I know he loves and he is hurting, but he is letting his mind control his heart. He has like 2 different personalities and he even comes right home after work and still eats dinner with me, but says he is to scared to get back together because things could go back to the same. I have been speaking to a counselor and getting help and he just keeps saying is won't work and it is to late for chances. We have only been married 2 years and I just keep telling myself to hold and and things will get better. He said he doesn't want a divorce and he doesn't want to be with anyone else. He just wants to be single and free. How long do I wait though?
2007-10-13 14:39:51 · 17 answers · asked by ? 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My husband listened to some guys at his work that told him I was pushing him away and if he couldn't forget the past this marriage would never work, so he has that stuck in his head. He comes home every night and eats dinner wtih me, but yet leaves the house when he wants and says he wants to have privacy and be single. I don't understand him, but I know he said he don't want a divorce and he always questions me about where I am going or who I am talking to and I can't question him. He says this won't work, but yet he is at home every day. I have been talking to a counselor and he just says that he is happy for me, but it is to late for chances. He just keeps throwing the past up. He has 2 different personalities. One day he is happy and talking to me and the next he wants to be free. I am stuck in a rock and a hard spot.
2007-10-13 14:53:43 · update #1
Not one minute. You are either married or not. He can't keep coming home to you and eating dinner and acting like a normal couple and then tell you he wants to be single for a while. That is not fair to you or to him.
Have him see the counselor with you. He obviously has issues to work out and pretending to be single is not going to fix things or make him want to start living as married again.
If he won't go to a counselor with you then ask him to leave. Let him see what being single again would really be like.
Good luck to you
2007-10-13 14:47:45 · answer #1 · answered by mn lady 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't make the decision based on what your husband wants.
Make your decision based on what YOU want. And do not
make a decision based on fear of being alone.
Your husband if FULL of contradictions .... He doesn't want
a divorce, he doesn't want to be with anyone else ... YET he
wants to be FREE and SINGLE! Well .... being FREE & SINGLE and "NOT BEING DIVORCED" CAN NOT EXIST
AT THE SAME TIME!!!!
Since you want to know how long you should "wait through" ...
Does THAT mean that you will ALLOW your husband to be
FREE and SINGLE for a period of time .... While you do ....
WHAT??? and if he REALLY doesn't want to be with ANYONE else ... THEN what would be the reason for being
free and single???
You say that your husband says that it is "too late for chances"
Is he saying that YOUR MARRIAGE has NO CHANCE???
If that is the case .... Then I don't know what you would be
waiting for. Do you think that your husband will take some
"free" time alone .... for 6 months .....AND then your marriage
will resume (happily ever after???)
Marriage in a commitment ..... for better or worse .... during
good times and bad. And sometimes the "bad" means the
times when we "just don't feel like it" Don't let anybody else
tell you how long to "wait it though" .... It is your life and YOU
are the ONLY one that will have to live with the consequences of waiting.
Look into your heart .... and decide if you want to risk "waiting
it though" only to find out that your husband NEVER wants to
come back. And I would ask myself "Why he doesn't love
YOU enough to FIGHT to work it out! (RIGHT NOW ... Instead
of pursuing his selfish whims .... Once he married you ... it
became MORE than JUST about HIM!
Wait has long as it takes for your husband to what to be
married .... But be prepared that it "may" be NEVER!
Or your other option is to accept the PAINFUL truth ... that
your husband is NOT willing to do the work ... or make the
sacrifices necessary to be married.
The choice is YOURS!
2007-10-13 22:03:50 · answer #2 · answered by kjh 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're not stuck, you're in love, but being in love is no excuse for being emotionally abused. This is emotional abuse. He does this because he knows that he can. Got a trick for you...change the locks. When he comes over for dinner, tell him that he's single, and you are simply facilitating his single behavior. After all, if you are single, you don't have a little woman at home taking care of your needs or sleeping with you or living with you, or doing anything else with you.
