My husband didn't actually cheat, but I feel like he did. How do i get over it?

Question

My husband told my friend on more then one occasion he wanted to have sex with her. After he continued to tell her that, she confided in me. I confronted him and he admitted it and apologized. Of course he blamed the liquor but I know better then that, liquor has never made me hit on his friends. I am having a very hard time forgetting this and moving on and forgiving him. I do beleive he is sorry but again, I'm not an idiot, he got caught, had she not been the good friend she is, who knows where it may have led. This happened alomost a year ago and he has given me no reason not to trust him since then but I cannot let it go! I want to forgive and forget but I keep reliving it in my head and wondering "what if she said yes!" How can I get over this? Or since I can't seem to, is our relationship doomed? We have a 2 year old son, two stepsons (we've been together for 7 years, married for 3 of those). Any advice?

Answer 1

I don't blame you. He was trying, that's for sure. I don't know how you get over it, I guess because I would have left. I don't settle for less. I refuse to come in second. I don't know if you will ever get over it and trust him again. I guess the choice is yours...either get over it or leave him. Not many choices in this case.

Answer 2

Well, first of all....he DID cheat on you! Just because he didn't 'do the deed' doesn't mean that he wouldn't have.

If he has truly committed to loyalty and faithfulness to you and you have no reason to suspect otherwise, then he deserves the second chance you are giving him. However, you're not going to get past it unless you get some counseling. Both of you need to go, but you go first...without him. Tell him that you are going and why: to give him the chance that he deserves, and that you will invite him into the sessions as soon as you get yourself straightened out.

Be sure to find out from the counselor what limits you need to set in the meantime. If there is any backsliding on his part, what do you do? The counselor can help you with that and how to determine what might be your imagination and what might be real.

Good luck. Don't try to do this all by yourself. It's been a year now and you should have made some progress. Since you haven't, get the coaching that you need to do so.

Answer 3

Cheating is defined as anything you wouldn't do with your spouse standing right there. There are many different forms of cheating - physical, emotional, conversational (like online) and vocal (like what he did with her)
He did cheat on you - in a sense. You have every reason to still feel inky. Anyone would - it makes you nervous to know that the man you love is capable of trying to seduce someone else.
BUT on the same token, you did say it's been a year and he's given you no reason to distrust him since.
People do change - it happens all the time.
Time is the only thing that will restore your trust in him and your respect for him. How long? Well, that depends. It depends from person to person, relationship to realtionship, etc.
You'll know when you've gotten there. One day, the only time it will enter you mind, is when you're arguing and you're looking for some firepower... just dismiss it (don't use it - that will only start things all over)
But once it's to this point, when that's the only time you think about it, you've moved on.
I know it bothered you. I know it hurt you. But you decided to give him another shot and he's been proving himself so let time take the wheel and see where it steers.
Good luck.

Answer 4

I know a lady who told me that her husband never cheated in over 30 years of marriage. She said that she never had any concerns about him at all. And .. this lady would have been radar, She said suddenly, she got a huge feeling in her gut that was telling her something about her husband. She said the feeling almost seemed to talk to her. And .. she had NO reason to experience this feeling .. and she had NEVER experienced the feeling before. There were NO signs that he was doing anything. But that incredible .. undeniable .. feeling was there for months. Eventaully - one day she received an email from a secretary who the wife did not know - who told her how great her husband was. The emails did not stop there .. they continued .. and the things said about her husband continued .. such as how sweet he was, how he helped her, how he was her favorite, etc. The wife confronted her husband with this. He said he did not know WHY this secretary was doing this. He swore that he did not do anything to ag this on. He was stunned .. and probably scared. It became evident that the secretary had a thing for her husband. SO .. this lady's gut feeling was "right-on". The gut feeling finally left her .. but it left her when the husband would not even speak to the secretary any more .. and the secretary quit and moved on. So did the gut feeling quit and move on.

Answer 5

You have been betrayed twice, by your husband and your so-called "friend" who gave you this hurtful information. Do not delude yourself into thinking she is a "good friend." She is a shrew, and what she did was equally cruel as your husband soliciting sex from her. She is equally guilty.

I am not trying to blame the victim here, but you must ask yourself what it is about your demeanor or mannerisms that lets your spouse and "friend" believe they can treat you this way. You must change your posture, so to speak, and become much stronger.

Begin by telling your husband, calmly and forthrightly, that you still feel hurt and betrayed about the incident, and that you expect him to demonstrate to you that he loves and cherishes you, and that he is worthy of your trust.

