I begin to think I married the wrong person.?

Question

He is the last born in his family and I'm the first. He postponed decisions and I deal with them quickly. Because of the way we handle things differently, we were left with a sizable mortgage, no kids, and a hurtful relationship.

we have (too) many ups and downs in our 11-year marriage. Two months ago, I moved to my bedroom because of some argument. He was trying to start the conversation last week (we haven't talked to each other since) by asking about my preferences for dinner and nothing else. This week he asked if I wanted to move back to his room because the heater there is working better. He did nothing when he saw me crying in my room.
I cannot recall any happy anniversaries we had over the years. I need a man who is the head of the family, and not a man behind my back. I'm tired.
He always said he is a good man, doing the housework and the DIYs. But, does a good man make a good husband??

sorry this is a bit long. I just wanted to mourn a bit, it's not really a question. I'm just feeling very fragile. Thanks for all the advice.

Answer 1

Hi,

Seems to me if you have had ups as well as downs and you have 11 years invested in the marriage you may want to take another look at the situation.

Although family order doesn't determine a person's personality, it can sometimes guide a person's responses to situations. Your husband may postpone decisions or he may simply like to look at all the angles before jumping the gun.
Dealing with decisions quickly may be the way you do things but that doesn't necessarily make it the only or best way to do things. And that's not saying it's wrong just two different approaches.

Sounds to me like you've been in a relationship where your husband has supported your decisions because he most likely thought that's what you wanted and was trying to make you happy. He probably wasn't sure what you wanted from him when he saw you crying.

Take a real deep breath, you moved out of the bedroom he didn't, then go talk to him.

Explain to him that you realize you have been the stronger force in the marriage for the past 11 years but you'd like him to take over or more actively share the next 11. See what he says, he very likely wouldn't mind doing that just doesn't want to lose you.

You are understandably tired, but he can't know that unless you tell him. If he is a man "behind my back" he is a strong enough man to allow you to be in control. You just have to make sure that you are actually willing to hand control over to him. It isn't easy when you are used to making the decisions to release control even when you know it's getting to you.

Talk to him and think really hard before you throw 11 years away.

Good Luck.

Answer 2

That's very sad.
11 yrs married and neither of you can communicate with the other. Sleeping apart because of arguments is a bad sign.He was probably trying, in his own clumsy way, to ask you to come back into the marital bed. Men often don't know how to cope with a crying partner; sometimes they are afraid to ask, in case they hear something they don't want to hear.

I have a similar relationship with my partner; I'm the eldest, he is the youngest boy. I, too , am the decision maker. Nothing will happen unless I decide it or do it. He will always say "whatever you like " when I ask him to discuss something we need to make a decision on. Then, if something goes wrong, he can truly say, "well, it wasn't MY decision".

I'm 10 yrs with him, and have stopped even trying to hope he will change. I feel like his mother or a minder sometimes. I constantly tell him what needs doing, and I too, am sick of carrying him.

You really don't need a man to be the head of the family; you are just tired of the responsibility. My guess is that you enjoy the decision making, as I do, and would not be happy with a man who tried to dominate you.It seems obvious, but have you tried counselling at all? Sometimes a counsellor can get at the deep-down nitty gritty stuff that you can't or won't talk to each other about.

Try taking some real time away from him. Go away for a short break by yourself. I do this at least once a year and it helps me keep my sanity. A hotel or a spa break or a health farm for a weekend to help you unwind. You are both too tense to talk properly right now; and the funny thing is, most couples end up having the same row over and over; the subject matter may be different, but the same old resentments keep coming up.
Good luck.

Answer 3

Of course you married the right person.
You did because you loved him, because, being the person you are, you chose wisely and I'm sure all you need is just to relax a bit more.
You seem to be used to be in charge, and you'd like him to be the one to do so in your marriage so that you can feel taken care of and be a bit fragile from time to time.
I get you.

