How can we stop this continues battle?

Question

Me and my Fiance have been together for 5yrs and have had to struggle all the way. But because of it we love each other very much.We have been living @ diff places for the last 5 mos and the last 3 mos we have been @ diff states, we're an hour apart.We have lived together for the past 3yrs, and have not been apart in 2yrs.I have a tendacy to complain about how bad things R and something blame him when it's not his fault. After I finish complaining I always tell him I'm sorry about blaming him and that I want just wanted some one to listen to me gripe about life. But recently he told me that he feels that I'm too hard on him and that I don't consider his feelings.Then our roles reverse and it's my turn. We don't mean to hurt each other, but someones feelings always end up bruised. we never talk about it until one of us starts to gripe again. Lately since we haven't been staying under the same roof the fights come more frequent. Could it just be the distant apart? How can we stop this

Answer 1

You are using him to vent.
You are dumping a load of negative emotions on him.
He is going to feel resentful.

But of course- you already know this. (you seem to indicate you understand quite a bit- but not know what next action to take)

It's natural to use your SO to unload.

I will suggest this:

Have a "mock" conversation with him. Go into a room, and say everything you want to say to him- but he's not there! you are by yourself.

This will help you filter out what you really need to say to him- and what is really 'not his fault'. Then you can approach him with what he really needs to hear- not all the extra stuff he doesn't.

Do it BEFORE you reach critical mass.

It's hard. You think that if you keep it inside you are doing yourself and him a favor- you are not if you allow it to build to a blow-out.

It's always the little things- it just doesn’t make sense that the little things should cause so much trouble- but it's really a TON of little things allowed to fester.

Don't let them breed.

Answer 2

MJ has the one word. Counseling.
You are both into control and being right. You say you love one another.
Write down, each of you in a separate notebook what you like about the other.
Then list what you don't like. This probably wont work. You will end up fighting to prove who is right.
Try to get some counseling at your local counseling center. If you can't do that, it's up to you to just not engage with him. What have you got to lose? Your way isn't working. Just don't give him any of the usual, when you don't answer, the ranting will eventually stop. Then you both win. This works every time.

Answer 3

If it is not smooth sailing in a relationship.. then it is best to let the ship said without u..
life is not meant to be.. sad, or fighting or in turmoil..

one of u could have depression.. and it drags the other one down? be sure it is not u.. ?

living apart will only make a man .. have a wondering eye..
it has nothing to do with loving each other..

perhaps old habits are hard to break. or the two of u are just addicted to the relationship..

give this some thought.. get it together or move on..
U can't put a square peg in a round circle.. .

Answer 4

You are in love. You just need problem-solving skills. Grip about something without making it personal. Use "I" statements, like, "I feel lonely, frustrated, scared,..." Come to it with a solution. Listen well. Hear him and don't deny, defend, or act sarcastic. Just show that you understood what he said and feel for him, then ask if he has any ideas on what can be done to fix the issue. Then negotiate a solution. If you learn this skill, you will have it made. Blaming, threatening, manipulating, giving up your control or responsibility for your own life and actions, and refusing to solve problems will sink your relationship and life, so step back and evaluate your tactics. If they aren't working for you, then find more effective ways to be happy and get your needs met. Good luck.

Answer 5

Counseling would be good- it sounds like you love each other, but your communication SUCKS EGGS. You need to learn how to communicate your problems, and that just bc one or the other of you is upset doesn't mean you did something wrong. When there is griping, you probably just want to know someone agrees with you and is on your side, so they don't feel like the world is against them. You're not fighting each other, you just need to be on the same team.

Answer 6

they say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and the time together more precious, make 2 lists, and ask him to do the same, the 1st 1, all the good things about your relationship, then all the bad things, compare them and decide what the main issues are, and work on them,you may decide the relationship has run its cause, but if its Worth fighting for, one of you may have to sacrifice more than the other,separation can also put your imagination into overdrive,the first thing on the list should b , respect for him and the 2nd we have trust in each other. good luck.

Answer 7

You both sound sexually frusterated and probably need to just spend some time together. I had the same prob once and it really bothered me to no end. I would suggest doing what I could not. Rent a room for the weekend and spend the entirety in the bed. Miss him, stop being angry that you are apart and appreciate it when you are together. (glass half full)

Answer 8

It was bad while you were together, worse even now that you're apart. You claim to love each other, but make one another miserable. Life is too short to screw around hurting yourself, and compounding the problem by hurting your partner as well. Sounds like you are just not compatible. Sounds harsh, but honestly, seems as though neither of you is happy. Maybe time to let go of each other.

Answer 9

really think,
distance has nothing to do
with what is goin' on between the 2 of u,
i think, having quality time,
could help.
quality time_in a way
that you'll spend time for each other.
try to figure out,
how u would listen
to each others need...
so that you'll meet halfway.
it's not how long u spend time,
but how u spent time when ur together...
make every moment counts...
life is short anyway...
treasure the love u have.
best wishes...

Answer 10

I don't mean to be rude but men don't like a nagging partner. And neither does a women for that matter. If the two of you can't get along after all this long. I would say its time to move on.