handling a divorce--emotional abuse?

Question

I am so embarrased to even be writing about this. I want a divorce, I have been emotionally abused for the past two years since my husband has returned from Iraq... and I just can't take it anymore--he choked me tonight when he said "I went beserk" (and I did because of the name calling, put downs an degradation).

I am embarrased because we have been married for 8 years, and have two kids...and I can almost picture people saying "i told you so" because we were married so young.

I don't know what to do. I still have a year and a half of school left and my kids just moved . I really have no real job and want to continue school--I have saved enough to do so. I feel guilty for moving my son out of yet another school...but it has got to better than seeing his mom called worthless, and nothing everyday. I don't know how things got this way, or how to get out.

The emotional abuse has left me feeling paralyzed, like I couldn't take care of myself without him... Where do I begin?

husband does not seek help. frankly, he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. in his eyes, i am the crazy one. i don't know how 'dark' his experience in Iraq was, but he is willing to go back as many times as necessary. In my eyes, he sounds like a borderline psychopath... I feel particularly horribly, when people call him a hero because for me, at home, it makes him like god. Of course in comparison to a 'hero' cleaning up the house, and taking care of our children is nothing. This is why I am worthless... Seriously, I have tried everything. Talked to his parents, him etc. He has taken my tears as weakness and exploited them. I have tried doing the things he says he wants, but nothing is good enough! Sometimes I feel like a wild animal in a cage--scared and angry with no way out. I just want a way out without sacraficing anymore...

Answer 1

My heart really goes out to you because Ive been in your shoes. I stayed in a relationship like this longer than I should have and I remember feeling all of the things you are feeling. The bottom line is that those things are not nearly as important (what others think, money, etc.) as you making the first step to get out! Trust me, school can wait and you will figure out a way to make money to get by. You have to make it a priority to just get out. You are right about not wanting your kids to see you in this situation. You dont want your son to think its okay to treat women this way. I sympathize with you and hope you can find the strength to get out of this.

Answer 2

The longer you stay , the harder it will be for you to leave!!
I was in a similar relationship for 22 years. We had 4 children. I just kept thinking and hoping things would change.
Well, guess what?! They never did! I finally left and it has been hard as hell. But, I feel so free. I can come home from work at night, and not worry about doing or saying the wrong thing, fixing the wrong supper, etc. You know what I'm saying!
My kids were upset at first, but they are seeing how much happier we all are. So, it's up to you...stay or leave!
That paralyzation feeling only gets worse the longer you stay!
You CAN take care of yourself without him!!
Good Luck!!

Answer 3

Something has to change. But it doesn't have to be divorce. If your husband had not been to Iraq, I would tell you to run and don't look back. But as the wife of a soldier who has done two tours in Iraq, what you are describing is too familiar. When my husband came back the last time, he was like a different person. He had a short fuse, was demeaning to me verbally, told me I was the one who was crazy, and I really didn't think I could take it anymore. I am financially dependent on him, and we have 2 kids, but I still seriously considered running away to live with my dad.

Then he started getting treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder. He sees a psychologist and takes meds. I was skeptical, but he has made a dramatic improvement.

My question to you is has your husband received any treatment for what he has been through? It is not an excuse for the way he has treated you, but there is hope if the cause of his behavior can be acknowledged.

What they go through is hard on the entire family. It sounds like you have a lot of reasons to stay, if he can get the help he needs.

Answer 4

Seek help immediately - your abuse has left you vulnerable and has eroded your self-confidence. Try a women's shelter or a religious counselor - they often-times work with women who have financial constraints. Also, veteran's affairs may hav a resource for you to contact. Get busy finding someone whom you can talk with and who can help guide you through the process of separating from your husband.

Once you are in a better place, emotionally and perhaps even physically, you must make it clear to him that he will lose you and the kids unless he attends counseling to help him deal with his issues... make him do it as a price for re-admission to the family. If he cannot commit, find family you can move in with and rebuild your life with the helps from parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, church, etc.

You and your kids do not deserve to feel fear, the live in degradation nor abuse...

Good luck and please do not wait - situations like these tend to escalate and often end with someone badly hurt or dead!

Start talking with someone - that is your first step, then make plans from there... do not believe a word he says - he' sick and in dire need of help, but first, you must put the kids and yourself in a safe place.

Answer 5

First step is seperation. You must remove yourself from the situation by either having him move out or you move out. Since you are a military spouse you will most certainly need to be the one moving out. You can do this for free by contacting a women's shelter. They can provide housing for free temporarily but they may require police involvement. Another option is family. Lastly, you could seek an apartment. Regardless, make the decision, make it fast, and move swiftly!

Second step is drawn upon your support system. Chances are that this is very weak for you since you are a military spouse. However, identify those you can rely upon and TALK to them. Make it clear of your intentions, don't consider they're recommendations (since they can't possibly know the entire story), and encourage them to support you.

Third step is to increase your self-dependance. If you don't work you should immediatly get a job. If you don't have any credit in your name than get a credit card, fast. Look to make new friends either through your job, school, or simply by getting out into social activities like churches, clubs, or even local hang-outs. However, new friends will enlighten your spirts.

