Considering divorce but....?

Question

Its a hard decision because we have 2 young children, boys, 2 and 5, also because my husband has never done those things that alot of women complain about, he never cheated for the 9 yrs we've been together, he doesn't drink, take drugs, he hang out all night, he basically keeps to himself. No problems with inlaws, they live in another country. My husband
generally is very affectionate with the boys and takes care of them well when I work(parttime). He's a hardworker. Athough he doesn't usually volunteer to it, he helps out with house chores. However we fight like cats and dogs & can't seem to get along. We seem to be fighting 90% of the time. We've said alot of hurtful things to each other & are just not happy. He doesn't want to admit or accept that we should divorce. He's in denial. I just feel as if he never really loved me or else he would never have caused all the problems that he always has caused. We tried couselling but never stuck with it, I don't know if its worth it.

rascal....I don't feel there's anyone to blame I think maybe there's some people who are just not compatible, I
guess.

laffy.....I'm not sure if anyone of us love each other or ever did. All the fighting has just left me emotionally drained and exhausted.

startpla...I thought of trial separation also, sounds like a good idea....We both communicate with our 5 yr old that we love him and our fighting is not his fault....and our 22 month old we give alot of affection to..but I hate them to see and hear all this fighting.

Answer 1

If you couples really struggled you should divorce, but not shouldn't. For the problem ask the lawyer to figure it out.

Answer 2

If you tried counseling together and it didn't get better,, try counseling alone. You mention how good he is but then you mention all the problems he has caused to make you wonder if he ever loved you so perhaps you need to raise your confidence and self esteem. It may be also that he loves you and you him but because of all the fighting neither of you are ready to work on that for fear of giving the other ammunition to hurt each other.
It may help to pick a time when you are not fighting and talk using such phrases as "you drive me crazy when you---" and "I love it when you---" taking turns to answer those questions to each other with a rule that you can only make the statement at the time but not argue about them until you have time to think about the answers the other person gives.
From what I see you say here, I think it can be worth it if you can find a way to stop the arguments, but if not the divorce may be the only answer but I would try every possible way to figure out why the arguing occurs and stop that instead.

Answer 3

Divorce will make things worse! If it is at all possible you need to sit down and talk with each other about what you saw in each other when you first met. That should be a calming moment for both of you. then just talk about the things that drew you to each other and ask the question that then counts most, "can we get that magic back " and what will it take? It sounds like you have a good man and good men are hard to find! I'm on my 3rd marriage and I can tell you from experience, that if you're with the father of your children it's worth a walk through hell as long as it's not a physically abusive marriage, to save your marriage! Do it by talking to him and not about him to others as he should do likewise.
He's not in denial he just doesn't know what to do.... After all he is an extension of you and you of him which makes you one together. That was the vow you both took and that was what it meant. There is a way but you both have to be honest with each other and work at it behind closed doors.
May God strengthen and bless both of you to work this through.

Your friend, Getbusy4u

Answer 4

I will have to agree that the problem may not lay with the other person. My wife and I never had a real understanding of what a clean house was. Our experiences were totally different growing up. Once we resolved that difference the fights started to diminish and all the good things we like about each other are more than compensating for what we don't like. If counseling isn't working try letting you other half find a counselor. Maybe he is feeling threatened by one you picked thinking that the both of you are ganging up on him.

Answer 5

I think that it is worth fixing if there are children involved. Let me ask you a question, have you explored all other solutions?

You said that you and your husband have been fighting 90% of the time, so I'm going to guess that talking hasn't been working. I strongly suggest seeking cousiling.. try to work through your problems.

You said your husband is a great guy and you doubt if he ever loved you. Do you truely believe that? Do you really think he would have married you, shared his life and everything with you if he didn't love you? I bet he does love you (and you love him) but you've just gotten so caught up in the fighting.

Good luck to you in the future-and like I said, I suggest seek out all other options before divorce. And if it does lead to divorce, remember to stay civil with your husband. Having my parents divorced and seeing my parents fight all the time about everything was horrible. Try to keep in mind what is best for your kids- they don't have any choice in the situation they have been put into.

Answer 6

Let me say that I have been separated from my husband of many years for the past 18 months. Our relationship sounds alot like yours. My husband was and still is a hard working man, didn't do drugs, and didn't drink. He was great with our son. But we lacked basic communication skills in our marriage. We really had nothing in common so we fought about everything. We were really two different people going two different ways in life and we said alot of hateful things to one another. Once we separated it was very hard on the children and on me as well. Our children had really never known anything else but us so it took alot of adjusting and alot of tears. I can tell you that it is very hard on everyone but after 18 months we are all finally adjusting.
At first I was devastated and so were my children but in the long run it was a good decision for all of us .. Good Luck

Answer 7

so this terrifc man in every way has caused all the problems that you two have ever had? have you ever thought that maybe he does love you but for some reason you cant' feel it (b/c you never thought he did) and that there is something wrong with you? it sounds like you are pushing him away because there's something the matter with you. why don't you go to counseling by yourself and look at yourself rather than continuing to blame your husband. it takes two to tango, as the old saying goes, so if you can quit arguing with him , i'll bet he'll stop arguing with you. So....YOU be the first one to change for the better. just don't argu. period. go to a counselor yourself and figure out why you don't think he loves you. if he didn't love you he wouldnt be such a good guy.

Answer 8

All I have to say is fighting is NEVER good for the kids to see. I know you feel "obligated" because you invested into the marriage with children etc... but you have to realize that they will benefit from seeing their parents respect each other...if that means to not live together, then so be it..

Imagine your boys growing up and saying or doing things that your husband said and or did to you...to their future wives....and how your grandchildren would feel..

It's a cycle..that only changes when someone has the balls to break it...........

Good Luck

And go with your heart.....I did..and for the best.....

Divorced mother of 2 girls

Answer 9

This sounds a lot like the situation I was in. It's not worth it. It's hard and sad and everything else, but you must be happy. You'll be asking yourself the same thing in 5 years. It's a very painful thing and very hard to admit, but it sounds like it's 'over'. You and he both deserve to be happy. You really do. So many people stay in marriages like this because it's easy and it's really painful to split up. But, in the long run, it will be worth it and you will be able to meet that person that you are happy with...and he will to. Good luck to you both...you have my sympathies.

Answer 10

Trial separation looks like a good idea for you. Separate for a specified amount of time, arrange everything as if it was an actual divorce, it's best if it happens during a holiday. See what happens.
You might realize there is something still worth fighting for.
Or not.

Answer 11

you are not telling the full story
as if you talk up your husband so well
and then say you fight 90% of the time
either you have some serious flaws that are destroying the marriage and YOU are in denial and thus want divorce to make yourself feel better and lay the blame squarely on him
or ????