How can I regain self- respect and be strong?

Question

I partied too much in my past 3 years to forget about the pain of divorce. I put myself in some short relationships ( which burned me most of the times), and spent way too much money. I want to move on and be proud of myself. In the past few years, although my bosses praised me on my good work, I hate myself being late at work and taking many days off. Have not saved money properly although I know it is not good to keep going on like this. Even in love affairs, I seem to fall for someone so easily, and infatuated from people from internet. I still have social life with people, but it seems as if i am missing western country where i spent 10yrs, and having difficulty to settle back in japan. What is the best thing to do? Please advise me to regain self-respect and independence.

Answer 1

1. No dating or dating behaviors for one year. Form no new relationships or become interested in anyone for awhile. Be serious about that. Keep to yourself and focus on yourself. Wear sensible and practical clothes and hair styles rather than concern yourself at all for awhile about sexual attractiveness or being fashionable. No more parties for a long while. No eating out or movies out. If possible, have fewer friends. Visit family rather than friends.
2. Get physically healthy. No alcohol or drugs. Get a thorough medical check-up. Then, start walking and exercising a little more every week. Start slow with easy activities. Never go backwards in this building-up. The healthier that you are physically, the clearer and wiser your mind will become.
4. Eat right. No junk food. Eat wholesome foods. Don't skip meals. Drink plenty of water every day on a schedule.
5. Meditate in a group. Seek solitude. Walk in peaceful gardens and really notice your natural surroundings for healing. You will find balance in natural patterns and rhythms.
6. Clean your home or room, top to bottom. Discard everything that you have not used in over one year. Discard most of your clothes that you really do not need. Simplify your home life by removing clutter and debris and unsightly tattered or torn or stained items. Organize for visual harmony that heals and balances.
7. Develop a schedule of activities of daily life and do not break the schedules. Eat at the same times every day. Go to bed and rise at the same time every day. Get eight hours sleep, no more no less. Shower every day before going to bed for relaxation and better sleep. Prepare your clothes completely and lay them out for the next day before your evening meal every night.
8. No televison for awhile. Reduce commercial / advertising intrusion into your home. Keep music volume low. No party music or harsh music that divides you into too many pieces. Choose music that unites you, makes you feel hopeful and wholesome and refreshed.
9. Start a journal. Write in it for one hour every evening. Never write anything in the journal that is depressing or complaining or worrisome. Never talk about the past or the future in it. Only write about the day that you are in when you are writing, and only about what good things have happened and what good, positive meanings and insights you have. Force this positive appraoch. Later, in a few months, begin to consider the future in your journal, and only in very gentle, positive ways.
10. After every journal entry, place the equilvalent of a U.S. dollar in the journal in the back. This money is not your nest egg or savings. You must practice paying this dollar for another reason. Never touch this journal money, no matter how many years you continue to write in your journal. That money will come to mean something else other than money to you, something good and right.
11. Leave for work earlier every day so that you are not late and so that you may be more graceful and unrushed. Never rush. Do what you maturely must do to remain unrushed and steady. There is great strength that grows from that unrushed grace. Build that within yourself at any cost.
12. You must leave the Internet while off duty. No Internet for two months. It is an addiction. In two months, add one-half hour of Internet socialization and activities to your well-ordered daily schedule. Remain true to just one-half hour. You have other things that you must do. No video games or other electronics for a year.
13. Discuss with a banker ways to save money so that you may grow more independent. Save as much money as you can. Explore ways to make a second income. For example, take violin lessons. After each lesson, YOU charge to teach others that same lesson and make money that way. Be creative and ambitious about getting ahead financially in order to acheive your independence.
14. Grow several plants in a sunny place in your home or room. Growing and tending plants teaches patience and steadiness and nurturing. They will help to soothe and focus your mind in ways that will help you to become stronger and wiser.
15. Instead of too many friends and only recreational activities, volunteer on your time off in ways that will teach you additional skills. Talk with a job counselor in person about how to build a great resume for maybe a better job someday.
16. Education: Take courses, self-study, learn another language. Read! Read! Read! Expand your mind.
17. Join Toastmasters Club in your area. Contact them and go to a meeting to learn what it is about. This fun club will help develop your speech and communication skills which will help get raises at work.
18. In one year, re-evaluate yourself and consider new goals for one more year. At that time, discuss with a university counselor how to "set goals" that are short-term, medium-term and long-term. Continue to learn new skills and pack your confidence with true competence.

Good fortune to you.

Answer 2

I don't think you can just decide to have self respect and Independence, it comes over time. You need to give yourself a break and stop punishing yourself, so what if you haven't saved enough money or you are late for work, these are not bad things your just feeling a little down and vulnerable.
Stop the Internet dating until you feel secure enough to go back to it, you need to spend time with yourself working out a plan that will make you happy then trying to take steps to put the plan into action. (Even if that means planning to move to a western country if that is what will make you happy)
The very fact that you recognize that your life is not as it should be is a good thing, you want to be strong and you want to love yourself and its only you stopping you from doing this. My main advice would be to share your fears with friends you trust and stop the Internet dates (I know from personal experience they are not good for your self-esteem)
Use the love and infatuation you feel for these people and give it to yourself, you are special and precious and you deserve to be loved, remember that and good luck x

Answer 3

True Self-ishness always leads to joy, because it
is motivated always by the desire to feel as good
as possible. It is only when we are Self-ish
enough to be, do and act in accordance with our
desires (not someone else’s) that it is possible
to stay balanced. Energetically speaking, a desire
is a rush of life force energy, a connection to
the divine inner self, which can never result in
actions that are harmful. It is only when true
desires are blocked that they become twisted and
ugly. This statement goes against the common
wisdom that human nature is greedy, violent and
primitive. Human nature is precisely the opposite:
we are born knowing ourselves as powerful,
eternal, spiritual beings. Petty, competitive,
churlish and violent behavior must be overcome
with suitable practice. Observe your family,
friends and coworkers. Almost all of them are good
people, trying to do the best they can. It would
simply not be possible to build a sophisticated
society if human nature was so base. All
successful societies are based upon cooperation,
not competition. Competition works not because it
is adversarial, but because it inspires teamwork.
Ask two angry guys to get something constructive
done, it is not going to happen. All success is
based upon cooperation. That is because we live in
an attraction based universe.

These natural impulses are supposed to be
dangerous because they stem from a primitive
survival instinct. But human being has a bette
mind than animals. Just look around at the mess
the world is in! But that is a delusional
assertion, a denial of the basic nature of
consciousness itself. The natural impulses of
human nature stem from a connection to life force,
and it is resistance to this divine impulse which
causes the selfish behavior people object to.

If you observe people you will quickly see that
those persons who are most alive are full of
desire, and those who look lifeless have little or
no desire. Desire = life force. Shut off desire =
selfish behavior. It's ironic that selfish
behavior actually results from self-denial.

Human nature is not a primitive, biological
instinct based on survival of the fittest, it’s a
pure connection to source energy. It is divine.
It's only when that connection is closed off that
selfish behavior is demonstrated. Every one of
your desires is, in its non-resisted state, joyful
and balanced, because that is an inherent property
of consciousness itself. True selfishness is
allowance of desire, without resistance, and
results in the impulse to give freely to others.
But it is first necessary to allow that impulse
within yourself.

http://kjmaclean.com/Selfishness.html