It was only a day since this happened; it came like a bullet right in my face. It was seven years ago that my parents divorced. It was a long fierce harsh battle lasting a year. I could remember it clearly as though reading from a book reciting it over and over. It’s as though a long painful staircase, seeing joyful and woeful memories at the same time.
2007-10-13 19:24:02 · 4 answers · asked by brian2 2 in Education & Reference ➔ Trivia
I'm sorry, but having written many a poor essay myself, I think I know one when I see one. The first sentence lacks the power it should have the moment it meets the semi-colon. I'd reverse that sentence and leave out the first part, because the next sentence says it's been seven years that the parents divorced. The third sentence has way too many adjectives lined up, and there isn't even any puncuation, so they become even more 'way too many'. Put your commas in there, they may make a difference.
For each sentence of this essay, read it out loud. Read it out loud more than once, and see where you pause, where you don't... what feels like it's dribbling on to a poor close. After you work each sentence over again, read the whole thing out loud, and work a little more. I have found that reading that way, as if to someone who knew nothing about me or the story, is very helpful. I hope it is for you, too. Luck!
2007-10-13 19:49:22 · answer #1 · answered by LK 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nope - sorry, your essay doesn't get my vote :(
What you've written so far looks a lot like you've just thought up some sentences and written them down - totally at random.
I don't have a clue what age you are, but I'd strongly suggest you pick a central theme - love, hate, passage of time, etc... Give your essay some humanity - something that will say something about what it means to be alive.
Once you've decided on your theme - consider who or what you will use to convey your story - is it a personal story, will one or more characters tell the story? Is it a point of view type thing?
Assuming you stay with it, think of a good hook at the start of your essay to grab the attention of the reader. "It was only a day..." seems a little flat, while "BLAM!!! It blasted like a bullet in the face..." seems a little more exciting and interesting - though you best be aware that you would then need to continue with the same sort of excitement or you might have a dead fish on your hands. You're trying to manipulate your reader to grab their attention and get them to read past sentence number one.
A great hook isn't enough - the only way you're going to get better at writing is through practice. Practice! PRACTICE!!!.
Look at the most boring thing on TV - for me it's the weather reports. How would you get these to seem more exciting - you would tell people how this is going to affect them. Try rewriting the weather or news reports and you have yourself an essay. If you add some exciting interacting characters - you have a story. If you can then make that scenario more visual and animated - you have a great story.
Go for it, kiddo...make us up some history
(go and find a book on story writing to find out more)
2007-10-14 00:15:48 · answer #2 · answered by cornflake#1 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I see where you are going, and there are always vivid OLD memories that seem like yesterday...BUT...I am very confused -- or put off -- by your three time references: one day, seven years, a year...and remembering clearly doesn't require going over and over it...also, drop "painful" in staircase, you want it to be both joy and woe.
Hope that helps.
2007-10-13 19:43:40 · answer #3 · answered by and_y_knot 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's not very good but I know that I also make bad essays. And is your subjec about bad memories only? You don't have a stable verb use. You should also use deeper words.
2007-10-13 21:22:59 · answer #4 · answered by Elaiza 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