My friend's ex husband won't leave her alone.?

Question

After 7 years of divorcing her ex husband he still won't let her get on with her life. They had 2 children together. He will not play the part of a father: ie - be there when they are sick, take them on holidays, do their homework, buy them clothes and only wants them when it suits him. They have to fit around his work. She has remarried a great man, I can't fault him. He does everything a father is supposed to do for those children. They even have a little baby between them and she is very lucky to be here with us due to the constant stress her ex husband put her through. Has already lost a baby through her latest court battle to keep the children they have together for someone who just want's the fun part of the children. He even messes with their heads saying that their Mum isn't in a proper relationship (family) because they have different surnames. He is just playing power games. Any advice on what to do?

Answer 1

This is a typical situation of what happens when you divorce and break up a family, then turn around and start a new family, the whole household ends up disfunctional. For starters your friend should have never jumped into a new relationship untill her children got a great deal older, as divorce is very,difficult on kids, and your friend should have never had another child, theirs just way to much happening and changing for these children, and I also notice you seem to be more concerned about your friend then her children? Come on these kids need to be top priority, not mom, not the new husband. And why is it that the ex- is always the bad guy, and the new hubby is the knight in shinning armour? Come on I,ll bet if she were to divorce the new husband and turn his life upside down he wouldnt be a very nice guy either! So always keep in mind, that its always the ex, the one on the outside looking in the always gets beat up upon in a broken family. So while Im sure your friends a nice great person and who knows her new hubby might even be decent? Just understand that broken familys need time to heal, and your friend should have never remarried, this caused this whole family, ex-husband included, a life of confusion and disfunction, and it will take years if not ever to become mentally healthy individuals. So my advise to you is to stay out of the family drama, I just dont see that you will be any help, if your friend does need help or advise, tell her to contact a family therapist.

Answer 2

First off, if visitation was established, then he has set days to see the children. He can choose to/not to exercise that right.

Second, if he asks for the kids on a date not specified in the court order, then she can and should refuse.

SHE needs to quit playing the game. She can send a copy of the court order to him, and then anytime he's out of line all she has to do is go, "It doesn't say that in the court order."

She also needs to quit stressing about him getting the kids. She needs to document his erratic visits with the kids, and any comments they make after the visit. Just pick up a notebook and keep a log.

She has the stable home.

Go ahead and take them for counseling a bit, and let a neutral third party document.

Avoid involving Social Services unless the children are being abused.

She has the tools, she just needs to learn to use them.

Answer 3

Yes. Ask her what she would do to you if you were only her'fair weather best friend' I have a friend right now that's only accepting her ex back because he's her security blanket I don't call her, she calls me I refuse to let her be a 'doormat' for this guy he's a jerk, but she doesen't see it that way. with that said, why would she even let this guy back into her life? He must be her 'emotional' sercurity blanket. All you can really do is stand by her,and wait for him to be a jerk again and support her when she figures this out for herself. Be a real friend and don't freak out if she chooses to spend time with him instead of you. Just tell her 'you do know you're married, right?' this should help her.Fight for her when she can't for herself. If he's 'doing it for the children',he isn't a very good father.Ask her not to exclude the father from the children's lives, but be there for them when the 'daddy' [paternal-father] isn't.

Answer 4

Until the moron does something illegal, other than telling him to stop. There isnt much that can be done. Some people are just scum. He sounds like the type of guy that needs to be taken out behind a woodshed..
Just every time he doesnt do supposed to, report it. One thing. have a lawyer make a phone call. Bullies are usually afraid of bigger bullies. Expect some blustering but play fair and tough. Dont play Ms nice girl. The best thing the step Dad can do is just be a loving understanding man who role models well. I wish parents wouldnt do that type of stuff to thier kids.

Answer 5

under uk law, put a an order against him, and play him at his own game, hen his arranges to pick up the children make an excuse , ill, out with family, on stay over at mates, play this as long as you can, then let him take you to court , under law a judge can put a mother in prison for not allowing other parent to see the children ,but wont because if he does then the children will go in care , not to the other parent, do the children have his surname if not then he dosnt have any rights

Answer 6

my god that nearly echo's my experience with my ex....im afraid after 8 years i finally took control back and moved away. I now have a blissful, peaceful life.

