Dealing with my partner's nightmare ex?

Question

We live together, and there's a good chance we'll get married. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this woman, who will be around for quite awhile since they have a child.

The expectations she has are just too much. Right now she's enraged that I'm getting his domestic partner health benefits. She wants it, even though that wouldn't even be legal. She expects him to share his child care benefits so she can have day care during her week, even though she doesn't work. She wants us to fire our nanny and pay her to watch her own son when my bf is working and daycare isn't open. She doesn't work. Has a trust fund, but it runs out in 9 months and I'm worried her demands will get even worse then. She is bi-polar and claims she is incapable of keeping a job, but she usually quits herself when she does get one. She's started sending him nasty text messages about me, and he's getting really stressed out. Anyone have any ideas on how to deal with a person like this?

Answer 1

Wow, I feel bad for you. I am pretty much in the same boat.
What I have been doing that's been working for me... through all the threats and comments, is, by limiting all contact that my Fiances ex has with us, to text or e-mail. My Fiance was stressed, because his ex would call him, just to vent and talk about daily stuff he really didn't care about. That was when we first got together. I had him stop all that nonsense because they were acting like they were still married yet 4 years into the divorce. As soon as that happened and he listened to me, she got angry and started sending him texts about how I am interfering with their relationship and how bad it is for their son. The relationship? C'mon. She started threatning court, which she knew she wouldn't win and we just kinda ignored it and got to the point to telling her... fine, take us. Well she went to a lawyer and they told her basically it would get no where. Which is what will happen with his ex if she tries to pull any of that. IGNORE HER. Seriously, it will make her mad but stress you less and less. At first it will be tough. Take it step by step. First, make an e-mail that is joined for you and your boyfriend. Have your boyfriend tell his ex that if she wants to talk to him, to only talk about their kid and nothing else. That is the only reason why she is still there, otherwise, she'd be gone. Now, if they talk on the phone. Limit it to the e-mail, and or text. Save all of the e-mails, save all of the texts. Because, if she keeps on sending rude texts/e-mails, then you can have that against her at anytime. She needs to know that you two are in things together and that she isn't going to get in the way. Don't worry because, it won't get much worse then it already is. If so, by any chance, like other people said above, put a restraining order on her. Above all, don't give her the satisfaction of letting her get to you. The thing she craves the most, is attention. Don't give it to her. Good Luck!!!

Answer 2

WHo told her that your getting the health benefits? I'm sure that she does want them. If she isnt working what does she need child care for. YOU owe her nothing... not even to listen to her. All your partner owes her is what the courts have told him to pay. I think you need a very good attorney and let her make her demands thru him. Show him the text messages he can get her to stop making them. and also tell her that if she doesnt stop your partner will get custody of the child and he will owe her nothing. I think you and he both need to stop having so much to do with her after you ignore her for a while maybe she will see that her attemps are getting her no where and will stop... In my opinion she is crazy asking you to pay her for taking care of her own son... What kind of Mother would ask something like that! She doesnt have the right to be making any demands on you or your partner they are divorced! Also who ever is telling her your business needs to stop, thats just adding more fuel to her fire.

Answer 3

People do what they think they can get away with, particularly women. As long as she is allowed to use the child as an excuse to exercise control, she will. It is your boyfriend's job to make the boundaries VERY clear with no exceptions. It's not your job or responsibility, you weren't there when they were together and the baby was made. He came into the relationship with the baggage and you're doing your part by accepting and understanding the situation, as long as he protects you against unnecessary stress. Nasty text messages, interfering with your relationship, furture finanical stress are things that you should not have to worry and stress about.

Answer 4

You just smile and nod while she is talking and then laugh about it later. Just be really nice to her even though you probably want to kick the crap out of her. Don't give her anything she wants that is out of reason. Just always pretend you like her a lot when you are in the room with her, it is easier that way.

If you think she is going to become incapable of taking care of her children then call someone about it. You and your boyfriend should not have to pay for her and her children when she isn't doing anything to help herself.

