when your parents get old would you let them move in with you ?

Question

so that you could look after them , like they do in other countries in europe , or would you put them in a care/nursing home ?

its a hard one isn't i love my parents to bits , my mum is very ill at the mo , and my dad has early stages of senile dementia , she is in process of having a carer soon , i have 2 young children and i'm a single working mum , how would i cope btw they don't live any way near me either

i know both my brothers wouldn't not because they don't get on , i think they think it would be down to me !! if the worst happened

i live in the u.k and the nursing care is of a very high quality , my parents have always said they would hate to be a burden on us three children , i wouldn't want to burden my children either in later years ,

i don't have any in-laws btw but if i did , i wouldn't be asking this question because it would be a big fat no chance , lol

ahh mary that s lovely i never got on with my mother-in -law , she was evil to me always poking her nose in , and stirring it up between me and her son , and telling the children off for no good reason , my last comment was a little mean beacuse most people do get on with their in-laws sorry if i've offended anyone !!!

Answer 1

I used to think that until it actually happened...in a lot of ways it was good for all of us and in a lot of ways it was bad for all of us...I am glad for the time together, but she needed so much more help than we could give her...if I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't...she would have died a lot happier and I would have happier memories of her, instead of all the garbage at the end that I had to put up with 24/7--I basically did the job of doctors, nurses, nurse's aides, dieticians, counselors on 3 different shifts all by myself and it about killed me and destroyed my family...definitely changed my mind how "important" it was to take care of her myself...would rather have visited her in a nursing home and let someone else do all the dirty work so I could have had the "enjoying" part to remember her by...

Answer 2

Actually, I gave up my job and my home to move back in with my parents when they could no longer do everything for themselves every day.

I had been looking after them part time for three years leading up to that decision...and it WAS a hard one. But my home was rented and their's was completely paid for...it was no contest as to who would come to whom.

Also my kids were grown and mostly out of the house at the time. I made the decision to leave my job only very reluctantly, but the fact that I was two hours away from them if anything should happen finally decided me on the choice to take a buy-out from my employer.

And my father really did need to be watched because he was continuously tearing motors apart and then putting them back together again in order to "make them run better" and then having them blow because he created a short. When it happened to the furnace for the second time in one year, I finally had to put a couple of dead bolts on that door...he was NOT pleased.

And his dementia had him being very nasty and mean to my mother, who was having her own problems fighting inoperable cancer. So yes, I needed to be here to protect them from themselves as well as from outside influences. And to top it off, I had my youngest brother trying to extort money off of my parents. I only found out about it $85,000 later.

But your circumstances are nothing like mine. You have young children and your first priority MUST BE to them. If you can get them into an assisted living facility that is good and run by kind personnel, and you go to visit them regularly, I don't see why that can't be acceptable to everyone.

All I can say is to do thorough and comprehensive research before you make any final decisions. And don't forget talking to the people that already live there. If the management doesn't want you doing that, it should put a big red flag of caution up for you about that facility. The good ones have absolutely NOTHING to hide....just wander the grounds and ask questions of a whole slew of different people. It is really the best barometer of how good a place is.

Answer 3

I'd like to think I would but who knows unless your actually faced with it that's a tough one Bex and I don't envy you, I know how hard it is to care for a elderly person I helped my mum with her mother in law last year she has cancer and god it was hard work and I couldn't believe the things my mum had to do and a few times my mum would turn to me and have a good cry because she was at her wits end eventually my mum and step dad decided to pay for full time carers which are very good and although my mum calls in now and does bits and bobs also shopping she doesn't do the heavy load, all I will say Bex is really think about it because it is unbelievable how much hard work it is and it's 24/7 I use to come home sometimes and have a cry. Best wishes Bx

Answer 4

I always said I would care for my mum when she got older, my dad had already passed away. It was something I was adamant I would do. MY mum wasn't going to end up in a nursing home!!!

