Doubts about fiancee????

Question

I've been reading some of your questions in the marriage and divorce section and I keep asking myself why do people get married if their going to lie, cheat and fall out of love with their mate. I've had two failed marriages and now I'm engaged for a third time. I want to settle down with the right person but I've always picked men that weren't right for me. How do I tell if this one is the right one or if he's the one I should marry? Everything always start off good in the beginning but once you get married things change. How can you keep a marriage the same or fresh so things won't change? Any sucess storieds out there?

Answer 1

Everyday is a holiday, every meal a feast. That means, keep the party rolling and don't let anything get in the way of doing things together as a couple.

Marriage is like a car. You need to keep it gassed, maintained and warmed up. The tires have to be inflated and the oil needs to be changed regularly to keep everything lubed.

If you neglect it, it will break down on down the road.

It reminds me of this gal who pulls up in a big-ole Cadillac convertible. She complains to her girlfriend that she needs a new husband because the engines got to be revved, her husband's outta gas, and she needs to keep the tank filled.

Answer 2

You never really know, from what I've been told. However, if you are having doubts or if your fiancee is putting out the same red flags that the duds in your past have shown, maybe you should put off your marraige for a while (maybe even permanently).

As far as keeping the marraige fresh, the best thing that you could possibly do is to make sure to set time aside for the two of you. Ideally it would be an hour a day or so, but if you can't get that, then try to have one weekend a year where you cut all communication with the outside world & spend the weekend talking & getting back in touch.

No matter how hard you try, your marraige will change & hit some rough patches-- or even worse spots of boredom. I think that I've heard more horror stories & marital strife come around from one or both of the spouses being bored. Just understand that there are always going to be problems in every marraige, but as long as the both of you are willing to work through them it'll work out.

Answer 3

Perhaps you should get some councilling, so you can find out where you're going wrong. It could be the best investment you ever made.Alternatively, you could ask your friends for some input. Do they think that you choose the wrong types ? For instance do you go for 'bad boys' who have no prospects from the start, or perhaps men whose values and beliefs are vastly different, from your own.? Maybe you get involved too quickly, or perhaps when things get rough, you get going, instead of sticking it out. You need to make sure that you have plenty in common, and that if there are kids, and ex's you can live with the arrangements, because if you don't like them now, you're going to like them even less in the future. Make a list of the things you want, and things you don't want, and then have a telly up. For example, if you want a man who will spend all of his time with you, don't marry a man with six kids, and who plays sport every weekend. If honesty and fidelity are real important, don't marry a flirt. Being married is like a garden of roses, thorns, weeds, prickles and all. Married 31 years, since sixteen and no, I'm not from some weird religion or culture, but wouldn't mind a medal.

Answer 4

You are right, things are always so magical in the beginning and that is going to evolve into something different, something more comfortable but still very fulfilling if it's right. I had two failed marriages also, and decided I was never going to get married again, for the same reasons you describe. But then my current husband came along and changed the way I think about relationships, the main thing being trust. If you feel deep love and trust for your fiance, you will see that this is something different and new and definitely worth a shot.

Answer 5

Been there done that. The secret is a long engagement. After about 2 years the true person will start shining through and it's better and cheaper to break up than to have to get a divorce. If they do something that pisses you off you need to ask yourself if that is something you will be willing to spend the rest of your life with. Make sure this guy has an education and a steady job, no drinking or drugs. Look long and hard at his morals, values and goals. You cant decide all of this in a month either...like I said: L O N G engagement!

Answer 6

you have to remember that you never hear of those marriages where no one cheats or falls out of love on here because they are too busy being happy. I think the biggest thing is to talk before hand and if possible even get premarital counseling - it seems strange to me that a couple will have a pre-nuptual agreement in case they divorce but not any type of counseling to learn if they should be married in the first place.
Of course, you have to take the word of the other person that they are who you see and not putting on a show for you. One way to deal with that which I have recommended a time or two is to put handwriting analysis in your search engine and learn what signs to look for which indicate lying or cheating. In your case, you may have seen signs that would indicate those men were not good for you had you known what to look for in their handwriting.
About the only other thing would be to talk to each other and be honest and not pick the person but let enough time pass after a failed relationship that you know this is absolutely the one you want to be with because that is who he or she is and for no other reason.

Answer 7

I guess I would say that marriage is hard, I have been married for six years now, but sometimes you still wonder hey what else is out there right? I think it is a healthy human emotion to think otherwise why would our brains have been made the way they were.
The clincher is do you act on it?
I have a guy I know who always professes to love the girl that he is with, but yet he always cheats on her and then feels bad about it later, it's like he can't help himself.
He treats the girls like gold, he is awesome and then he does that one thing. With him I just think he always thinks that the grass is greener on the other side but it never is, it's always the same.
So now to answer, well it depends on what you want and how willing are you to work for it, I want comfort, someone who will let me be me and doesn't care that I spend hours reading. I also want someone who is spontaneous but guess what my husband isn't so I just initiate that part. Yes there are some things that I wish we did together but when I think of the whole then it's worth it for what I do have.
So just think hard about what you want and what you would be willing to give up or compromise on, and if the answer to compromise is nothing? Then you need to think again.

Answer 8

Why not try a different approach.... go to marriage counseling before you get married? It is not such a far out there suggestion as many people do this today. They want to be sure that there are no major problems and want to start a marriage off with a solid foundation. This doesn't mean that problems won't come up, but it will give you the tools to deal with things BEFORE they get out of hand.
Suggest this to your fiance... tell him of your concerns... let him know that making the marriage work with him is an extremely important priority with you and that you want him to be just as eager to make things work.
If he won't agree to go to counseling with you, consider it a hint that he will not be a team player with you. Could be a red flag for future problems.

Answer 9

I was married for 22 years and then cheated on. Now I have been with a man for 10 years. He asks me all the time to marry him and I say not now lets just keep going. We live together and have a great happy life together. I feel like you do, that when you marry things change so I am trying so hard not to marry. I think that once you sign the paper they think they are stuck.

Answer 10

Are you the right person? They say the most obvious common factor in all of your failed relationships is you. Have you been to counseling to uncover any issues that might keep you from being a good mate?
There may be reasons why you keep choosing the wrong man. There may be salvageable relationships that you gave up on too early.
Marriages are living things. Living things change over time. People change over time. You need to lean to adjust and not quit ... adapt and overcome.