Reasonable expectations of a stay at home wife?

Question

My wife and I consider ourselves fortunate that we are able to afford for her to be a stay at home wife and mother to our 18 month old twin girls. I also have a home office which is great for her, but not always easy for me to get my work done! But that's another story! I also do 99% of the cooking, I too change diapers, give baths, make beds, vaccum, and there is NOTHING I refuse to do to help out around the house (although I don't always enjoy it). But is it wrong to expect dishes to be in the pantry instead of the sink? Clean underwear in my drawers? Dry cleanin in the closet instead of the car? Toys put away instead of on the living room floor? Her waking up before 9am to take a shower instead of sleeping in until the twins wake up? What should MY expectations of HER be as I try to earn a living down the hall while they watch "Ellen" and "Oprah" and "Greys Anatomy" on the DVR all afternoon?

Answer 1

I am a stay at home mom of four kids ages 5,4,4, and 8 months this is what I do on a daily basis. My husbaand works 12 to 16 hour days 6-7 days a week.
1st my day starts at 7 am I get up get breakfast ready then wake the kids,while they eat I feed the baby.After breakfast I get the 3 older kids ready for school two in preschool and on in kindgarden. We leave at 8:30 drop one of at preschool then wait 15 min then drop the opther of at preschool (they are in diffrent classes ) Then I take the other on to kindergarden. I get home about 9:15 to 9:30 and I fix my husband something to eat cause he will be walkingin the door any min. After that I do the dishes clean up the bath room, and sweep the floors then its time to pick the kids yp from preschool. So i pick one up then wait 15 min and get the other one. Back home and I feed the baby lay him down for a nap and fix lunch for the kids. After lunch I spend time with them watching a cartoon of play. Then Its time to go get my daughter from kindergarden. Pick her up go home get snamck and feed the baby then give hima bath then its time to start getting supper ready I do supper wake husband to eat with us. After supper I clean the kitchen table, dishes and sweep and mop then give kids baths. After that I have to feed the baby again and then I start on the laundary for the day. Finally its bed time for the kids at nine so they get ready for bed then I take a brake and wath a movie or t.v show that I wanted to see. Then its time to get husband ready for work and put the baby down for the night hopefuly. Husband leaves for work and I stay up getting the house organized and thing ready for the next day. Keep in mind I have cheerleading class for the kids on Tuesday as well and I have a womens class on Monday nights and still there is the grocery store someday in there on top of other thing that may need to be done or something we have to go too during the week.
I am sorry, you sund like a nice guy and all but your wife is using you. I mean its nice to have you help her out once in a while but man you shouldnt have to do everything plus work. If shes at home then thats her job the home not yours. You need to sit down and talk with her and expalin how you feel and that she needs to start caring her own weight in the home cause you cant do it all your self and no you should expect her to do a lot of the house stuff thats why shes at home in the 1st place. Good luck

Answer 2

I can see why this would annoy you but I can also see it from your wife's side. Until I had a baby I used to think that if I was a stay at home mum life would be so easy and I would have the cleanest house on the street, the reality is so very different. My son is only 6 weeks old and I am currently on maternity leave, I do my best to get the housework done before my husband comes home but it doesn't always work out like that if I've had a bad day with the baby. I used to think going to work every day was hard but being a mother is truly the hardest job in the world. If your twins are not sleeping through the night then I understand why your wife would want to sleep in. My hubby works very very hard and long physical hours and yet he still helps out round the house and with the baby when he comes in cause he knows how hard it is looking after the baby from when he was at home on paternity leave and I was recovering from the birth. Have you spoken to your wife about this? I can't tell from your question whether your wife has her work cut out with the twins or whether she is just being a bit lazy, only you know the answer to that. If she is just being lazy and you really think she has the capacity to do more around the house then I don't think it's unrealistic for you to expect this - have a chat with her and tell her that it's not fair for you to be working all day and night while she sits in front of the telly. Good luck.

Answer 3

I have a 12 month old and the first couple of months I was freaking out about the state of my house.
Then I read this:

Where is the Mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery..blissfully rocking.
Cooking and cleaning can wait 'til tomorrow,
but babies grow up, which I've learned to my sorrow.
So, settle down cobwebs,
Dust, go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

My entire set of priorities have changed all because of this little poem. My son comes first, housework is second. I do enough to make sure he has a liveable environment, dishes to eat off of, etc....the rest can wait, and sometimes it does for quite awhile.

