Heres the deal... Ive been with my man for 4 years now... We werent commited for the first year and then I gave him an ultimatem... title or nothing at all... I got tired of being in limbo... Anyways 6 months after we made it official I found a horrible msg from his ex on his voicemail talking about having had sex w/him earlier that week... Well I called the *****- who knew about us!!! (GgRrRr) and talked to her four about 4 hours and found out everything... turns out he was still seeing her the first 6 months we were together, then stopped for a year and did it again, when I found out. I told him I wouldnt be able to forgive him and that I didnt think I'd ever forget it but we really felt a strong connection and decided to try and work things out... I still have my doubts almost three years later... My question to you mature men out there is do you think he learned from this? and if so, have any men ever been thru what I just explained and stayed faithful? HELP!
2007-10-13 08:20:11 · 18 answers · asked by KyewReeUz 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
In response to my "top contributor"...Yes, I know I stayed with him in hopes of it not happenening again... but like I said I still have doubts, thats why I asked other mens opinion... Has anyone ever cheated and been so scared of getting caught that they never did it again?
2007-10-13 08:36:26 · update #1
Also, the ultimatum was for us to become a serious/monogomous couple, or completely stop seeing eachother... LoL, I would never force anyone to marry me
2007-10-13 09:06:46 · update #2
In my opinion he's not to be trusted. I doubt he learned a lesson from this other than how to be more careful. I know you want to trust him and are looking for a way to save your marriage, but this is a fairly big deal. He didn't get drunk and make a mistake one night. This was long-term cheating.
I find it interesting that you mentioned how you convinced him to marry you by giving him an ultimatum. I wonder if you aren't suspecting that he didn't want to be married in the first place, but didn't want to lose you? Sorry but this sound like it may hard for you guys to work through.
2007-10-13 08:30:57 · answer #1 · answered by howlermonkey 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
The fact of the matter is your story has many problems other than cheating that you need to address first before the cheating. You gave you man an ultimatum to marry you or you would be gone, so he obviously wasn't ready or else he would have done it on his own, but now he faces losing you and is still torn between an old girlfriend. So he keeps you, keeps the girl on the side and realizes after he got caught that he wants you not her. The thing that is bad for you in all this is he obviously acted the same the whole time you were together and was cheating on you, so he didn't even feel any remorse for what he was doing and if he was cheating again you wouldn't know because he can obviously be the same with you while knowing he is sleeping with someone else. You married a man that can sleep with another woman for lunch, come home from work and take you out to dinner and act like you are the perfect couple, that is what should scare you.The fact is noone can know if he learned from this but him and in reality he cannot be trusted to give you an honest answer because he can't even be trusted to keep his d*** in his pants.Good Luck.
2007-10-13 08:57:40 · answer #2 · answered by Jeff D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm Not A Man...But I Honestly Think He Hasn't Learned Anything At All...Whatsoever. And How Could You Talk To His Ex For That Long? Oviously She Didnt' Care. She's Probably A Bored *****. And Gurl Why Did You Stay With Him That Long After That?. I Do Believe This Guy Is The Type That What Ever He Gets Offered He Takes With Out Any Considerations Babygurl. You've Wasted Enuff Time. Sorry Fo Answering Ur Question Even Though I'm A Gurl...But Ladies...Some Ladies Needa Smarten Up.
2007-10-13 08:27:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm a woman, but I can tell you honestly that cheating once, twice, 50 times is all the same. A person, male or female, will cheat on their partner when they feel deep down inside, subconsciously, that their partner is worth losing, regardless of their word.
First of all, you should never give someone an ultimatum, if you were stuck in limbo, it's for a reason. You're obviously not meant to be together and he's not your soulmate. He's a jerk that doesn't truly care about you, and you need to find someone that will appreciate you.
Here's some sound advice that I've lived my whole life by(and eventually found my soulmate, now I'm the most satisfied I've ever been emotionally):
(1) never marry "just because"
(2) never marry for convenience/money
(3) never marry before the first 2 years of your relationship-trust me.
(4) if you marry simply because you want a companion and you don't want to be alone, just know that there is a possibility of being unhappy.
