How does one cope once their spouse has had an affair?

Question

How do you get past the fact that they had sex . kissed, hugged and all that goes with sex , how do you move on and stay with that person?

Answer 1

Good question. When my ex had a very long affair and I found out, we decided to try for a year to go to counseling, work on our marriage, spend more quality couples time, you name it, we tried it. After a year, he left me for her and married her anyway. I remarried also. The divorce was the best gift he ever gave me.
I look back at that long exhausting year, all the blood, sweat, and tears shed to fix a marriage that was already broken beyond repair. I will never waste my life that way again. The pain when he finally did leave for good was so intense, I would lay on the floor and cry for hours on end. I lost my children, my home, and every single bit of my self-esteem, pride, and courage. It was like he had died. I would not go through that kind of pain again for a billion dollars.
So as much as I would like to advise you to "move on and stay with that person" as you put it, I cannot. If someone who claims to love you can hurt you as easily as tossing a coin, then there is a problem. And as long as you are still in the situation, you will still see it, hear it, smell it, taste it and feel it every day of your life. It is only when you remove yourself from the fire that the burns can finally heal.

Answer 2

Oh honey, if your heart is in this for the long haul, you've got a ways to go sweetie. These things take time, and by that....I mean months, sometimes years. It's easy to forgive someone if we are forgiving them to get something out of it. Like him staying in the relationship so you can keep your happy family. But forgiveness of the heart takes a bit longer. To speed things up, I'm going to give you some suggestions. (And yes, I too, was cheated on and survived) Stop trying to simply cope. Start processing it. Something terrible happened to you and it's changed your life, set the incident aside and start looking at your relationship and how it got to that point. There was a turning point when things started to go downhill. The communication broke down and the two of you started living like room-mates. You might not see it, simply looking back, you really have to analyze it all....there are no short cuts to this because this is what led to the affair. Once you have it, point it out to him. And then discuss it. Openly and honestly. Right now, he's the one who has to earn back everything he had...not the other way around. But if he's willing to do be an open book, then you are on the right track honey.

The fact of it all is that you can't change what happened. But in breaking it all down, you can take the steps to build a solid foundation to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

Affairs change people. I'm not glad that it happened it my life, but the experience made me a little more wiser to the ways of the world. Sure, I could be bitter. But if I let it harden my heart and spent all the time focusing on "poor me", I would not have taken the road I did to build a better marriage. It's been 18 1/2 years and after being told to dump him, that "once a cheater, always a cheater" DOES NOT apply to everyone.

Go work on your marriage honey and things will start falling into place.

I wish you well.

Answer 3

My wife had an ongoing affair with a so-called friend that I ultimately found out about. The affair had since ended but to say there was tension would be an understatement. All too often marriages break up without at least trying. Even though it was very difficult, we managed to work through it and mend the relationship. Today, we are very happy and more involved in eachother's lives than before. Given time, you'll know whether it will work, but I encourage you to give it an honest try. If it does not work, at least you can walk away knowing you gave it every chance. P.S. Anyone who thinks men cheat more than men are liars. It takes TWO.

Answer 4

You dont get past it , you say you can forgive and you say you can forget , but the truth of the fact is you dont , the pain like the death of a loved 1 may fade but the memory and visions inside your head wont.

My answer to my husband cheating was filing for legal seperation and asking my lawyer to go for my 50 % , I've already left 1 marriage where he got the house because my kid's deserved the inheritance when he dies and now he's wasted it on a drug skank , my 2nd husband wont get the chance to squander my son's inheritence on trash.

Answer 5

There is no way to every move on from this situation. It will always be in the back of your mind. It will surface more than you can imagine. Your self esteem will go right down the drain as well. Once a cheater always a cheater, well ONCE you forgive them they WILL do it again because you are giving them permission by forgiving them.

Answer 6

Visit marriagebuilders.com. It has alot of informative info.

It is really hard to get past it, to understand the reason behind it and to trust that it will never happen again. It takes open communication and learning to trust and open yourself up to love that person again.

Answer 7

it will be hard because it's always going to be in the back of your mind and you are going to have a hard time trusting him. but if he loves you and wants to stay with you, then you guys can work together to make it better. he should not do anything that you might not like or be suspisous of...that way you can slowly regain ur trust. then he should show how sorry he is and how much he loves you.

you can't move on without his help. he needs to help you...and you guys do it together. how about if you guys see a marriage counselor?

Answer 8

There is a simple solution to your problem, ask yourself is he worth it and if you can trust him with out hesitation. If you can it will work but if you can't pack the bags lock the door and move on life to short to sit and worry about trust issues...
Find someone new

Answer 9

"Begin with the end in mind,"is the habit of vision,of purpose,of mission.It is sense of what your life is about and how you want to live it.It includes principles and guidelines you want to live by.Think of head in the end how is it going to make you be as a women and indiviual do you want to humilate yourself and pride more than you have or forget the wrong and error and try fresh.Is your life but..you only really know.

Been there done that

lalocadulce

Answer 10

nicely i'm particular you have heard the previous word, "as quickly as a cheater, constantly a cheater" and that i don't think that's real, as a results of fact I cheated on my ex boyfriends, and under no circumstances have cheated on my husband. He is conscious approximately that besides... Now karma is a witch, ha ha my husband cheated on me.. So how do I cope, nicely, I suggested it exstensivley with my husband, and asked very peticular questions that i wanted responded so i could desire to comprehend why or what got here approximately. He certain me it wasn't something I had carried out, or that I wasn't tremendously sufficient to him. He observed the harm and soreness I had to artwork by, and that i study alot regarding the concern and located that many of the time it does not have something to do with us the better halves or girlfriends. that's in basic terms that as quickly as females love somebody they decide to be intimate with their significant different in all techniques, adult males do not could like to be intimate with yet somebody else. that's in basic terms actual and not emotional in any respect... not that justifies the act of cheating, in spite of the shown fact that once I found out that area of it, i found out that it truly did not have something to do with my self well worth... So I made it undeniable and clean that I won't tolerate him cheating returned, EVER yet for this one time, I value my kinfolk, babies and nonetheless enjoyed and love my husband extra advantageous than it became well worth destroying each thing for a temporary lapse of reason on his area... I did permit him know that if it did take place returned the babies and that i are out of right here and not looking returned, and he will sit down with the babies and myself and clarify the reality as to why we will not stay married. I additionally advised him if there is something he feels he's lacking in our intimate branch permit me know, as a results of fact i will shelter it for him. It did take sometime, and that i've got confidence him for the main area now, i don't permit it consume at me night and day anymore, there are circumstances that circumstances arise that make me bypass hmmmmmmmm yet no oftentimes and that i confer with him approximately it so i don't save it deep interior and brew resentment over something that did not warrant it... additionally on a distinctive internet site i found a talk board in basic terms for this occasion and got here approximately to run for the time of a woman it relatively is a therapist besides as her husband, so as that they gave me insite that helped too.. sturdy success