Luckily I have a very sweet husband who knows that when he is working full time, I am also working full time, and when comes home that means we are both working part time. Usually he is so engrossed in our son when he comes home from work he doesn't even notice the state of the house.

Maybe you should just chill out a bit. I know how busy I stay with just one baby who isn't even walking yet -- I think your wife probably deserves a round of applause.

Answer 4

I think you and your wife need to sit down and make a list of the daily and weekly chores of the household. Then sort out who should be responsible for each chore. I am currently a stay at home mom, and when I first started staying at home, I felt like my fiancee just dropped any responsibility he had to upkeep our home and expected me to do everything. After talking about it, we decided he would be responsible for taking out the garbage to the cans and to the curb, making the bed (I'm always up first), cleaning the tub and showers (thats mostly because I'm pregnant and its hard to bend over the bathtub), after dinner, I do dishes and wipe down the counters while he wipes the table and sweeps the floor. He is responsible for cutting the grass. I maintain the daily chores of dusting, vacuuming, laundry, making meals, paying the bills, doing the grocery shopping, etc. We both clean up after ourselves and the kids, although my kids are 8, 6, and 3, so they are responsible for putting most of their toys away. Part of being a stay at home mom is the mom part, I make sure homework is done for my 8 and 6 year olds, I spend at least 30 minutes every night doing something with all 3 kids, like playing memory or bingo. While the older two are at school, my 3 year old and I play games as well. Since my fiancee is not my kids' real dad, I do all baths (his personal preference and in today's world, who can blame him?). I try to get everything I can done before he gets home from work so that when the kids go to bed, we can spend some time together. I usually shower after the older two are off to school and my son is taking a nap. I admit that after I shower, I take a break and watch a little tv or read a book or get on the internet. Sorry for all the rambling, hope I helped.

Answer 5

I am a new stay at home mom. I do 99.9% of the caretaking of our son. My husband helps out some, but not often. He does almost all the cooking, which is awesome. I also do all the household chores. Laundry, cleaning, etc. I am kind of a neat freak and want it done my way so I don't care if my husband doesn't help with that stuff. I have worked outside the home my whole life (from 15 to 33) so I feel like I have to stay busy at home. It sounds like your wife is pretty lucky to have you. Especially to have some help with the kids. So I think the least she could do is keep up the household chores. Talk to her about it. Just don't yell or put her on the defensive. That definitely won't work. Maybe she doesn't understand how you feel.

Answer 6

Its great that financially you guys can afford for one parent to stay home, but it sounds like you both may not agree on the expectations of a stay at home parent. I know as a stay at home mom that it is pretty exhausting, especially with twins. By the end of the day my house looks like a disaster despite the fact that I vacuumed a hundred times and cleaned up five thousand messes. When you two agreed on being a stay at home mom did you actually include the word wife as well, because my understanding is that I stay at home with our children and that means spending time with them not cleaning (although I do a majority of the housework). My husband cooks when he gets home from work at least 90% of the time, he also helps with other housework that I don't have time for, however in exchange he never (or rarely ever) has cleaned a toilet, a bathroom, vacuumed under the couches and in or an abundance of things. I can't say that neither of us gets frustrated with the amount of work that we are doing, but we agreed to a code, I do 60-70% of the cleaning and the child raising and we share the rest. Perhaps your expectations are too high or your wife doesn't share them. (I'm not saying that you don't do a lot, but your wife probably feels the same way too) Why don't you sit down with your wife and try and settle what you both feel are reasonable expectations of BOTH of you (not just what you feel your expectations of her should be) remember, if you hired a nanny you would be paying someone to do what she does, most likely none of the housework. Talk to her about how you feel and try and split the household chores between the two of you. I know that its hard for me to empathize with my husbands work stresses when he is not chasing two children around everyday. Since you work at home it makes it harder for everyone to get stuff done, her because she probably relies on you too much on stressful days and you because I imagine it is hard to get some quiet time. Consider getting out for a few hours to do quiet work at the library or set aside a set work schedule. Let your wife know your "office hours" and under no circumstances are you to be interupted during those hours unless of an emergancy, just as if you were working at an office. Remember that both of you probably are feeling like you are doing everything so approach this topic with caution. Don't accuse just simply say we have to work some issues out because I am not getting the amount of work that i need to get done.

