sands of time
Deep within my broken heart,
Strangled by my own cold hand
Agony takes its final stand
Licking on my leftover tears
False idols, pagan rites and a crown of thorns
Aborted and forever still, I was never born.
Silent choirs spreading lies
In the mist of muted sighs
A thousand cry in agony
Will I be cleansed if I die?
The sands of time will never run
Just one thing left to be done
Take my soul into the dark
Reality is just my dream
Secrets echo beyond these walls
With these tears in my eyes, I can only scream.
2007-10-12 10:56:36 · 34 answers · asked by The Dark Prince 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
This is very good. Are you aware that your writing has taken a big leap?
2007-10-12 16:20:10 · answer #1 · answered by Marguerite 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very vivid imagery, but I am not a fan of the structure. If you're going to rhyme, establish a pattern and stick with it.
Having line 1 and 2 rhyme, then having 2 and 4, and then 2 and 3... that sort of thing is all over the place and kind of unpleasant.
You might be better off doing something like this without trying to rhyme, and simply focusing on the rhythm.
You have very good potential for writing poetry however. I have read much worse.
2007-10-12 11:05:55 · answer #2 · answered by mattyb781 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
'Reality is just my dream' - I loved that. 'Sand of time' however is often much too often used, i.e. it's an over-used expression, sort of a cliche. But the poem as a whole sounds good.
I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to comment on your poems yesterday, but in the morning I was still told I had reached my limit of answers for the respective day, and later in the afternoon when I came back home from school I found your questions resolved. I could just star yesterday's poems.
2007-10-12 21:18:49 · answer #3 · answered by Analyst 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I liked what you had to say, but if you bought the bus, you'd better sell it. That was not quite up to your standard, although it's not what I call a 'burner' :) Yeah, I've done more than my share of those too. Slow down a little, I think you might have rushed through the writing of this one. Or maybe you didn't write it on the bus, in which case, maybe you should go ahead and buy the bus.
2007-10-12 14:51:32 · answer #4 · answered by Dondi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow! That's very heavy. Parts of it are deep and quite good. I like the symbolism in the "I was never born" line. But parts of it don't make much sense, like how could a silent choir spread lies if they are silent? That's just one girls opinion tho, and I don't profess to be a poet. (PS I hope this is just prose, and not how you really feel! - If not please get help)
2007-10-12 11:09:56 · answer #5 · answered by saturdays child 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay. It's time for something drastically different because this feels like you aren't really putting too much into it. Why don't you write a story-poem about vampire lovers? Or something else, but something tells me the vampire thing is a good challenge for you...
2007-10-12 15:15:54 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a very interesting poem, I like the rhyme in it, is different. "Reality is just my dream" deep and strong. The best poem.
Love you
Mrs. Enrici
2007-10-12 11:04:23 · answer #7 · answered by . 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have been Blessed with an exceptional talent. Excellent writing and form. I do wonder, however, about your emotional state. I pray this isn't coming from your spirit/soul.
2007-10-12 11:03:22 · answer #8 · answered by Alice S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It was very depressing (something I think most poets - especially those from Ireland - take as a compliment).
You should probably cheer up a little bit though.
2007-10-12 11:01:29 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Definitely one of your better poems, in my opinion.
How are you? You sounded so happy and at peace a week or so ago, but now you sound sad again...
Take heart and trust God. He wants to take care of you.
2007-10-12 13:49:21 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