I'm starting to resent my 5 year old stepdaughter. How do I stop this?

Question

I married my husband 7 months ago. We dated for a year before we married. He has a five year old daughter from a previous relationship. When we first started dating his daughter and I clicked right away. When we would bring her back to her mom's house on Sunday, she would run back in the car with me. She had to literally be pulled away from me to go back with her mom. However, a few months ago she looked me straight in the face and said "You're not my family." I've had mixed emotions since then. She is very distant now. She's gone from having to be pulled out of my arms to go back with her mom to not even telling me bye when we bring her back. Why? I also found that lately she has a tendency to want to constantly get between me and her father (if we're sitting on the couch together for example). I've started to just walk out of the room and let them be alone. What am I doing wrong? My husband things her mom is putting things in her head. I'm prepared for all answers/possibilities.

Answer 1

That would be hurtful, but do not get resentful!!! That girl loves you! Remember what she was like before...she didn't want to leave you-YOU- can you imagine how her mom felt seeing that!!! That girl has been put in a place that she shouldn't of been, in between her mothers jealousy/(what ever her problem is) and your relationship with her! That is not fair!!
You keep in mind that love covers all, and that she will eventually see through her moms crap, but if you pull away instead of hold her while she is with you, put your arm around her when she climb up on the couch, She WILL think her mom was RIGHT, Do Not give in to that!!
At five little girls see the emotional side and if her mom is playing on that she will have a total change of heart for HER mother when she finally sees through it!
Don't give up on her....she don't understand, I know it is hurtful, but love her and she will love you back, I promise.

Answer 2

You really need to stop resenting your stepdaughter. She is only 5 and you are an adult. She may feel left out in her relationship with her dad. Because she is a child, she cannot express her feelings very well, so she will act out. Her mom may have been jealous of the relationship you developed with her daughter, so she is telling her things like she "you're not my family" That sounds like something an adult would say. Remember, children are easily led by adults and her reaction to you now maybe be because her mother is unhappy with your new marriage and she is in the middle. I think the best thing is to not ever say anything bad about her mother. Ask her if she is unhappy when she comes to visit. She may be 5, but she should be able to get some of her feelings out. Just continue to include her in activities when she is with you, and hang in there, just try to not be resentful, that can turn the whole relationship to a toxic one. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

It is hard on all parties ,she may be feeling that you are intruding or pushing her out ,so she tries to get attention by getting between you and your husband.The thing to do is sit down as a family and talk out your concerns and worries together ,you could be surprised at what may come out.The dinner table is a great time for this.
Don`t give into her every time by leaving the room or she will learn that she can win all the time ,Instead stay and carry on as normal as possible ,ignore her attempts often.
You could be right that her mum is putting ideas into her head and this may come out with talks with each other and if so talk to the mum and ask her to stop.
You must try and look at the situation from the stepdaughter side also,and she may not know how to get close to you, so a talk on how you all feel is a good way to offer an easy way to resolve all your problems

Answer 4

Ok, I have a step-daughter also, she's 6. In the beginning she was very weary of me, but she grew to like me and now we get along great. She is crazy about her daddy, and for a while she acted the same way, she wanted her daddy to pick her up all the time, she wanted to sleep in the bed with him and me, etc. My husband had to finally tell her "This is my wife and she is the only person who sleeps in the bed with me, etc." Since then we have not had any issues. Yet, I think in your case the child's mother is probably talking bad about you to your step-daughter and she is acting out when she is around you because of what her mother is saying. I would suggest that you, your husband, and her mother sit down and have a talk about the entire situation. And you need to be honest with your husband about how you feel about his daughter. The only reason you have started to "resent" the child is because she is giving you the cold shoulder and she told you you were not here family, that hurt your feelings and you need to tell your husband how you feel. If not, your husband may pick up on the fact that you seem distant when his daughter is around, and he may become angry with you over it. So be open and honest about how you feel. Good Luck!

