Here's some song lyrics/poetry to peruse....what do you think?

Question

Listen to our young son, crying on the phone
Feeling far less freedom as you’re standing all alone
And deep down we know the reason this is so

Listen to the lawyers picking wallets to the bone
Listen in the foyers to a home now dead and gone
And deep down we know the reason this is so

CHORUS
In the face of disaster, you labeled me a bastard
Now that life’s much faster, is it worth the price you’ve asked for?
The judge awarded custody.
Life came in so completely, and went.
Leaving me with just 13.33 percent

Listen to arraignments - just pretend I’m a wanted man
Listen to state agents try to make a new family plan
And deep down we know the reason this is so

Listen to accusations; not sure of your true intentions
Listen to revelations; and the word “love” no one mentions
And deep down we know the reason you let go

In the face of disaster, material your true master
Now that life’s much faster, is it worth the price you’ve asked for?

CHORUS

I'm alive but just 13.33 percent

Everything I write is metered to handle getting a melody put to it. This one obviously would have a heavy keys, slow beat.

Answer 1

well, if it's autobiographical, all my best wishes go to you.
the rhyme scheme is good, and if the person who sets the text to music doesn't do anything weird and untoward like putting unstressed syllables on high notes, it sounds like you've got a good strong sad song.

Answer 2

keep going u are a wordsmith

and on the right lines

to improve, hell knows what gold dust is

Answer 3

I love it! If it's set well to music, it'll make me cry. It's so sad.

Answer 4

I quite like them. Thank you for sharing. ARE YOU GOING TO SET THEM TO MUSIC? i THINK THAT WOULD MAKE THEM EVEN BETTER.