Next, sever the relationship with your so-called friend. The fact that your husband asked her "on more than one occasion" means that she is an accomplice to the crime. The first time it happened she should have given him a death ray look and said in a very cold voice: "don't ever speak to me like that again." The fact that she didn't do that, and it continued to happen, means that she played along with your spouse and was probably secretly flattered and perhaps enjoyed the position of power it put her in. Tell her that you have gained new insight into what went on, and you do not wish to continue the friendship. It will be hard, but you have to do it.

If your husband doesn't demonstrate to you that he is trustworthy, and that he is going to keep the vows you made when you are married well, then, your decision is whether you want to live like that or move on.

Good luck, and God bless.

Answer 6

The affair may have been stopped because your friend was a true friend and refused to play along with his emotional deciet attempt , but the simple fact is had she agreed to the flirtations and then the affair he is just as guilty of cheating even though only emotionally as he would have been physically if she had agreed.

The fact it's been a year since you discovered his attempt at this betrayel and your still incapable of dealing with it I would think you have put all your efforts into the marriage but your heart just cant forget what he is capable of.

The simple fact is when a man cheats it destroys you , emotionally , physically , your left questioning what your missing that they felt they needed from this other woman and you can not get back the trust they stole by their betrayel no matter how hard you try , if you work hard and show them how much you love them it is still no gaurantee that they wont cheat if given a chance with it by someone with lower standards then you yourself hold.

Answer 7

What he did here gave you every indication that he would cheat on you. He disrespected both you and your friend and humiliated you through her. You were probably proud of your husband and trusted him before this happened? Now you are ashamed of him not only in front of your friend but it probably affected some self esteem in you? You had faith to believe that he was truly committed to you and now you see his character differently. It would not make me feel very secure with him after he acted out like that and it is a good thing that you do have a true good friend here! At least you know you can count on her to look out for your best interest in life when your husband can't or won't. Your husband hurt you very deeply and when he made that choice to step over the line its not how he wasn't looking at you and how this would make you feel it has everything to do with how you see him now.Your husband justifying his behavior due to drinking would give you every right to never allow him to drink again as long as you are in his life. He would also owe my friend an apology and if he ever thought to cheat on me again he needs to understand that we are over. I would get some marriage counseling over this so that he realizes how much this has affected you with him. This would be very hard on me emotionally to deal with as I am sure it is for you. You can only hope he helps you work through it so that you know he is remorsefull and sorry for what this did to you.

Answer 8

If I were you it would be doomed. He actually had the nerve to tell her that. He probably just does it now with people that will not tell you. Most of your friends would not have told you. The one that did is a good friend. Most people don't believe it when they are told so then most people don't tell them. I would not get over it and I would just think that he got better at hiding it since he almost got caught. And yes I believe that if your friend was willing he would have done it. Have you thanked her for telling you and told her what a good friend she is? I would do that. It took a lot of guts to tell you. It also took a lot of guts for you to believe her. Good luck.

Answer 9

He needs to convince you more. You are not convinced because of your better judgment. There will always be liquor around, so he could always do it again. It sounds like he's not sorry enough, or not good with words.
You should see a counselor to resolve this to your satisfaction. I don't blame you for not believing him, but for you to stay married, he has to show you more love, and care if you are still concerned over this. It's not you, he was a jerk.

Answer 10

To be honest, It happens more often than we think. A lot of men do this. Weather they vocalize it or not, at some point or another they are going to find other girls attractive.

You were lucky to have a friend whom was honest and told you right away when it happened. But I think some of your trust issues are with her. If you are still worried about weather she would have said yes.. or what if he is still asking her and she is just not telling me. I think you need to talk to her about this, if there are still some things bothering you..

..Bottom line.. You need to either get over this or just have faith that neither of them would go through with it, your husband just likes to talk trash when he is drunk..... OR......If you truly think that your friend MAYBE would have said yes, (maybe not that time but, maybe another) then you need to leave. You can’t have a relationship without trust. Plus, you need to trust your gut, chances are it is right.

...Whatever the outcome is, you need to be happy. For yourself. I understand ya'll have children together, but if this is something that you truly cannot get over and it is affecting your daily life, then you need to think about what type of strain your children are seeing.. Not so good..

... Good Luck.... It is a hard situation.. I understand, my husband LEFT me for my best friend.. I know what you’re going through.. I just dident see it because I dident listen to my gut! .....It is never wrong..

Answer 11

He confessed and apologized. What he did was wrong, no doubt about it, but he faced the problem, he never denied it. If you decided to forgive him, then do so once and for all. The what ifs are just going to drive you crazy. If you think you can't let it go, then don't be with him, because this anger will build up inside you until it explodes. During that time, neither you or him will be happy.