It's time to leave now. There is no wait time for BS. Get out while you still have your self esteem. It breaks my heart to see women emotionally abused. You need a real man. if he can't accept the responsibilities of being a man and a husband, you don't need him. He is immature, and he doesn't deserve to be with someone as kind as you. Your love and kindness would be better spent on a real man.
2007-10-13 22:22:52 · answer #3 · answered by Kitten S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, what he's asking for is impossible. You can't go from being married to being "single and free" without getting a divorce.
If he really wants this, you should tell him to move out. It will be very hard at first, but it will make him really think about whether or not he wants to be with you. The arrangement that the two of you currently have isn't working for a lot of reasons. It still feels like you're together, even though it seems like you're technically "separated". If the separation is physical, it forces the decision and lessens the confusion.
2007-10-13 21:45:08 · answer #4 · answered by Been here before 3 · 6⤊ 0⤋
lady, sorry this guy is full of himself. If he still having issues about his first marriage then he shouldn't consider about getting married the second time around when he is not mental ready. I would questions what have he been telling guys on his job about his marriage? What have the counselor advise you how to go about dealing with situation? Just tell him he have a choice, 1) if he want to be married to you then he needed stop all of this bull crap (split personalities and talking about he want to be single, etc)! 2) file for divorce and lived the single life once again. And find himself a girlfriend that would cook for him. He can't have his cake and eat it too. When you get married everything is share. I disagree with this he can go and come without you question him. But, he can question you about the things that you do? That is bull crap! Just get yourself mental prepare to leave him. If you feel that sorry for him and you want to stay. that is your choice and you have to find a way to deal with his crap! ....good luck.
2007-10-13 22:23:21 · answer #5 · answered by Thomas 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't mention his reasons in general or this event in "the past" in particular, but the entire premise of a marriage is to stick together no matter what, find a solution to every problem, and not ever to give up. It sounds like perhaps he's using "the past" as an excuse to wriggle out of his responsibility.
Bottom line: he's refusing to fulfill his responsibility to the marriage; when things get tough he's wimping out. That's the last thing you need in a marriage - and the last man in the world you want to be married to.
File the papers 1st thing in the morning - and change your locks.
2007-10-14 13:24:32 · answer #6 · answered by Arsan Lupin 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he sounds as if he is trying to avoid the responsibilities and problems of marriage, if u are in counseling and he still thinks it won't work, what more can u do? if he is still coming home every night, than theres a chance but if not and he is going out, than there is a chance he is seeing someone else. only u can decide on how long u will wait on him, but i would think if he loved u he would be able to see that u are trying your best, so he needs to acknowledge that and stop giving u messages that he wants to be free.
2007-10-13 21:49:10 · answer #7 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has the best of both world's right now...coming home to a hot dinner and then going off to his single life....you should leave him alone if he wants to be single give him a taste of it. No calls from you, you dont answer the phone, dont open the door, dont have any communication with him for a week or two.....that should help him decide weather or not you are the one for him.
2007-10-13 21:59:53 · answer #8 · answered by gladys 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to give yourself time, waiting for him to come home and stay there is not doing you any good. Just one night don't be there for him for tea. treat yourself, movie and stay out late. Men think they can have their cake and eat it too and some woman do too. while you are there for him to dine with every night he has control over you (unless there are children he is also dining with) show you can be independent. If he is going to return it won't be long and he will start to miss you. MY mum always said don't leave the fridge door open too long things will start going sour.
I found this in a relationship and it worked.
2007-10-13 21:53:55 · answer #9 · answered by Donna B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've already waited. If it is just the two of you - no children's lives to ruin - let him be as free as he wants and you should be, too. End it. Maybe one day in the future he'll grow up and realize his mistake, and if by then you haven't found a really super guy to replace this not-so-super one...maybe there will be a chance. If you know what you want out of life, move on and get it.
2007-10-13 21:48:40 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