A little Sidetracked?

Question

Greetings,

Looking for great advice:
I've been married for 7 years and have been with my wonderful husband for a total of 11 years. He is a fantastic person, extremely talented and a genuinely a descent human being. When we got married, I had many different views regarding starting a family, marriage and commitment. Now in my mid thirties, I have differenent thoughts about the issues mentioned above. My husband is a little older and much more conservative than I am. I have become bored and a little anxious about spending the rest of my life with someone that is not at par with my personality and energy level. I'm starting to think that he's not enough....
As for family, before getting married, I agreed on having atleast one. Now, I do not.
As for marriage, I use to think that it was till death do us part. Now, that may be too long.
As for commitment, same as the marriage statement.

When did marriage become such a chain of obligation

Answer 1

I've been where you are. You will probably not like my answer, but I will give it anyway since you asked. Marriage has always been a chain of obligation. People 100 years ago were warned and prepared for the reality of what happens after the honeymoon is over, and because of that, a much larger percentage of marriages stuck it out and grew old together. Nowadays, because of media, porn, and pop culture, we are taught to meet our own needs, and get rid of anyone who stands in the way of our personal happiness, even if it's the one we vowed to stay married to "for better or worse." That vow is seldom honored anymore, and millions of marriages are torn apart because people enter those marriages with unrealistic expectations.
My marriage has survived 14 years, and I am your age. It has been HELL at times. We;ve survived 2 affairs, infertility, an adoption gone bad, financial ruin, etc. They honeymoon ended about 3 years into the marriage, and I got bored and had the affair. The list goes on...
We decided, back then, that we had missed the point of marriage, and forgave eachother, yes, I had to forgive him too. We've stuck it out. And, it's getting better. Different, but better.We both continue to change. But we are changing together, and have learned that marriage is NOT about keeping eachother entertained. Marriage is full of unmet needs, yet it has surprises and unexpected blessings. That is what marriage is all about- 2 people vowing to never abandon eachother because of imperfection in the other. It is a gift.
If you are bored in this marriage, you will get bored in the next. He's not the true problem-- your expectations are. Harsh, but true. I wish you happiness and I hope you do not abandon your husband.

Answer 2

hi,
I'm saying this because i'm a High energy person with a untamed spirit as well, and i find many people unable to keep par...
I'm not married, and i've only been in high school type relationships, i'm now 20.. you get the idea...i'm still young.

But, what your saying is after 11 years, you two are different to the point where you question the compatibility.
I doubt this is an isolated scenario, time changes people, and on the bright side, you guys don't have kids yet, so a split up or a break might be the best move.

I've gone out with girls who just lacked the high energy level that i have, and the drive for living life. They were pretty as hell,I swear i loved em... but when being around the person bores you...not much you can do right?

Just be honest and ask yourself is he worth it....
Bcuz if you honestly can't see yourself spending more years with him, i say take a break, before you do have kids, and it becomes a whole new issue.

Maybe this has nothing to do with it,correct me if i'm wrong please,You mentioned hes fantastic, talented and a decent human being, but for such an Important question, you never once said you loved him, or how it's killing you that you two aren't at par.
I personally think your leaning slightly towards the possibility of somthing new..
If you're as high spirited as often as i am, people who bring it down even a notch are not really favorites...

But like i said, i'm too young for any real marriage questions, and maybe the above doesn't mean anything..
I'm solely speaking form the fact that we both deal with people with lesser personalities as us..
Maybe I'm wrong about you, i dunno..

Hope i helped....

Good luck

Answer 3

about a billion years ago.. marriage has always been a chain of obligations.. that's what marriage is... an obligation to someone else.. if your not happy talk to him about it... i wouldn't go and throw away a 7 year marriage before talking about it.. it is very natural to doubt a relationship at some point in time. we start to think forever is a long time, what if i made the wrong decision, where is thing going, he's not the same, i'm not the same.... my father and his wife have been married for 22 years now and they were always fighting.. so they took a break, she went and stayed at a MUTUAL friends house and he went crazy missing her.. so he tried harder to make her happy and after a month they are doing great and she will probably be back soon.. maybe a break is all you need.. sometimes when we have something in front of us all the time we dont realize how much we would miss it if it was gone.. try missing it for a little while.. if you dont really care that he's not there then i would suggest disgusing this with him and maybe divorcing.. go with how u feel... good luck

Answer 4

As soon as you said your vows and then said I do.... that is the problem these days with getting married many people don't really look at the big picture.... I am much older than my wife and before we got married I made sure I told her the disadvantages of marrying an older man... I was the one with reservations not her... I knew it may not be easy in the years to come and needed to make sure she knew exactly what she was getting herself in to... I'm sure this is not what you want to hear but it is what it is.... I do applaud you for not getting pregnant and agree that it probably would be a bad idea given your feelings........ all i can say is if you are seriously thinking about getting out do it sooner than later.

Answer 5

I can't believe all of the compliments you just gave your husband, you with the same brain say how boring he is. You better thank God that you have this man and not one that knocks you upside your head, lie, cheat, On drugs ect... You shouldn't bring a child into this world, because you are not ready. You can't have a baby and another life also. I really think you should step aside and give a good woman the opportunity to make this good guy happy.

Answer 6

That's what you get when you jump to sign up for something that you have no idea what you're getting into. You never knew the true meaning of the word 'love'. Learn from it and don't do it to anyone else.

Answer 7

It's simple. (and I say this out of love) He's grown up and you haven't. Get rid of your cheerleader uniform and stop watching reruns of "freinds". Either act like a wife or quit wasting this fine man's time. I'm sure there are other single respectable women with character out there that would love to see him available.

Answer 8

i would step back and think. "would i miss him if i never saw him again?" or "would i be sad if i saw him with someone new?" Also, think about the memories you have. Do whats best for you. I think if your happily married, you should cherish it, especially if he's soo good to you. Its so hard to find men like that. (i'm so happy i found one!) ♥

Answer 9

Communication is the key, sister. Talk to your man about these problems, not strangers. ONly you and him can compromise or whatever in the end.