How long should I wait for spouse to mourn over loss of his son?

Question

I married my husband 4 years after the loss of his oldest son.

It is now 1 1/2 years into the marriage, and 3 1/2 years into the relationship in total, and out of the 3 1/2 years he spent his time like this:

Year 1 when I met him he started writing a book about his son, all memories, collected from himself and everyone he knew.
He then put them on a website for people to read.
Year 2 the website wasn't good enough so he made a blog to reach people and then THAT became his new nightly obsession.
Year 3 we got married, I figured that he would stop this as soon as he was "finished" writing his book. Instead he has posted the entire book online almost, and continues now with writing articles in mourning magazines, and it just doesn't end.

It's 7 years now and the rest of his family holds his son in their hearts and they moved on. How long should I keep waiting for him to get on with it? I don't want to seem cold, but I have needs too. Ignoring me has ruined our marriage.

It isn't a marriage if your spouse spends all hours of the night writing, and you go to work all week, and spend a total of 5 minutes in their presence, you don't sleep together, you don't do anything together. For better-or-worse did not include this.

I just wanted to add that I told him about this 9 months ago, he knew very early on, and anyway.. I'll just watch what people say, it's just a complete mess right now. Thanks.

Obviously someone can't read.

I mat him 4 years after the death of his son, and have been with him for 3 1/2 more year .. so in total it's been about 7 1/2. I do believe I did state this.

Answer 1

Well, Tireswing, from the timeline you've given, it sounds like you met him two years after his son passed away.

Apparently he was functional enough to meet you, and date you for two years. Apparently he was "obsessing" throughout the entire time.

He took time out from his grieving long enough to get married, And now he's found another avenue for his grief.

I think, dear, that the man has no clue on how to let this go. The entire situation is self-perpetuating now. He finishes with one monument....and he can't say, that's good enough...so he finds another avenue. And round he goes. Isolated, miserable, mourning, and letting His life go by....

Is this truly what the boy would have wanted for his father? Seven years of grief....I do not think so. I think that boy wants his father to enthusiastically reach out for the life he still has, and live it joyously in the memory of and in honor of his son.

The man needs desperately to believe that his child is in a good and safe place, as he is, in the arms of God. His son continues to grow and learn, but on a different plane. Eventually, the two will be reunited again. Will the father say to the son....You passed on ....and I spent the gift I was given blinded with grief over losing you....

Your man doesn't know how to accept the joy in his life for fear it will diminish his son's memory.

There is another way. He needs to find the place where he connects with his Spirit, where he acknowleges that his soul is eternal, and that his son is there, waiting for him. It is a deep and beautiful place, peaceful, content, and without pain.

Help him to connect with that level. He needs to meet his son on the spiritual plane, and keep his feet in the temporal, or the here and now, and have that be alright.

You may need to seek out someone who can teach your husband to sit quietly, without the computer, meditate, and connect on the spiritual level. Preferably someone who has helped other Parents deal with the grief.

Once your husband can independently, without the computer, connect with his child on his child's level, then he can begin to step into the light of day.

He can get up in the morning, and sit quietly, and meditate, until he finds the place where his son's spirt abides, and share with the boy and have him respond.

And then he can have his coffee, and breakfast and see you clearly, and function guilt-free throughout his day, accepting the decision God has made: that he be there, and that the child be with Him.

He may want to sit quietly at night and let the boy reach out to him again. Just to say good night, I love you, and I will see you again.

I don't think there is any closure to losing a child. I do think that his son loves him and is very sad to see his father in such pain.

Help him leave the computer....help him make the connection with the spiritual, and once he does, then he can come back to the temporal. We only spend so many days here. And then we move on to eternity. Being here is a gift. It is not required that he throw that away.

I wish you luck, dear Tireswing,
I am so sorry for the loss of this beloved child.
I hope your husband is not lost also.
God bless you and yours, dear, God bless...

Answer 2

There is no time limit on how long someone mourns. The pain must be as intense today as it was from day 1 for your husband. I feel for him and for you because you're in a difficult position. Have you talked to your husband as honestly as you've talked to us? If so, try to find out why he is still so devoted to his task. He may feel that if he brings an end to the story he will lose closeness to, devotion to or even the memory of his son. If you cannot remember, and be satisfied with, whatever it was that drew you to him (and he was mourning then, too), then it's time to decide if the rest of your life should be spent feeling as you do now. Is your life better with or without him? Only you can decide that. Take care.

