My husband has had an affair, what shall i do?

Question

My husband had a seven-month affair and I don’t know what to do?
You see he is my best friend and we have been through so much together.
We have been married for 5 years but we have been together for 15. We have been doing IVF for the past seven years and because of complications with treatment I have ended up in intensive care twice in the past 5 years both times I nearly died. My husband has been fantastic always there by my side I never felt I was going through anything on my own; he was always there with me. At the begin of last year I had to have an operation and was very ill when I came home he was brilliant as usual. But by the end of last year he had change completely he was very distant and when I would ask him if their was anything wrong he would say no or he just needed to be selfish for a bit and concentrate on himself. He started going out with work more, his music taste changed he even started to dress differently. By February this year I knew there was defiantly something going on and after a lot of questions and arguments he finally admitted it. Apparently he had felt so needed for so long and when I was well he felt sort of redundant and around the same time a 20-year-old girl had started work in his office. She laugh at his jokes, the ones I have heard and laughed at a thousand times, he felt attractive again, needed and wanted. He said there is no question I am and always will be the love of his life but he did think life might be easier with someone else, because so many thing had go wrong for us. I defiantly feel we should have got counselling while we were going through all the treatment, but he never said how he was feeling and when I did asks it was too late. He has ended the affair and we are trying to put it behind us. I always thought it doesn’t matter if I don’t get a child because I have my soul mate the love of my life but now I feel I have been cheated out of that as well. I know I have rambled on a bit but I wanted you to have some background about us before you gave me advice, it’s so easy for other women to say just leave him, but I do still love him. I just wanted to know if this is a common occurrence with infertile couples because I am heart broken and feel so alone. So if there is anyone out there who has some advice please help me!

Answer 1

it is hard to leave someone u love, but if he is willing to end his relationship with her, and work on the marriage, u can certainly give it a chance, but if it happens again are u going to be strong enough to end it, or will it emotionally destroy u? life is difficult and what marriage doesn't have problems, it still didn't give him the right to cheat on u and betray u. u both will have to work on restoring the marriage, and it may take awhile for u to forgive it, and u will never forget it, once this happens its sort of like the end of the innocence of the marriage, it will change, but hopefully u will be able to move past all this if u both love one another.

Answer 2

I think what is making you feel so torn is that he has been by your side, never complaining. So for you, even with the changes, it came out of nowhere. You have been through a lot, and even though you say you love him and are willing to work things out, you have to also think about him. I'm not on his side, not at all. He said he needed something new, maybe that is what you both need. I think your scared to think that cause he has been there for 15 years of your life. If you do stay together, will you be happy? You said you felt cheated out of your soul mate. Will that feeling ever go away? Will you be able to go back to where you were before all of this? Your husband is not the only one hurting by everything that has happened, and while he was sitting next to your bed, was he really there? If the two of you can work things out, I wish you all the best, but be realistic, can you let go of the hurt? I was just wondering if either of you have thought about adoption? I wish you all the luck in the world, no one can tell you what you should do, you have to do what is in your heart and gut. And what will make you happy in the end! Good Luck!!!

Answer 3

Once trust is broken, it is really hard and sometimes impossible to get back. Trying to forgive and move forward is a rough road. Forgiving someone for being human is easy, but forgetting is another story all together. Understand that this will haunt you for a loooong time and your husband will hate to hear you bring it up again in a month, 6 months or a year. But, it's not like you are bringing up the time he forget to pick you up and you had to walk home (that was inconsiderate - but not something you would keep bringing up... ) this is serious. Maybe you should get some counseling. It sounds like he loves you, but needs more. Affairs are usually about needs.

sorry you have to go through this....

Answer 4

Cheating is wrong and he will have to recon with that in the afterlife.

