (technically) a single person meeting a single person, you were not with your husband when he got together with her. There may have been a point where she was still with her husband but that's an issue for them and not for you.

Secondly, when you have an ex partner (which he is) then you have absolutely no say whatsoever in who he dates or gets involved with (bear with me on this one) in the same way he has no say who you start seeing.

So despite all that, there's the issue of them cheating, as in where they together emotionally, sexually, or just as friends when you will still with your husband.
Probability says they've been banging each other silly for ages especially as they got together straight away after they both seperated from their partners, but you HAVE to consider was this something that only started after they split.

Do you want to give them the benefit of the doubt?
Will you ever know the truth?

Last of all is the fact she's your best friend.
It's a story heard millions of times where the best friend is the shoulder to cry on and then becomes the new partner.
She has a right (again) to date who she wants if she has left her husband, he's a single guy, right?

Ok, end of the devils advocate bit and now for my opinion.

Things were going wrong, she became his 'confidant' as she knows both of you and was a prime candidate for him to 'quiz' so he could find out what you'd been saying to your friends, if there was a chance of reconciliation, if YOU had been seeing someone else, etc.
Over this time they probably were jumping each others bones and both splits were planned, it's all too convienient for anything else to have happened.

I think you were no longer a couple so he was free to see someone else, although i personally wouldn't go for someone else so quickly if i had any sort of respect for my ex. There obviously a lot of love at some time and i feel (probably old fashioned) that you should give an ex time to get over the break without rubbing salt into the wound.

IF nothing happened between them until after you'd split (ahem) then i think they were still morally wrong, there is a line that shouldn't be crossed, and that line is where a friends partner stands. (be it an ex or not)

Yes, he was morally wrong and most people would agree, but SHE was absolutely wrong as she was still your friend, involved in your break up, meeting him behind your back, etc.
After all, there are millions of people on this earth so why did she have to go for him?

You need to get this mess and them out of your mind as much as possible, he still needs to have contact with your children and your feelings shouldn't come into that in the slightest or you are harming them even more.

However, i GUARENTEE this relationship will not last, he will come knocking on your door and it will probably be within the next 12 months.

The question for YOU now is, when that happens what are you going to do?

Answer 5

That's a tough situation to be in...
They are both equally to blame. They have both betrayed you in different ways. Sounds like you will be better off to move on and make a good life with your kids. The part that stinks for you is that she will be in your life still as long as they stay together because you have kids with this man. You are obviously already the bigger person and will continue to be. Make choices that are best for you and your children. As for them...what goes around, comes around! They'll get theirs sooner or later...

Good luck to you and your kids!

Answer 6

Well first off she was never really a friend because friends just dont do that to each other regardless if you guys were seperating or not...but you took vows with your husband and that is more than a friendship i know you said you guys were seperating but come on..you guys loved and respected each other at some point and he should know better if he was gonna screw somebody why did it have to be with your friend?? so disrespectful i blame him more...friends always come and go and look at it this way would she have moved to a different state to be with you NOOOO but a husband would because you guys are supposed to be a team.i blame him more

Answer 7

When you say my marriage was over anyway, and have met someone else too. Makes me wonder , why did you rush to meet some one else. In my opinion your marriage was not for the right reasons, and there were problems from the beginning. Well you should be glad its over. I think all three of you need to mature.

Answer 8

that is like asking whether you prefer hanging or a firing squad - you die either way. Yet, they are different. He is wrong for not trying harder to save your marriage and she is wrong for taking advantage of the chance to be his next what, victim or conquest depending upon point of view. Were I to pick one to blame the worst it would be her because perhaps there could nave been a way to save the marriage when you first separated but for the fact that she was meeting him behind your back and offering him, I am sure, an alternative. Glad to see you had the sense to get rid of both of them.

Answer 9

It takes two to tango...and apparently 3 to make a problem this large. I think you don't need to assign blame to anyone, including yourself at this point. It doesn't really matter now, does it? What has happened has happened and they're both liars... there is no worse, you're fortunate they are semi out of your life and YOU can move on to something better than what you had. Good luck!

Answer 10

well, i would usually say the one in the marriage is to blame, as it as him who held any commitment to you, but i must say, that if your friend was manipulating your marriage breakdown for her own selfish gains then it would have to be her.

that is, of corse, if they were meeting before you both decided to end your marriage, if this all happened after the event then i would say neither...they were both single adults, just they should both have had more respect for you as a friend, and an ex wife.

i hope you are now truly happy xx

Answer 11

they are both to blame.
but as a woman we like to blame the other woman.

but for her to be your best friend, i don't know what is worst. she was like your sister. that two faced h.o.e.

although you say you and your husband was already breaking up, i think it would not hurt so much if you did not know the lady. that is a devastating blow.

but my model is karMA is a bi+ch. i definately believe in what goes around comes around.

for your sake, the next time you meet a female friend, don't give her too much info about you and your man.

girl, this got me heated. i want to beat the broad for you. that is wrong with us women today, we don't have any unity or code of ethics amongst each other. we have woman that do not have a problem sleeping with other women men.

yes, he is too blame for hurting you.