How do I make my marriage work after this knowledge exposed my wrong doing?

Question

I had a 3 some when I 1st got married I did not think my marriage would last more then a week or 2 and a friend of mine and I got drunk with her husband and well I think you can guess the rest!

the 3 of us was wrong and told one another it would never happen again if we wanted to stay friends, However I found out 3 months ago my Mother in Law saw the 3 of us the next morning! 3 months ago she got really angry with me and informed my husband what she saw those 14 years ago.

The couple I had the 3 some with was one of our closest friend that point in time my husband in a fit of anger exposed what he found out to their 2 kids and beat the hell out of him!
as you can guess know longer friends of our and have moved scenes then to parts unknown! My husband had me served with divorce papers and moved me out of our home now he's got HARD PROOF of the 3 some!

He told me after I got served he was going to get some
p%$$y, has been humiliating me ever sense!

I've begged him to for us to get counseling, but all he says is "why he's divorcing me why bother"!

Well the woman he's been seeing is in simular situation, her husband repeatedly has had affairs in marriage she's older then my husband by over 13 years ( he's 33) and has a family of 3 kids!

She found out a 3 ago she was pregnant and has told my husband it his because her husband had a vasectomy!

She also informed my husband that she was getting back together with her husband but asked him to allow her to give the child up or take the child under the Ca. surrogate law!
* the birth mother would serenader the child even before it's born* she would be designated a the surrogate!

I told my husband I would GLADLY be a mother to the child scenes I can't have kids but he says he doesn't want me to be the mother of child!

I want my husband back ,I also want to be the mother of this child, any suggestions?
I'm willing to forgive everything we were happy we can again!

I also want to say we have no kids of our own and planned to adopt after finding out , so it's not like we would be going into it blind foled !

WE WERE very happy once and 9 he's 33, i'm 38, so were secure in our finances!

Answer 1

Its not the fact that you cheated on him that is the problem not after 14yrs. he should and will divorce you because you deceived him and made him out to look like a fool for 14yrs.
Let this be a lesson to all cheaters its not the sex that ripes your heart out but the long time deceit and lying.
No matter how much you think it would have hurt him if you had confessed when it happened it would not have hurt anywere near as much as it does if you find out years later.

I hope he forgives you but i pray that he does not take you back [karma is a *****]

Answer 2

If he left you that readily, you were not secure. The infidelity 14 years ago is no more than an excuse. He no longer wants to be with you.

Childbearing could be the issue. Some other problem may exist.

"I did not think my marriage would last more then a week or 2"

You cheated because you thought you had made a bad decision. Maybe you were right.

Ask yourself why you thought your marriage would not last (You? Him?) Now, you think you have had 14 years of good marriage. What changed?

Bottom line: Why do you want someone who doesn't want you? Will you not be able to find another, more compatible match? Is that your fear? Are you afraid you will go broke without him?

I think your question dodges the real questions. Do you love him? Does he love you? Are you happy together? If not, welcome the break and look for another. It sounds like he has already found his.

By the way, be tough in court. If your relationship has failed, so be it. He still owes you. Get all you can, kiddo!

Answer 3

So you had a three some and your husband has been having an affair with a married couple...And you want him back and the bastard child he created with the woman.Wow...Well two wrongs don't make a right nor a marriage..If communicating is not the answer than the only thing you can do is move on with your life and learn through your mistakes...Good luck.

Answer 4

Your marriage has been built on a lie the last 14 years.
As old as you are you should know better.
14 years ago you were 24 and have no excuses.
His mother knows and many other people do to, and if you knew your husband as well as you thought you did, then you should know that when a man is confronted with whorish activity by his wife, he can either pretend it didn't happen because nobody else knows, he can forgive her because he did it first or he can bounce your easy azz to the curb because his pride is more important than you.
I don't blame him, his pride would never humiliate him as you did.

Answer 5

You may have to give him time. I suggest that you seek counseling and continue offering him the chance to go with you every week when you go. Eventually he may get over it. He may not. He feels very betrayed and is probably thinking "if I would have known about that I would have divorced or annulled it then." You need to ask his forgiveness and tell him that you love him. Then you will need to wait to prove your point. Don't start dating if you really love him and want him back. You may have to wait a year or two and let him go out trolling for skanky women for a while. If he does decide to come back make him get tested for every STD (you should too just to show him you're o.k.) so that you can keep from getting anything he might catch.
Regardless of what he does, go to counseling. It will help.

Answer 6

oh wow.

That's a REAL problem you are in. You can't blame him for being upset to the point of divorce. I would divorce too, I'm sad to say. If you didn't think your marriage would even last a week why did you get married?

Him messing around with a woman who is married and with kids no less makes what he did just as bad as what you did. Seriously, I would just drop the entire marriage and move on, I don't think he is going to "come around" and be forgiving. He must be really hurt, but the woman he is messing with makes him no better.

Answer 7

Make sure you are lying down when he walks all over you. Spend some of that money on a counselor to find out why in the world you would want a black hearted insensitive man in your life. You have no self esteem and no self respect. Think this through, would you treat him like that? Then why in the world would you accept it from him? Get a lawyer and make sure you get one that will concentrate on his affair and child. The affair 14years ago isn't going to matter at all.

Answer 8

If he is unwilling to even try to forget what you did all that time ago then you have no choice. If he went to counseling and they pointed out it was years ago and you've been happy and now he has another woman pregant you've both done wrong so unless he is willin to try then it's over if he's willing to try then there is counsuling needed and alot of hard work and tears and hurts ahead as you put this in your past.

Answer 9

I really don't know why it would matter after 14 years of an otherwise good marriage...If I was the husband and got the news 14 years latter I'd probably would have said "oh" and leave it at that...

Answer 10

Good for him.

He should divorce you (and get rid of his false friends) and find a woman who is faithful, instead remaining married to an adulteress that decived him for 14 years.

Next time you decide to marry someone, remember this hard lesson: Keep your pants on and don't be so quick to break your vows.

I have zero tolerance for almost all forms of adultery, regardless of the spouse who commits it.

Only in cases of physical and mental torment, do I understand adultery.