However, I read into your words that you still love him and you know he still loves you. Most things in the world when stretched or bent wil fracture before breaking. Typical infertility is stress. If you went through so much that you had to be hospitalized twice then you put a lot of stress in your relationship...seven years of stress. I've seen some friends go through this mentally and emotionaly lost track of each other. How can they not because he can not understand what you are thinking and feeling. We can not know your life in 1500 letters but my guess is that his old jokes were not so funny anymore around years 4-7 of heavy infertility but yet he was by your side. You even said it yourself that you should have had counciling. Then some idiot-hormone-girl comes along that doesn't even know what marriage means. Especially a marriage to a husband that has been watching his wife almost abuse herself everymonth so she can be dissapointed and cry nights on end, and thinks he is cute and laughs at his jokes. She gives him some attention that he is been starving for. She flirts with him. I don't think couples having problems haveing children flirt.

I don't condone what your husband did. I understand how it happened and I'm only answering because this is one of the few, "Give it a second chance" scenarios I've seen out here.

It is his fault he cheated because he is the oldest and wisest but the entire situation is on the shoulders of all three of you.

Answer 5

This is very painful and I feel for you. I think that maybe the best thing for you to do is to realize that only you can answer the question of what to do about your marriage.

This takes time. There may be no reason to make a decision right this minute.

If you possibly can, find a professional or clergyperson you can discuss your feelings with. But don't let anyone make up your mind for you, and don't rush into anything.

Divorce is never pretty. It's worse if you haven't much money, if you have no job skills, or if you're getting old.

So you want to think very seriously about what the best thing is for you. The best thing might be to slowly figure out how you can get into a position in which you have options, including financial options.

Whatever you do, ,make sure that you have your financial life in order, and that you have copies of all important papers and records of your joint financial affairs.

Answer 6

If he ended the affair and came clean about everything and you are willing to forgive, then you must try to work it out. If your heart is hardened to him then it will be difficult.
He is wrong though. Things may appear to be easier with someone else, but many times the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence.
Definitely seek counseling. Make sure you go to someone who specializes in dealing with couples that have failed at fertility. This is special, because your issues are different than a couple who is able to conceive.
I will pray for you and yours. Good luck!

Answer 7

Before you go doing something rash you must consider the following:
*Does the past hold enough good memories upon which you can base a hope for a reliable and fulfilling future?
*When he decided to have an affair it was because he felt that you could no longer satisfy his need. As you now try to pick up the pieces and patch up the marriage are you certainly sure that you are all he needs.
*You express disappointment and it is easy to discern that you have not fully recovered from his adultery; one therefore wonders how you will cope as you endeavor to move on with the relationship and how you will ignore the unresolved issues.
The best way all round is for both of you to go through counselling and become certain that, all systems are, good to go, as they say.

Answer 8

A Leopard does not change it's spots. How can you live with a person who is humiliating you like that. The first time was bad enough but a second time ??. You have to leave this man, he obviously have no respect for you and does not mind others knowing it as well. Do not let him trample you into the ground , get rid of him, he is no good for you or your self-image which surely must be affecting you already. He won't stop whatever promises he makes. He is disgusting.Ohhh, don't lower yourself by fighting with his fancy pieces, keep your head up high and show them that you are better than they are.

Answer 9

My advice to you is very straightforward: FORGIVE HIM!
I am glad you told so much about your background with him because that made my answer easy. He is a good man who made a mistake; no one is perfect and he has been a good husband to you for a long time through stressful times for both of you. If he has ended the affair, you need to start fresh and try in your heart to not just forgive but to forget. That will be the difficult part, I believe. Counseling would still help you two. There are more important things in a relationship than sexual fidelity, although I am sure many will disagree with me. Love and sex are two very separate things. Keep talking to him about how you are feeling, get counseling and get on with your life with the man that you love (and who loves you too). Good luck to you both.

Answer 10

WOW!! You have had a rough time of it. I know from experience how it feels to have fertility problems. It is devastating and making love ends up becoming a chore and on demand. BUT, the want of a child I suppose is both of yours not only yours. It was not your fault or choice that you became ill and almost died twice. I don't care that he needed to be selfish. That is truly what it was is selfish. I think with professional help you both might be able to decide if you can put this behind you and move on. I think your soul mate abandoned you. I do wish you well and I thank you for giving us the details to have more information to help you . God Bless you, and ask him for guidence.