When my exe and I split, our "adopted daughter" asked me why I was leaving him. She was 19 at the time. I didnt want to say it was because I was tired of him or marriage or whatever so I told her the truth -
He had an affair and I couldnt accept it.
She has refused to talk to him ever since. I didnt know this would be her reaction to hearing why.
I convinced her once to talk to him and he started bashing me and saying I had no right to tell her and I wanted to make trouble between him and her.
So she stopped talking to him again, what a dumb thing for him to say, really.
He could have said he was sorry he had hurt everyone by his actions and he regretted them - but no he attacked me instead for telling her the truth.
Do you think I was wrong to tell her the truth in the first place? She wasnt a child. And I didnt want her to think I would leave for no good reason. I felt I owed her the truth. Was that wrong of me?
2007-10-13 06:42:26 · 26 answers · asked by isotope2007 6 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Senior Citizens
I want to add she is from a different culture too, one that often sees us westerns as immoral and casual about marriage, sex etc. Without family values, compared to their culture.
This influenced my decision to tell her, I wanted her to know I didnt take a marriage lightly and wouldnt just leave for no good reason.
2007-10-13 07:16:07 · update #1
sorry Jilly, language snafu - by bashing, I mean verbally running me down, saying I had no right to tell her and create problems in his relationship with her.
She and I talk all the time, keeping in mind she is an "adopted" daughter, not legally, just a wonderful intelligent girl we took under our wing(s) and assisted to come to University here - she has a mother, and a good one, however she is a professional business woman and doesnt spend a lot of time with her daughter, again cultural.
So I have been the one to have a lot of talks with this girl (not a girl anymore though) about men, relationships, love, the importance of a career first, boyfriends, how to be safe in this country, as well as some of her homework now that she is in university.
My exe said seeing as I was her mentor, and role model I used that influence to turn her against him. NOT true.
She is all grown up now and can make her own decisions in my opinion.
2007-10-13 07:26:56 · update #2
It was a first goldwing, I did tell her there were circumstances, the realtionship was going through a real rocky period at the time. We werent being really nice to each other, and men sometimes dont really think things out when they have sex on their brain,
But THATS as much as I am willing to concede when it comes to the affair he had. NOT my fault. I didnt have an affair and I was also hurting from the tensions and stress between us.
If a relationship cant take a rocky period then it isnt much of a relationship, and he wasnt commited IMO
2007-10-13 07:30:47 · update #3
The young lady was at an age of accountability. She should have been told the truth. You did no wrong. It was then up to her to handle the information in any way she saw fit. Actually, she handled it exactly as I would have.
He wanted to continue to be respected as one who had done no wrong, and he didn't get that respect. He obviously was not ashamed of what he had done as he showed no regret. He wanted to blame you for telling the truth, when the blame for the action sits squarely on his shoulders.
He made his bed elsewhere, and now must sleep in it.
2007-10-13 11:09:19 · answer #1 · answered by Cranky 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
A very sick mama dog is an extremely stressful situation. And I understand your anger at some of the answers that you received. It is normal for you to want to vent back to these folks some of your anger and frustration. So, try to remain calm and keep your focus on your dog & pups. Don't let this cloud your true goal - a healthy dog. And yes, I would love to know this outcome. Kudos to you for your quick action in caring for 7 pups! It isn't easy! I wish that more people would realize that there are situations that stump even the best of vets. While the calicum issue is the most common with these symptoms, it is not the only cause. And your dedication to this dog and her pups is very, very admirable. So, you know that you are responding to this crisis in the best manner possible. You are doing all you can do in an extremely difficult situation. Let God sort out the rest. Peace
2016-05-22 05:53:54 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I believe that when there is a divorce, and the children are old enough to understand, and the other party has caused it, but continues to berate you, there comes a time when you have to sit down and tell the truth. But, you need to stress that the other party is still their father or mother, and they should not take it out on them. Explain, they made a bad mistake yes. But ask them to think about it for a while, before making choices of whose side they should take. Tell her you are over it. And if she has a good relationship with him, advise her to tell him, she is not interested in your and his differences, and does not want to hear him having a go at you. He should be man enough not to make excuses, but help her to understnd, that people don't like admitting they are wrong. Help her to keep the two relationships separate. And enjoy both. I had to make this choice, because the children were being gfed so much 'poisen', when he was the one who left me three months pregnant with the youngest child. He tried to cover his tracks. But I still told them, he is their father. Then later, whilethey werhe on holiday with him is Australia, he kidnapped them and we had to fight a heavy custody battle, which I won, and ws given Legal Guardianship aswell. I di at that stage cut him off from them for five years. We lost every sent we had. Once they were older, they heard the truth, and I let them maketheir choices. Now they hardley see or contact him. What goes around comes around.
