How do I deal with my husband who is selfish and obsessed with material things?

Question

I don't know if I should be using this venue, but I really need some advice. My husband and i have 2 children and he is totally obsessed with his "stuff." His stereo equipment, his toys (he has comics, collectibles, cd's, dvd's, antiques, his car etc.) Whenever one of the kids touch his "stuff" he gets angry and yells that he can't have anything nice. To top that off, he wants the kids cut off from half of the house so he can have his own private space. Right now we're looking for a house and we've been fighting over this issue. We've fought so much that I don't feel the same for him. It's hard for me to get close to him and we've been snippy towards each other. He turns it around to make me look like the bad one, I'm starting to think I am . Counseling hasn't worked in the past. I guess I knew he liked his "stuff" before i married him, but I didn't think it would be this bad. I'm thinking of leaving him. Advice? We've been married for 8 yrs.

Answer 1

Sadly, it sounds like you have an extra child instead of a husband. I am curious if he was raised like that... to not touch his parents stuff, or if this is just some obsession of his own making.

I have a family member who went through a similer problem with her husband. It wasn't about not allowing their child to touch his stuff.......... it was about him over spending on stereo's, DVD's, cd's, etc..... It finally got to the point where he had to be put on an allowance!

Cutting off half the house isn't the answer. What he should do is store his collectables in such a way that they can't be messed with. Comics can go in a filing cabinet that can be locked, as an example. But I'm also reminded of Dr Spock (not that I agreed with all his writing... but...) who wrote that you don't remove things from a child's reach, but rather, teach the child to respect the more fragile stuff and to not touch them without permission.

I'd remind him that he is your partner and that family should come before his possesions. If he is going to get all dramatic about how he can't have nice things... then tell him that he needs to cut down on the things till the kids are older. That will solve that problem! Or he can work out that every time he buys something for himself, he has to buy something for the kids! heh heh

Mostly though, I'd remind him that he can collect things for the rest of his life, but his kids will only be kids for a relatively short period of time. Rather than getting an ulcer worrying about his "stuff" he needs to get the bug out of his butt and enjoy the time that he has with them NOW, versus when they are older and don't have the foundation for a good relationship with him like they should.

Good luck to you and God bless.

Answer 2

Well, Katia, you've managed to survive 8 years with his "quirk". I guess it could be worse.

He's not expressing it very well, but he does have a right to have his "stuff", as do you, as do the children.

There's nothing wrong with teaching the children to respect other people's things, either.

I know, this is extreme, but he has a point, as I said, even if he isn't communicating it well.

Get on board with him. Go buy your new house, shop with an eye for his personal space. Some folks have a den, or a formal living room where the children are not allowed. I think he'd like a den.

You've come across his hard line. It's okay. He has a right to his weirdness. You appear to have lived with it so far. Maybe, with the den, he wouldn't feel like he's always having to guard his stuff. (And yell.) So, put yourselves in a position where you can have peace in your house.

As far a the car goes....ummm, the kids are too young to travel independently so you may want to come to some agreement that the car gets detailed once a year or something.

As far as cutting the kids off from half the house, ummm, if you can afford it, go for it....if not, I'd recommend a big den.

Or maybe allow the kids their rooms and a playroom. They don't have to be everywhere.

See if you can find a compromise. He isn't just pulling one on you, he's really like this, and if you're gonna make it, dear, you need to help him.

Good luck, Katia...
and God bless you and yours.

Answer 3

He is too much into material things. Tell him that you want a house with a large separate garage and all his things - the stereo, toys and such can be in the garage with him but the main reason for thinking in terms of divorce instead would be so that your children do not see that and turn out to be the same way with their spouses some day especially since you tried counseling and that didn't work.

Answer 4

Let me just advise you that you cannot be married to a selfish person! SELFISH PEOPLE CANNOT BE MARRIED, THEY HAVE TO BE ALONE!

You should have know this, before you were married. It's really sad, because there are children involved, but he is not treating you and your children with love and respect. He is an evil idiot if he could be acting like that and obviously not acting like a husband or father.

You cannot let him do this to you and your children. You have to get some self respect, pride and dignity and threaten that you cannot live like this. Threaten that you've had enough with his immature stupid selfish ways and if he doesn't change, you will file for divorce and he will lose everything! If he chooses to take the material nonsense over his wife and children, then file immediately! Good Luck

Answer 5

It is for you to find out how much it is affecting your life, everyone has their own hobbies and they are passionalte about it, it is good that they have interests, and keeps them busy. Why bring his interest between the two of you? He is not doing drugs, or anything, its just his hobby! Ask if he was not a responsible father? Is his hobby getting more attention than you? If yes talk to him and work out a plan so he gets his happiness and you get yours.
You are the best judge, this is your life and you alone know what is not working for you. Have your hobby so you get to do some fun things which is healthy. Looks like you miss his attention, just talk to him, and let him know how you feel, and talk to him out side of the house just the two of you may be on a special dinner when you two are alone. Communication is important in marriage.

Answer 6

Sounds like your husband has OCD. (Obsessive-compulsive-Disorder)
He may like his toys, but has lost touch with reality. To wake him out of his fantasy land,discuss wills. Yes, last will and testament. Ask him who he will leave all these wonderful toys to when he passes away. Him visualizing other people touching his stuff may make him see how superficial his behaviour is.

There is an old saying " He who has the most toys when he dies, wins!" They forgot to finish it : " But nonetheless, is still dead".

He is becoming snippy because of his selfishness. Get the kids out of the house, then deliberately move or hide something of his stuff. The key is to make him upset to the point he is acting out . Better if you can record either on video and / or audio so he can see/ hear what his behaviour sounds like from the outside in. It will cause an argument, but may be the straw that breaks the camels back.

Answer 7

See if you can make a room especially for him, for his "stuff". Most guys like to have their things. However, it's not right to snap at you or the children for touching his stuff. Now that he's married he should share his belongings with his family. He's not alone anymore. But dividing half of the house sounds absurd, try the "his room" idea and see if that works. Good Luck =)

Answer 8

I think that some people are control freaks.
And you two seem to have a different approach to life.
Could that be linked to the type of job he's doing or is it just a trait of personality?
What you need to make him see, is that, while it's good to have some space, you don't want to shut your own family out to surround yourself with material, as, no matter are valuable they are, they'll never replace the pleasure, warm and love a loving and united family can give you.
He should on the contrary teach the children to appreciate what is important to him and teach them how to treat them with respect, as shutting them out, pushing them away, punishing them, yelling at them won't achieve the same goal and he'll be left with those stuff and nothing else.
My ex-husband was doing that to me, not to the children, but to me.
When we separated, I remember telling him that, no matter what amount of money one has, if they don't have someone to share it with, then, it'll be meaningless!

Answer 9

My step-father was this same way. We had a successful business and while he was buying cellphones, cars, and gadgets, my mother was always trying to keep up with the bookwork and making sure employees got paid on time.

Finally, after 9 years of marriage she sold the business out from under him to our competitors (since the business was in my grandparent's names since they had loaned the money) and my mother took him on a drive and told him he needed to move out the same day and told him the business was sold.

I was 12.

Thank God she did it. Every time she would tell him to get rid of a THING he would go out a month later and find something new to bring home. It sounds like your guy doesn't want to be a family man. He wants to surround himself with meaningless THINGS.

Answer 10

find a house with a basement that he can have as his space
make sure you have enough house on the main and/or upper level(s) that the kids don't need to use the basement as a play area

everyone needs space of their own

although it sounds like he might have deeper issues

remember, if you're fighting all the time, it is NOT healthy for the kids