I'm writing an epic(u know like The Iliad or Beowulf). What do u think of this stanza?

Question

A time comes when the last shaft
of sunlight leaks through feathery
puffs of pink smoke, and the sparrows
commence their eerie Sirenian verse.
Such was the time he would appear,
rabid in hunger and terror and pleasure,
and able to ration nonetheless. He would
approach under the cloak of moonlight,
well versed in the intricacy of the webs of
darkness. And so he would begin the
brutal ceremony, his delight at its utmost
overflowing in horror and joy, and
amusement. The rain would come down,
heavy with pain, and drumming the earth
as did Diomedes' horses. This viscous
water had no match in blood, for either
by his kin was slaughtered, with little
care or bias or emotion, and every other
fleeting moment a soul would freeze,
and claw at life, and be washed away
with the glare of the reddened foils of
sorrow and bittersweet harmony.And
this was a mundane night in Elysium,
nothing ever as ironic, for the people
knew nothing of it, and thought nothing of it.

Continued..

For people were not these but carrion
animals of a sort, for on themselves did they prey, and flagrant, but discerned nothing of it

the only reason its like that is that i tried to make it look like a real epic, that breaks randomly. Ur supposed to read it continuously, considering only punctation to pause. Its the usual verse form used in The Iliad, and Beowulf and .... u know.

Its a part of a much larger whole so it might not make much sense by itself

The diction isnt ancient at all, just not how young immature writers write, which is uncommon. I'm guessing u have never read an epic before, or u would understand that th line breaks reall yare just to arrange the sentences and mean nothing else.

Answer 1

I greatly admire your wanting to tackle writing a modern epic poem. And you certainly have enough talent to do so.

However, when presenting something you've written to the public you might want to edit it as much as possible. And pay much closer attention to the adjectives you use. While much of what you've written here is first rate you can do better in the choice of a few of the words and phrases you've used.

Like 'last shaft of sunlight.' Shaft? Describing a ray of light filtering through smoke. You have the talent. You can come up with a better adjective.

'his delight at its upmost overflowing in horror and joy, and amusement...' Words like apex, summit, highest and greatest might work much better than upmost here.

And there should be no comma between the words joy and amusement. How it should read, as a compound sentence, is 'horror, joy and amusement.' Sometimes exact grammar throws rhyme and meter off kilter and using your poetic license is acceptable. With this being the case, it should read 'horror and joy and amusement.'

Edit what you write and consider better adjectives and you'll have yourself a modern masterpiece of sorts.

Answer 2

Your line breaks are off. Remember that those classics were written in accentual syllabic verse and were most often end-stopped.

Upon first glance, you seem to have the diction down, but what is the purpose of writing in ancient diction...most people struggle as is with the classics. Why not tell a contemporary epic in contemporary language?

Other than an academic exercise in literary mimeography, I don't see the great impact of this poem.

Answer 3

Your breaks come at very odd places. It's as if the only poetic element you care about is line length.

The line breaks in Beowulf and the Iliad were most definitely not arbitrary.

I think you are the one who needs to reread the epics. You'll have quite a task trying to find a line that ends with the word "and".