But, he is a guy who just wants to be happy and not be bothered with this dominant and weak thing.
He just seems to not like things to be complicated like most men.
You would want to project on him what may be the norm in your family.
All he wants is to just live his life.
Try and enjoy yourself too and communicate more with him when you want something done or his help, or tell him how you feel.
Men are not mind reader, and although he does sound sensitive enough, anyway, not the matcho type, he doesn't seem to be a mind reader.
Be yourself and let him do the same.
It's your life not a rehearsed role that people should know by heart.
This is the real thing, you and him, and each day, is to learn and discover a bit more about each other.
Relax and try and enjoy life a bit. You're not the eldest here, but a wife who wants the support of her hubby. Just ask him.
Good luck.xxx

Answer 4

well it seems like a lack of communication has arisen. don't worry about the last born and postponing decisions, there only bugging you now, the didn't when you started. It seems like you both need to just talk it over, maybe see a relationship professional. you can ask your Dr about a referral. It's really up to you. He didn't say anything but could that be because he didn't want to make things worse? because he felt guilty and couldn't take it or because he doesn't care? if you don't know the answer you need to ask him. There is a chance that everything could go back to how it was if you seek help. But if you don't think it really is worth it/ neither of you love each other anymore then you should think about ending it. in the end it's your decision and ultimately you have to choose. good look

Answer 5

What really is the source of your frustration?

Has he changed from the man you first knew? Or was he different from the man you imagined from the first time you met?

Old adage says marriage does not "fix" faults but it only makes them worse. Based on your story, sounds like you married a good man in my book. Word to the wise, if you find 80% desirable traits in your partner, be happy because nobody is perfect. He maybe a certified procrastinator and it can be frustrating especially when you make all the most important decisions around your home.

Why don't you tell him that being a good man doesn't make him a good husband? But just be prepared to answer the question "what makes a good husband?"

Answer 6

I see you use the word 'mourn'. I hope you are not saying your marriage is over.
RELATE is an organisation that is put to good use by people like you and your Husband.
Suggest this to him and make an appointment. It will give both of you an opportunity to seek some professional advice and an opportunity to find how and why your ideas don't coincide.
I will not pretend to be the expert as all people are different; this being the essence of relationships but I do know that RELATE (used to be Marriage Counselling) have an exemplary record of sorting these problems out, one way or the other.

Answer 7

You sound so down - perhaps you should think about whether you want to carry on with your marriage. Any relationship is hard work but if it is too hard, then it's not right. Ask yourself if you are able to come back from the hurt - if you both still love each other and want your marriage to work then you need to communicate and move forward together - start doing things together and enjoying yourselves - particuarly as you do not have children so make the most of it. You need to talk - give each other a talking time to voice your concerns and frustrations and decide what you are going to do about them. Of course, if you feel that this is not the man you want to spend the rest of your life with then move on - it is all well and good making sacrifices but too many will mean you are compromising your own happiness. I imagine that you have lost some confidence with the constant battling so look to build yourself up and feel in control of your life - you can do it! Good luck. x

Answer 8

First off, there are plenty of good men and women, doesn't necessarily make them the best match as a husband or wife, especially when the day to day living brings out different expectations and needs that aren't met. Not saying he's a bad man, but it sounds like he's not your best match.

The first question I'd ask you is: Do you want to save it without changing or trying to change him? If you think you can, by all means, go for it.

But it's up to you to ask him and tell him what you've written here, charge neutrally into a discussion about what's bothering you, when I say that, I mean, not assigning blame, just tell him how you feel.

I'm sorry it didn't work out, but better to know now and do something about it, then say nothing and suffer in silence for the next 20 years.

Answer 9

The only thing i can say is maybe talk to your husband about how you feel. If you are truley unhappy and he cant change, then maybe its time to move on. The only good thing is there are no kids to hurt in the process of a divorce. Give it some time to work out. Weigh what is important in your life to you, and what the situation you are in brings you. Dont feel bad...ive only been married 5 years but me and my husband has been through everything bad under the sun. We seperated for 6 months...but he changed his ways and me & our son moved back in with him, now were doing better and even have another son together. But i still have feelings of hurt sometimes, that will never go away. But i am working on it...and we are trying...you and your husband should try the same thing, comprimise. If he doesn't change then maybe it will take losing you for a bit to make him realize your not gonna take it anymore.

Answer 10

Well, if you want to save your marriage, you need marriage counseling.

Also, remember that YOU'RE responsible for your own happiness. Your husband isn't. He can't make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. So, if you're unhappy--you probably need to look in the mirror for a big part of the reason. You might even be depressed--therapy could help with that. Not talking to him for 2 months is NOT the way to a happy, healthy marriage either.

The long and the short of this is...you guys need marriage counseling in a bad way. Please call first thing Monday morning and get something set up with someone.