Answer 5

dealing with the nightmare ex is simple you don't!
You don't respond to her threats
you don't respond to her texts
you don't let her run your life by telling you what to do
You don't put her down or say things bad about her in front of her child
and finally
you don't worry about her finances
what you do is:
Do care about the child and speak to the mother only when it has to do with the child's needs
Do what is court ordered as far as child support , visitation etc... and yes that does include you if you are going to get married unfortunately
Do be respectful when you see her in public even if she isn't
When speaking to the child always be respectful when talking about mom things have a way of getting repeated.

Answer 6

You are going to have a life time of trouble unless you both move out of the state. One man that we know had to move from Calif. to Texas to get away from this type of situation. If you decide to leave your bf, he needs to move on his own or he will never have peace. He will be just one of thousands upon thousands of dads that have to leave their children. It is sad and hurtful, but this is the way the USA has become. Wherever he goes, he needs to send support money to the child until he/she is 18 years old (by law). Tell your bf to see a lawyer right now. Do your best to stay out of it. If you go along with your bf, do not say a word. Be very quiet. This is something your bf and his ex have to work out and now.

Answer 7

This might not be too related, but i need to vent... sorry :P

I am in a somewhat similar situation. But my boyfriend has 3 children with this psycho (and a girl that he helped her raise). She gave us (or gave her son) her dog, basically because she cannot have it at the public housing appartment she rents. Then 3 days later she called saying she missed the dog and wanted it back. (Her oldest son however, has been living with us for about a year now, and she has not even called once to find out if he is alive, but the dog, she misses dearly). After my boyfriend refused to give back the dog; Because you see, its a game, she wants to have him do this.. then do that...then this again.. anyway ..when she couldnt get the dog, she wanted my boyfriend to buy birds "for the kids". After i told him that he was not going to get anything, he said "i have to abide by my words" At the pet shop she wanted to get the most expensive cage there was of course, and i was not surprised . My boyfriend said no, and ended up buying a rabit "for the kids" and arguing his way out of the pet shop because she was being her annoying self. Of course I had already warned him this would happen since we first got the damm dog. I had called my boyfriend that day when they were at the petshop with all the kids, and she started talking about me, i made the mistake of engaging and screaming on the phone back at her to shut up. That day i told my boyfriend that he needed to make an arrangements to pick up the kids and drop them off at a neutral place, not her home, or we would have serious issues. He said that he was not goin to pick up the kids until she calmed down and he had someone to pick them up for him. It has been two weeks. The last thing she did was show up to our brand new house, Today, unwanted, unannounced, uninvited, and told her son that she wanted to speak to me. I did not go outside but made a point to passing by the open front door so that she could see me. (if she wanted to talk why didn't she call me then) Needless to say, the lady wants to "BEAT ME UP" as are her words according to her son. Tonight many toughts went trough my mind, things that i wanted to do... if i could turn back time.. but then i think.. wow.. it must suck that in a year she has had 3 no good "boyfriends", that dont have jobs or any means of transportation.. to only work part time so that she would not lose her welfare benefits....to have four kids at your house at all times (with all the cooking, cleaning and noiciness that is involved)... She is in the same spot or worse that when they got separated...it must suck to see her boyfriend moving on with a good (younger, hardworking woman, and not on welfare like her)...... it must suck to see her ex already brought a house with me.. and that we have kept our good jobs and are happy toggether... she has many more reasons to feel worst than me.....and must be dying of envy.. with so much curiosity to see our house that she could not wait for an invitation,,, she had to come and see for herself how good we are doing.....

Answer 8

The more you fuel the fire the higher it will get. The only way to deal with such is ignore them 99% of the time. Only answer to them if you have to assert your rights on a issue. Your man should be the one dealing with her and if she continues to harrass you then file a case in the courts.

Answer 9

I hate to say this but things are probably going to get worse before they get better .

You need to nip it in the bud , hire a lawyer to set up all communication between them , let her know that disparaging remarks about you will not be tolerated , you will not be firing your nanny to give her more money than she is entitled .

Keep all communications between the 2 parties as evidence of her instability , and then go for full custody .

Answer 10

yeah, save the text messages, document all of their arguments and her demands (as they appear unreasonable) and take her to court to get full custody of the child. that will solve all your problems. what court is going to let a bi-polar (without proper meds) unemployed harassing woman keep a kid? none that i can think of. that way, if he gets full custody, with her having visitation rights, he won't have to pay her anything.