2007-10-13 13:25:02 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
She's an adult. You owed her the truth. Your ex also owes her the truth. Him bashing/verbally attacking you was not a rational, adult thing to do or say to his adult daughter.
What she does with what the both of you told her is up to her and her alone. If she doesn't want to see or speak to him, that's fine. That's between her and him. If in a year (or weeks, or months from now) she wants to try to make peace with him, then support her.
If he wants to make the first move in apologizing and making amends to her, he needs to know she may not be willing to hear it at that time, but it may be the first step in fixing their broken relationship.
You did the right thing.
You told her the truth, which you owed her. He also owes her the truth about what went wrong between you and him, but since he's not willing to own up to it, than it's him whose in the wrong, not you.
2007-10-13 07:27:33 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
You, you were not wrong but this sounds like a father/daughter problem and you may be better off just letting them work things out.
You don't want to separate that bond, no matter what the reason is. If she asks you anymore questions about the past relationship, you might do better by informing her you think it best not to discuss it any more because you love her and want her to love her father.
2007-10-13 07:12:16 · answer #5 · answered by makeitright 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I think it is important to tell the truth, especially in a situation like this. If I was in your daughter's place, I would want to know. As for your ex, I think his reaction arises from his inner knowledge that he made a mistake and his inability to acknowledge this - all of which is his issue - if he ever hopes to have any kind of relationship with his daughter, he needs to be honest with her too. You did the right thing.
2007-10-13 11:56:53 · answer #6 · answered by Copper Cat 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
No you were not wrong in telling her. She was an adult and it was up to her to know why. Without having to go through the details Cheating is just that Cheating. It was then totally up to her to accept what happened and for her alone to decide how she felt about him.
He sounds like he is trying to lay the guilt trip on you, but you have done no wrong, so don't let him play that game.
KARMA can be a real B----!!!! Now he has to live with it.
2007-10-13 10:11:52 · answer #7 · answered by Moe 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
NO, you were correct..it is sad that he chooses to put you between him and her...he is the one who looses all the way around. Karma is a very dangerous thing to play with...he did you very badly, and then tried to lie his way out of it...never works. Had he just said, "I did, I regret it but cannot change it," all would have been fine. But he was a fool...what I want to know is, how did you stay with him as long as you did? He had to have been like this from the beginning!
Again, NO you were not wrong. Children rarely will get involved between mom and dad, yet HE is the one who tried...and it failed miserably. Best to you, love and peace in life, Phil
2007-10-13 07:13:49 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 6⤊ 0⤋
No I don't think you were wrong. I believe if the child is old enough to understand the truth it should be told. If you hadn't told her and she found out on her own she may have ended up hating and resenting you also. Your ex is the dumb one he should have not talked bad about you since you were the one to get her to talk to him again. He is the one that blew that. I hope things work out for you and your daughter.
2007-10-13 06:51:17 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
She was an adult. therefore you did owe her the truth. If she indeed asked. She is old enough to make up her own mind and choices on how she chooses to deal with the situation. You are not the one that cheated he did, let him deal with the consequences of his behaviors. She would have found out and probably would have been angry that you did not tell her the truth. Had he not done it, you could not have told her... God bless****
2007-10-13 06:47:58 · answer #10 · answered by ? 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