Answer 5

She is 5 years old. Every child secretly wishes their parents would be together. Now that you're married, her dreams of them together are threatened. Do not let her come between you. Rather than walk out of the room, try joining their conversation/activity. When she is at her mom's try talking with your husband and asking for his help in getting closer to her. If you are sitting on the sofa together and she tries to sit between you, tell her no and ask if she would like to sit on your lap or next to you or her dad. Do not let a 5 year old control the family. Believe me, this is only the beginning. If you let her "win" now, you'll never see the end of it.

Good Luck!

Answer 6

It is possible that her mom is telling her things. I have divorced parents, and when my dad remarried I think that my mom was a little jealous of my step-mom because we really bonded and I think my mom was afraid that my step-mom was somehow going to take her place. (of course I wasn't five either) I think that since she is so young, it wouldn't take much to get an idea in her head. I'm guessing that her mom maybe felt like she was getting very close to you, and she felt sad about it, like her daughter was choosing you over her. It sounds like her mom may have said something to her because being so young it seems unreal that she would be so close with you, and then telling you that you aren't family. I'm sure that you aren't going to be really close with her mom, but maybe you, your husband, you step-daughter, and her mom need to all sit down and talk. I know that in some situations that might not be possible, but if it would work out it could help. Let her know that you aren't trying to take her place. Also, about her trying to sit between you and your husband, it is possible that she feels like she isn't getting to spend as much time with her dad anymore. I think that sometimes if at all possible, let them spend some time together just the two of them. Not always but atleast give them sometime together. I hope that I was atleast a little bit of help. I have been the child of divorced parents, and I know I felt some of those things. Good luck, I hope that things work out!

Answer 7

"RESENT" is a very harsh word, especially for a 5 year old!!
no matter what, u need to realize that you went into the marriage knowingly about the daughter and no matter what you need to love that child somehow and someway for your husbands sake> only a good wife would do that.

i think and am probably sure that that little girls mother is the one who said things to her about you and this is why she is acting this way> becuase no 5year old does things like that on their own. ALSO for sure she is jealous of you and her dad together.... this tends to happen to little kids. which is perfectly normal> u and your husband need to find a positive way to talk to her and let her know that you are not trying to "steal" her daddy away and that you love her very much and etc. etc.
then i think the father should also talk to her and let her know that she needs to be nicer to you. and ask her why she is acting that way towards you....
this is the only way it will work out, if not you are going to just keep getting upset by the comments she makes or her actions> so until you and your husband speak up she will probably continue> nicely and in a kid mannerly tyoe so that she understands and you dont hurt her.

Answer 8

I believe that your step-daughter feels threatened by you. Since your marriage, has her father made special time for her? Every child needs alone time with their parents separately, so they feel special, and bond. Just remember, before you were a "friend" who would come to visit. Now you're a permanent fixture who has her daddy's attention. The other answerers are quick to accuse the child's mother of wrongdoing, which is possible, but I believe this is more likely. Don't resent her, continue to love her, and talk to your husband about it. He'll know what to do.

Answer 9

My first thought was it was the mom, but maybe not. It could be that the daughter herself feels like your taking away her daddy. Sounds like a little bit of jealousy from her which is understandable. Just give her some time and show her some time and love and she will come around (even if mom is saying things that might not be true). Your lucky she is only 5 and not a teenager. Just give it some time.

Good Luck with your new family..

Answer 10

She is 5 and you are her step mom. She is a child and you are an adult. She thinks you are taking away her daddy, What she is doing is normal. Walking out of the room is not the answer, she is only there on the weekends, let her have her daddy. just sit there and smile. Your feelings are honest, but you are the adult, and please to not take it out on the child. Also you are not her mother, so till you guys get this sorted out, let your husband handle her, but make sure he tells her she has to respect you. When she wants not to listen you say Your daddy says....... so she will know it is coming from him and not you. Trust me if she think it is she will not. This will pass.. then it will get worse. But do not get in it with the mother. with the he say she say....
P.S. This will ALWAYS be an issue in your marriage, and if you and your husband have children it will get worse. How well you handle it is the key.