It didnt come without a price though, as he escalated his campaign at first, then finally stopped seeing his own children which was upsetting but showed his true colours through and through.

Though i wish things were different and i wish he had been the dad he could have been, he was far to caught up in trying to get at me to notice the damage he was doing to our children. Of course the kids were terribly hurt that he has now rejected them, but 10 months on and they are doing better than ever, their behaviouris great, their new found confidence is amazing and they are finally having a care free childhood.

Answer 7

A lawyer and have the children talk to a child pyschologist to prove all this. Then go for court orders and have the Ba**ard restrained to obligated visits if he want's to see his children- but NOT on his terms and times.
7 years sounds a long time but it will blow over. He needs a new partner to rid of the obvious obsession he has with his ex.

Answer 8

Dear,

Tell you friend don't fight with him, and don't spend her energy and time on him becasue "WHAT EVER YOU RESIST WILL PRESIST".

So let him do what ever he wants to do. Instead she spends more time with her children and her new wonderfull life. Tell her to enjoy what she has and just leave him alone.

She should never say's even a single bad worl about her ex to their children and should always act with respect with him, cause if the children see's their mom not respecting their dad and always in fight and in court to get something from him they will feel pitty for the dad and will think dady is right.

But when she respect him and always talk with respect about him and mandate the children to respect him, they will see mom is not bad and then the true fact that Dady doesn't do any thing for us will show up.

She didn't loose anything till now but if she continues fighting she will loose her children and even her wonderfull life and husband she has now. Cause she doesn't care about them and put all her time to fight with a man who is already out of her life.

Just tell her, don't be upset and you do your own job and even his job this will be the children to decide. They will undrestand after a while who's spending more time for them. Let the children be with him when ever he feels comfortable, the children will undrestand who is always for them when they are in need most.

Pluse she will live in more peace. If that man I mean her ex was worth any thing she wouldn't divoce him. She should trough her out of her mind. Just look at him as a fun Dad for her children who will visit them when ever he wants. So What? Let it be like this. This is better even, means more time for her.

When kids grow up they will notify they have to care about whom. The caring loving MOM or the funny Dad.

Tell her Please. I'm concern

contact me, if you need more help

Answer 9

This is awful, I went through much the same thing; my ex would not allow me to get on with life, played games with my kids' heads, refused to pay maintenance if they spent a weekend with him, only wanted the treating part of being a parent. My kids loved their dad, but honestly, the stress of dealing with it nearly broke me. I used to console myself by saying..."they won't always be young."
The crunch came when my eldest boy had to go for counselling; he had been stealing money, had gotten in with a bad lot, had committed a few public disorder offences.ie being drunk in public. Part of it meant that both parents had to attend for family counselling. During one of these sessions, my ex was boasting about what a good father he was to his kids, and how none of this was his fault, that he put food in his kids mouths(he didn't. I worked fulltime to keep the roof over our heads)and that whatever his kids wanted, they could have.
At which point my son, then14, piped up and said,
"actually, no dad, you don't give mam any money, she has to do it all herself. I haven't even got proper shoes to wear to school."
It was like a bomb was thrown into the room. My heart just filled up with pride in my son, and his father got red in the face and blustered. He got new shoes as soon as we left the counsellor, so did the others!
My point is, your friends kids will know who loves them.Kids are very wise, much more so than we give them credit for. Tell your friend to keep heart, her ex is a loser and a bully, and in the end her kids will be old enough one day to decide for themselves. Just to keep on being a loving mum, and to keep her head held high.

Answer 10

report everything he is saying to the children and get social services involved he cant mess with the kids heads like that then it will go back to court and he will have supervised visits with social services then he will prob get fed up when he isnt in control anymore....My friend has just gone through the same thing and its going through the courts now....