hi im 13 n i have 2 fill out a high school application. for part of it, i have to make an essay on why we want to go there.
this is my beginning. is it good, and how would you redo it if it is bad? i showed my dad..and he thinks its not that good lol.
can someone write ideas or tell me how i can redo sentences and what more can i add?
THANKS!
Everyone has a dream. A dream to own a successful, prosperous identity in life. For most of us, the red-signal starts there, and our journey halts - shattering our ambitions to pieces. Being pensive is not what can bring us close to our goal, it’s the hard work we do, and the perseverance we bring out. The backbone of our achievements is knowledge, and to what extent we can use it. I am very confident that Wilmington Charter this school a field of intelligence, and improve my abilities in an effective, progressive manner.
2007-10-12 10:41:03 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Education & Reference ➔ Teaching
you are trying to sound more informed than you are. you need to simplify what you are saying, not tryto be so high-fallutin' because you make mistakes...
fore example do you really mean that you will 'bring out' perseverence? out of your self? or do you mean demonstrate? use only words you really know. I don't even understand the second sentence. It looks like you used a thesaurus too liberally, but you're really trying hard.
2007-10-12 10:45:58 · answer #1 · answered by Sufi 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is this how you would actually talk to someone? You're trying to be too elaborate in your choice of words. I don't understand where the red signal is starting. The very worst sentence is your last one. It is way too long and isn't grammatically correct. Nice try and you've got to start somewhere, now do some editing and make it flow better so that the reader can understand the thoughts you are trying to convey and do it in a simple way.
2007-10-12 17:57:08 · answer #2 · answered by Goldenrain 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to be more down to earth and realistic.
Describe your mainstream school experiences, your life and the real reasons you want to attend the school.
I also do not understand "the red signal", where that comes from or even really what it is.
The people reading it want to be able to get a little
window into who you are and why they should help you
and not someone else.
2007-10-12 21:19:57 · answer #3 · answered by tamez 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
one time i had to write a paper and the teacher told me to rewrite it i was like hell no ill just make a copy
2007-10-12 17:44:17 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
IT GOOD SO FAR YOU NEED TO ADD MORE BUT I DONT NO WHAT TO ADD
2007-10-12 17:45:15 · answer #5 · answered by lola*10 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