Answer 3

I understand what you are saying. But a lot of the people on here are right about the two of you getting into counseling to put things in the right place. You both have the right to go on living and your husband has not let go. He keeps his son alive everyday in his writting and he is stuck and maybe obsessed with his sons loss. He will never get over it and will miss his son for the rest of his life. His son should never be forgotten by his father ...but his son would want him to continue on and live his life and be happy. It sounds like he is not in the world of the living and cannot seem to find a balance like the rest of the family. It would be my concern to if everyday of our marriage was consumed with nothing else but the thoughts of his deceased son. You are not being cold here....but a person that is alive with needs of your own and he is ignoring that. It is at the point that it is ruining your marriage and someone needs to help him see that. You cannot help him if he chooses to go on this way and it affects your whole life with him. I am not being insensitive to your husbands pain.. losing a child is the worse thing a parent would ever have to live through because a part of you dies with them and a piece of the puzzle in your life is always missing. My mother sister and neice all lost a son and looking into their eyes afterwards was like seeing them walk through a living death. But, after some years they have all told me that you have to go on living because something much greater outside of this world gives you the strength to go on.For them grief holds no time it is always just a thought away and as long as they have the mind to think... it will always be there. But they say...you cannot obsess with it or it will drive you crazy! The only thing you can do is get some therapy for all of this and work with him on getting him focused on the two of you. There will be times that he can share his memories of his child with you and you will be there for him....but there has to be times when it can be in the here and now and life can be about the two of you.

Answer 4

I'm sorry to say this, but you knew what he was like before you married him. I'm sure you didn't think it (the obsession) would last this long, but it did.
There are three people in this "marriage." At this point, you really need to take a look at the situation & decide for yourself if you can live with the son's ghost.
What originally drew you to him? Maybe through couples counseling you can find that quality again, and build on it.
He needs some serious grief counseling, and if he refuses to get it, leave. He's made his choice.

Answer 5

I would say it is up to each person how long they want to wait to move on after the death of a spouse. My dad has been dead for 5 years now and my mom hasn't even thought about dating yet. In all honesty he is probably looking for someone to spend some time with as friends. Loosing a spouse would have to be one the hardest things to go through. You could ask him if he has thought about dating anyone and see what he says. Good luck!

Answer 6

hi look as with any lose there is no time line and by all things considered youre husband still is not coping with the loss of his son ,and is burrying his head in all this writing and this is where he might have found comfort ,now ,what you need to do is do the same but what im talking is about writing a letter to him and explain how youre feeling and that you realise that he is still missing his son and there is a place in his heart that will always be for his son ,but there is someone here by that im meaning you ,that needs her husband back in her life as you must be missing him ,once you start writing you will be able to let him knoew and put the letter where he goes and writes every night ,and leave it up to him to come to you ,and hopefully from that you both will be able to start talking again and move forward in youre lifes together ......good luck and take care of each other xx

Answer 7

You need to go read some books on grieving parents. He will greive forever. It is the most horrible thing that can happen to a parent. There are support groups out there, find one and see if someone will talk to you.
My Mom never got over the death of my youngest brother. It was 22 years between his death and hers.
It was far easier for me to move on but as a parent I can only imagine the pain of losing a child.
I think you both need to bo to therapy. Your marriage will not survive it if you both dont get help.

Answer 8

You've been an incredibly patient woman, but you have done all that you can do. Everyone heals from death at their own rates, but it doesn't seem that any of what your husband is doing is helping him to heal at all. It's time for you to discreetly (or not so discreetly) suggest to him that he start seeing a therapist about his problems. Get his family members to back you up on this, as he'll probably meet this suggestion with resistance.

In the end, if he refuses to get help or to move on & it is ruining your marraige, you have to do what you have to do. Even if it means cutting your marital ties & going it alone as a single woman. You've got to look out for your own happiness, sweetie. Goodness knows your husband isn't.

Answer 9

To me, it seems that your husband has gone way passed grieving and into obsession. He seems to be trying to re-create his son's life by posting him constantly on the net and in mourning mags, as if he's frightened if he just lets go, he - and the world - are going to forget his son.
He needs some counseling to get passed this, or he may be stuck in grieving forever. Whether you can hang in there long enough, depends on whether he agrees to get help. If he doesn't see it as a problem, he may not. Perhaps you will need to enlist the help of the other family members to get him to see the truth - that he needs help.

Answer 10

Listen lady, I couldn't read your whole message, as you yourself are moaning about someone who can't put his beloved dead son out of his mind.
Ok, you want him to stay with the living, and enjoy the rest of his life, but the way you are expressing that comes across as if, now his son is dead, he should move on and forget about him??!!!
Are you totally without feelings, emotions and selfish??
How could someone EVER get over or forget their own flesh and blood. No parent expects their child to die before them.
I haven't experienced that, and I know however, that I'd feel guilty, that I'd think that I didn't do enough while my baby was alive to show him/ her how much I loved him/her.
So, when you need him to spend time with you and to enjoy the present, don't be too harsh on him for not forgetting about his son.
YOU might need to rethink the relationship if you think it's too hard for you, but losing a child is not something anybody wants to experience and people deal with it the best they can.
Good luck.