I love my mum like life itself BUT its was sooo hard. The whole dynamics of the household changes. The relationship between me and mum and my kids and mum, between my hubby and my mum and between my hubby and me became different to what it was before. And not for the better I'm afraid. We went right back into the mother/daughter mode and I felt powerless in my own home. Its not anything deliberate but things just changed.
The strain on my family was quite awful toward the end.

I m not saying don't do it but please consider things very carefully before you make any decisions. Talk to people you know who have done it, ring up the relevant govt departments and see what kind of 'in home' care is available so your mum can stay at home longer.
Speak to dementia associations in your state and see what suggestions they come up with.

Mum lived with us for 3 years until I had no choice but to move her into a nursing home because of Alzheimer's. I still feel terrible guilt over it but I know I did the right thing. She is in the care of highly trained professionals who at the end of a long shift can go home and switch off.

So inform yourself and think very carefully before you make a decision.

BTW: the nursing home mum is in is TOP QUALITY A+ standard. The Australian Government has VERY strict rules about these homes

Answer 5

If my mother were just old, yes, she could live with me, but she has alzheimers, cannot live alone, needs care and I work FT so she lives in an assisted living facility and is actually quite happy there.

My Dad is deceased, but I would have had him in my home if again he was medically able.

Families that are able to do that usually have folk who do not work or multiple people to share the burden of care.

Do not feel guilty if they go to a good caring home/facility. They will be amongst people they can share with and have activities and good care!

Answer 6

As long as you think you could cope,especially with their illness'es,,,you could get carers in who would be their in the day,and you will after all need a break too,,and you also have to think off your children in this,would it be really fair on them,,i know off some organisations who could help with employing carers and things like that,or if they have a social worker you could ask her/him.If you want too know pls dont hesitate too email me,im sure you will make the best decision at the end off the day, good luck too you xxx

Answer 7

NO. Fortunately they have both passed away & I never had to be faced with this decision. I left home at 18 & never went back. I escaped my dysfunctional home environment & I would have no problems visiting my parents if they were in a nursing home...but I would NOT want to have to care for them or put up with them. My child has said that she won't "let" me go into a home when the time comes & I hope that I die before I am forced to live with a child who seems to be the reincarnation of my dead Mother. I don't need another control freak in my life. Don't get me wrong...I love her for her dedication, but she can't even care for a dog, let alone another human. I know it would be hell for both of us & I never want to burden my child with something they can't handle. The last thing I want is for her to have to change MY diaper & feed me...that's not a pretty thought to leave your child with when you die. I hope she can visit me & say goodbye. If she can't, then I think she knows that I meant well & wanted the best for her & for myself in my final days. I can't understand why aging adults would drag their children into being caregivers for them. It's just too cruel to your adult children to have to care for you. They need to be able to have a life that doesn't include having to worry about sick people! Let the "health professionals" deal with the dying & let the living have a life that doesn't include having to sacrifice their own lives! Sadly, most children only want to do it to get their hands on the inheritence!

Answer 8

My parents have already taken care of that. They have set up long term care. They have told us of their plans and they will be taken care of if the need arises. My parents would not want us (their children) to have to take care of them. Not that we are abusive or anything like that. They feel that they would be putting an unnecessary burden on us. Right or wrong, that is what they wish and we respect that.

Answer 9

Since both have past, I will answer with a few thoughts....

Ideally, I would be healthy enough myself to care for them and then yes, they would be living with me.

Honestly my father was a bigoted pain in the behind and I would definitely TRY and be the good daughter and have him with me, but there would definitely have to be some ground rules.

I just can't imagine tossing family out...uncared for and unloved. That's what family IS!

Guess I'd be on the valium with GW...lol

Answer 10

of course, i will! cause they sacrifice almost everything to make them sure that i am ok! i would never ever give my parents or let them cared by the nurses! cause they are my parents and that is my responsibility to take care of my parents! cause they are my gifts that i got since i was a baby and until now! i will never ever leave my parents alone especially in an old age! they want or need to be there right beside them, to show how much we love them, to support them and to show how much we are thankful to have them and to become their parents! i hope you'll do the same thing to let your parents live w/ you when they are at the old age when they needed our support as their children!