Fourth is to fill for seperation. This can be done for little to no fees at your local circuit court. You will need this since most states require a period of seperation for divorce.

Firth is to continue living! Complete all the tasks that I have laid out. It doesn't need to be in order but you should act fast. The quicker you move the more likely you are to succeed.

Sixth and final task is to stick with it. IF YOU ARE NOT CERTAIN or not committed to your dicision then don't even start. It is worse to start and never finish than to start, stop, and restart! Once you begin hang in there till the end.

Answer 6

Find a Church and ask for a support group for battered women.

The sad fact is nobody is going to make this better but you. You are the only person who is responsible for your happiness and well being.

It is goo to see that you have taken this first step. Now keep walking. There are other like you who suffer the same way you do. You are not alone.

The real miracle will come when you get yourself out of this situation with the help of others, and you return the favor by helping someone who suffered like you once did.

You are not alone. I will be there with you in my prayers.

Good luck

Answer 7

Is he seeking help for his anger issues?

It does not sound so much like he hates you and sees you as worthless, he has been in a dark place doing things he is ashamed of and he is transferring that self-loathing to you.

Have him seek help ASAP, but if he won't then you have to leave. It will only get worse from here.

Get yourself some help too.

It is sad that our government is sending our vets home broken and ignoring them most of the time.

******************************************************

Considering the updated comments, it is time for you to go...

I do consider him a hero, his country called and he answered, I served a long time ago and I am currently in the middle east in support of the war, so I do understand the whole "Duty, Honor, Country" thing.

However the situation will only get worse, so get out. I have info on my website on protecting yourself during a divorce.

Look it over and ask any questions you may have.

http://www.UtahParentsUnderSiege.com/

Good Luck

Answer 8

I have been through physical abuse. This is dangerous. Your husband needs to get help. You may need to seperate from him for awhile. If he is as votile as he seems you cannot talk to him about it alone. First you need to talk to a professional and maybe one trusted relative. Remember though, if eventually you do decide to stay with him(hopefully after seeking help) if you tell your relatives be prepared for them to have a strong dislike for your husband even if he does seek help, maybe even after he is getting better. They will be skeptical. So decide who is the best person to tell - who will support you but won't judge you and him if you two do stay together. Please be careful and hope for the best. I pray your husband will seek help and gets well so you two can stay together. I know you understand it is probably violence caused by the war but violence to you is not justifiable.

Add - It sounds like you need to leave. I have been through many forms of abuse (starting with my father all the way to my past relationships) - it does destroy you. It is very hard to rebuild the pieces. So take everyones advice and get out. Be safe.

Answer 9

Girl, you need to get out of that marriage, and soon. I was married for 20 years to an emotionally and verbally abusive ex-husband. I took it for 18 years before I realized just how horribly he treated me. During the 19th year of marriage, I decided I wanted out, but it took an entire year to finalize my divorce (long, long story here). Point is, my ex later threatened to kill me, even though he never lifted a hand to hurt me physically. He did physically abuse our children however, but because it wasn't all the time, I didn't consider it as abuse at first.

The thing about being with an abusive person, whether that abuse is emotional, verbal or physical, is that the abused person feels shamed, embarrassed and worthless. You do NOT deserve to feel any of these things. You did nothing wrong. When a person is abused, it's difficult to make others understand how the abuse can erode one's self-worth and cloud one's judgment to get out of a bad relationship. My ex never harmed me physically, yet as I said, he later threatened to kill me. Your husband has already choked you. Who knows WHAT kind of stuff is in his head due to the psychological trauma he suffered as a result of his very noble service to his country in Iraq? His heart could be so hardened as a result of all he witnessed and had to do but can't necessarily get out of his head. Still, that makes him all the more dangerous because he likely suffered psychological trauma while there and he has a volatile temper. What's even more dangerous is that he is not repentant of his behavior and he justifies it by saying it is your fault. That is a classic abuse sign. My ex did the same thing and he now does it not only to his current wife (who he is in the middle of a divorce with), but to other people he has problems with. This will only get worse. You can make it on your own. Your children deserve to grow up in a healthy home where love is shown and demonstrated in a normal way. If they remain in that home under your current circumstances, they will grow up thinking they don't need to respect you because Daddy doesn't, and they will grow up thinking it's okay to belittle and treat people badly and then blame others for it.

My children had severe emotional problems and are now emotionally healthy after being away from my ex for over 2 years. Your kids will adjust. I think you should contact your local domestic violence hotline and seek guidance for how to get out. You might love your husband, but you will never be happy, nor will your kids, if you don't love yourself and your children enough to do what is best for you. Being in an abusive relationship that is only getting worse, is just asking for a miserable life for all concerned and it could escalate to the point where your husband goes too far and you wind up dead. Also, if he is doing this to you, he could do it to your kids. Please consider getting out of this marriage. I wish you all the best.

Answer 10

This isn't emotional abuse, its physical and its common in alot of Iraq vets. Its not ok and its not your fault that he choked you. I don't care what you were doing. Next time, call the cops. You need to immediately find out what your mental health benefits are and you need to seek shelter. Your son is going to be less damaged by having to change schools than he will be by having his mother murdered by his father. Get a lawyer and get out.