Should I stay or should I go?

Question

When I got married three years ago, I thought I had chosen the best possible mate. A few days after wedding, my husband showed a violent, angry side of his personality I had never witnessed. Now everytime we get into an argument, he is ready to throw our marriage out the window. His first wife cheated on him with his best friend and they had a child together. It is obvious to me that he has some deep seated problems that he refuses to acknowledge. I am afraid to talk to him about this because it will send him into a tantrum. Last night we were out and he was going to leave me stranded 45 miles from home because he was mad. I do not feel safe in this relationship. Does anyone think there is a chance we can work things out, or do you see this situation as doomed?

I have known this man for over 25 years. He is loved by everyone, but only because he doesn't unleash his temper on anyone but me. I am not trying to have a pity party. I live in a remote area and he has isolated me to the point that I have no one to talk to about this but you guys. Thanks for listening to me.

Answer 1

he is taking his anger out on u from his previous marryage it just bulilt up in him because im going there that right now and it never going to change........trust me........

Answer 2

The only way to work things out is if your husband will 1) acknowledge there is a problem, and 2) actively seek help for it. You should know that it is very common that men with intense anger issues and violent tendencies can hold them in check until after the wedding, and then explode. It sounds like that is what your husband did. He may still be going through some trauma and depression from what happened in his first marriage, but that is not your problem, and frankly, you only know his side of the story. First, you need to get some physical distance from your husband so that your physical and emotional needs are not put in jeopardy as you try and work through this. Next, you need to give him an ultimatum and tell him to see a counselor (alone, and with you) or else.

Answer 3

dang its hard when you feel that your stuck between a rock and a hard place. i know exactly what your feeling. Im in a simular situation exept we have 3 kids together and he has raised my 2 since they were 6 mths and 2 years old,so tatal i have 5 kids. How do you leave? thats the question. it isn't should you leave its how do you do it. how do you leave when you have invested so much and just hoping he will see the light at the end of the tunnel that you are not the other woman that hurt him. My husband thinks that all woman are cheaters and liers. he has been let down by every woman in his life all the way to his grandmother. Im the only woman that has not. So all I can say is it's easy to get answers from people on how to get counceling and just leave but its not that simple is it? Just let him know that sometimes people get sick and tired of being sick and tired and that one day you will take him up on his offer to just end it or to just get the hell out of the car on your next trip and he tells you to get out. tell him that when you do that don't expect for you to come back later. "because when a woman is fed up there is nothing you can do about it "(lyrics from a r.kelly song)So he needs to think before he blows up how some things he says out of anger he will not be able to take back one day.

Answer 4

If you are afraid to talk to your husband for fear it will send him into a tantrum, then that's not a marriage, that's a dictatorship. He obviously has alot of anger built up inside from the past, alot of issues to work through. To leave you stranded 45 miles away from home is very dangerous to you. He's apparently not thinking straight. I am concerned for your safety. I would remove myself from the situation as soon as possible. Give yourself time to think, and give him time to work on himself inside. Tell him he needs anger management and counseling, and that you will come back only if he gets it. And even then, I'd make sure that's what I wanted for the rest of my life. You should not have to live in fear of another human being. Ever. I wish you the best.

Answer 5

I would tell him that either he goes and gets some therapy or he can get his things and leave. You are not the one with the problem - he is, therefore, he should be the one to either get help or leave. I know you love him, but if he is showing this aggression toward you now, what do you think is going to happen if he doesn't get any help? He has some major issues that need resolving. I don't think your marriage is doomed, but if he can't acknowledge the fact that he needs help, or doesn't see how he is hurting you because of his behavior, it's just not worth it.

Answer 6

You need to leave him as soon as possible and tell him if he wants you back it has to be after he has had some counseling. If he refuses to acknowledge his problems though it is probably a doomed situation. contact a domestic violence shelter near you and you can talk to others who have gone through that and get support through the divorce and advice to help keep yourself safe if he fights the divorce or tries to harm you - getting a restraining order for example. If you have put up with this for 3 years, it is long overdue that you leave him and find someone else.

Answer 7

You are not safe. The man you love and that supposedly cares about you was going to leave you standed 45 miles from home? He needs to seek professional help. You said yourself you were afraid to talk to him because he might go into a tantrum.I don't see you asking him to get help because you are too scared of what he might do. So, find a place to go and move on! Take care and good luck!

Answer 8

If you don't feel safe, get out. Your intuition is trying to tell you something, pay attention.

My ex is the nicest guy in the world to everyone else but his family. He wasn't violent just a self destructive drunk. To this day, my mother still believe I'm a liar, even though I have the documents on the 6 DWI's he had in the two years before I finally threw him out.

Don't worry what others think, do what is right for you. I have to wonder how many women right before they are murdered by their spouses think, I should have paid attention to my guts.

Answer 9

my boyfriend was kinda the same way except no ones cheated on him but he was violent every time we got in an argument. no amount of talking could help him. but then he took this class called summit. u might wanna look it up. its expensive. a couple hundred... but after he got in touch with his inner self and has never been violent since... its an amazing program. hes only 17 and im about to turn 18 so its for everyone. im taking it as soon as i move out of my parents house because they think its for people with anger problems but its for everyone

Answer 10

leave him asap, this man needs expert help and the longer you put up with it, the worse he will get, you are not doing either of you any favours. if you stick at it you may end up having a child, then there will be someone else affected. if he gets help and over a period of time can show you he has changed then maybe there could be a future, but take it very slowly,remember that you are entitled to be happy. good luck

Answer 11

Doomed unless he seeks therapy.....I think it is only a matter of time before your husband really has a blow up....any man that would leave a woman stranded 45 miles from home and alone....has some issues....Demand that he see a therapist or counselor....or you may consider leaving him....I think he is dangerous...