(5) date as many different types of men you possibly can. sticking to one type of person(ie only white men or only dark men) will only bring the same troubles about and lessen your chance of finding happiness in a relationship-trust me
(6) love yourself and know who you are FIRST, before you try to know and love someone else.
2007-10-13 08:42:00 · answer #4 · answered by Lorraine T 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's possible for a man to stay faithful, it's also possible for a woman to as well. However it's probably pretty rare. Both would have to have tremendous self-restraint and self-esteem. In today's day and age I do believe you make a point that it's becoming harder to find people like this since the media portrays being sexually promiscuous as a thing to aspire to which makes monogamy seem "so 20th century". It's not all bad though, by society being more open about sex it's also enabled people to be more educated about it. In the end, you never know whether your spouse/partner is cheating on you behind your back (unless they're bad at hiding their tracks) but that's where you have to rely on a little bit of faith in them (and you would've had to in order to be in a relationship in the first place).
2016-03-12 21:18:09 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes people make mistakes and learn from them sometimes they don't. Trust is very important in a relationship and it goes two ways. Don't accuse him of cheating and don't expect him to cheat again. If you truely forgive him then I think you should talk to him and say that you forgive him for what he did in the past. Then inform him that you still have a hard time dealing with what had happened. Maybe if the two of you could go to couples counseling you could both get some insight on how each other is feeling. If he feels badly about it he is probably still have a hard time dealing with it as well. Leaving is the easy way out, working together makes the relationship grow stonger.
2007-10-13 08:59:22 · answer #6 · answered by anyhoo085 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From an older guy, I would like to say this. Forgive ONE time. The catch is you have to forgive completely. Not forget, but forgive completely. That means, "not suspect". I know that's hard, but why would you want to put yourself threw this, if your going to live with this on your mind forever. Its your call to decide if you want to continue on. Everyone can error. You can drive him into more errors if you cant totally forgive. That's a tough call. I stepped out of the line once in my marriage several years ago. My wife forgave, and we went to counseling too. Believe it or not, the times that an opportunity came my direction, I remember the hurt on my wonderful wife's face, and the respect I have for her for total forgiveness. I KNOW there will not be a third chance.
I don't know your husband, but you do. If you feel he's truly serious, please totally forgive ONE time. Don't give him reason to continue cheating. You could have a very good life ahead of you if you can leave it alone. Not bringing it up every time your upset. I wish you luck. I do not believe that once a cheat, always a cheat.
2007-10-13 08:52:55 · answer #7 · answered by megofish2day 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not a man, but I've been there, unfortunately I was married to one of these. First off, I'm with some of the other posters who said that a drunken one nighter with some random girl is hurtful, yes, but not an impossible mistake to give the benefit of the doubt.
The fact that he did this, stone cold sober, without a gun to his head or whatever, means he's more than likely to do it again, want proof? I was married to man that you would NEVER believe in a million years, is this way. That's the hook and cover.
He's got an angelic face, is the best friend and coworker you could ask for; is generous to a fault when mingling with others he's not related to by blood or marriage.
Because we have kids, I tried to overcome and go on with him, but it seems like the more I forgave him, the easier it was for him to keep on doing it.
After a decade of this, enough was enough, children or not.
2007-10-13 08:40:04 · answer #8 · answered by Yankee Micmac 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've never had an affair, but came damn close once. I confided in my wife about happened and got the royal a$$ chewing I so deserved. We went to counseling, but that wasn't as helpful as simply talking it out with my wife. But through that experience I learned alot about myself. For me, I now try to avoid situations where I would be tempted. The instance mentioned occurred during a business trip where I had spent some long hours in private with this other woman....a recipe for disaster. Steering clear of such situations and gaining a better realization of what I stand to lose has fixed me. We have now been happily married for 15 years now without another incident.
2007-10-13 08:35:24 · answer #9 · answered by Scorpio 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you would have sayed that y'all were married and he f*ck up one night and got drunk and f*ck some girl he barerly new! Then I would say yes he may feel terrible and be thankful he got a second chance! but if he was doing it for a while and made an effort to hide this and put a lot of thought in it, and was still cheating, and you let him get away with it.......sorry to say, but you are better of moving on, or prepairing your self for hurt, sorry
2007-10-13 08:29:04 · answer #10 · answered by BadboY 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