Answer 7

I'm a stay at home mom... I do have occasional slack off days where I sit around and watch TV in my pajamas all day, but my situation's a little different in that I'm a military wife and I'm usually alone with our four children anyhow.. and those days are few and far between.

I do expect my husband to help me out a lot when he is home, but I consider my duties to be the ones that a house needs to continue running.. I do the dishes, I vacuum twice a day, I fold laundry, but my husband is responsible for putting his own clothes away, just like our four girls.. I usually cook all the meals, I iron uniforms, make beds and I run a daycare out of our home.. so sometimes there's a lot of toys around. I make sure the house is clean when we go to bed at night.

It could be that your wife just doesn't have a good routine for herself, but more likely is that the two of you have never sat down to communicate what you would like from each other. I don't mean attack her, but sit down and have a grown up conversation about divvying household chores and priorities. She might not think the same things are as important as you do and vice versa.. you might have to compromise on clean dishes in the dishwasher as opposed to dirty dishes in the sink or something..

Answer 8

Hmm, is your wife aware of your expectations? Have you asked her to put the dishes away, do the laundry, put the dry cleaning away, etc? I, too, am a stay at home mom and lately...I've been slacking. Of course, I have good reasons...I'm exhausted, I don't feel good, my son isn't napping, and more. Is your wife tired? Does she have any alone time? Can you watch the girls for 1 hour while she does her tasks? If my husband could watch my son for an hour a day, I could spot clean very quickly. I could put all the dishes away, I could vacuum, I could put the laundry away. But, it is very difficult to do all of this when you have a baby following you around, climbing on the stairs, screaming for whatever reason, blah, blah, blah. Is she really able to watch TV w/ 2 18mth olds? I am a little curious how she manages that??? And, do your girls nap? If Noah would nap, heck, I could move mountains!!!

Answer 9

You would be surprised what stay at home moms do. It is a thank less job and gets no respect. I take care of everything that could possibly go wrong, I clean the house, do laundry, run errands for the kids and husband at a moments notice, schedule appts with the drs, dentists, orthodontist, dermatologists, allergists. I get the oil changed, I sit in the dealerships, mechanics place when the car gets worked on, I mow the lawn, fix the stucco, clean and take care of the pool, pressure wash the exterior house, fix little problems within the house and that is just a few. But I do this willingly because I am at home with the children so I can supervise the teenagers and oversee that they don't get into trouble.

Answer 10

This is obviously bugging you and you need to talk to your wife, My partner and I went through something like this. We have a 5 month old but when she was about three months he felt I wasn't doing enough around the house ( but he was doing nothing really either). We talked about it and he was able to see how truly tired I still was cause she was waking up allot still at night. Anyways we came upon a compromise that we'd both pitch in. I would dedicate 20min a day just to cleaning and he would do more parenting on the weekend so I could rest and get stuff done. I cant really comment on what your wife needs to be doing at home because its just one side of the story and I dont know how difficult your little ones are. Maybe shes also a little depressed or overwhelmed? Anyways best advice is to sit down and try to understand where she is coming from and see i shes willing to pitch in a little more. Best of luck to you!

please dont listen to Dark L. his suggestions are immature. You wont do anything to help your relationship with your wife if you cut of the cable and take away all her money.

Answer 11

I envy you that you can stay home to work,I wish my hubby could too. If what you said are true then what does your wife do ? Watching "Ellen " & "Oprah" with the girls is not healthy specially since they are soo young. They should be watching cartoons instead.Being a stay home mom means taking care of the kids (piroity) then the housework.

Ya she needs a break too from all the work a stay home mom do but watching shows all day long is too much specially making the kids watch with her.

I'm a stay home mom with a soon to be 1 year son. I cook for the whole family and do housework. I let my son watch Seseme street while I do my chores and then take him out on grocerries shopping. I play and read to him. The only chore my hubby has to do when he's home is do the dishes after dinner. He plays with our son and spend all the time he has with the family.I beleive its fair that the stay home mom do all the chores she can since she is home most of the time while hubby is at work.