Would you, and if so, how long would you stay in a marriage that?

Question

is not sexually satisfying?

Mrs. Carrie Green: there are instances where sex is great pre-marriage but things change after marriage.

Thanks but I'm not married. But if I was in that situation, I would either have an agreement of an "open" marriage or I would have walked away. Sex is not everything, but it's a big part of a satisfying relationship. It's not about having an orgasm but the bonding/intimacy that also satisfies the emotional part of the marriage. I can be lonely by myself, can't be lonely in a marriage.

Answer 1

You know what I think about the institution of marriage, so will answer this hypothetically, if you don't mind. :-)

If we have an open marriage and I love him/her very much, then probably not because I'd be sexually gratified anyways and wouldn't have to leave the person I love, but honestly, I prefer sex with my partner anytime and day before having it with others.

But if we decided to remain exclusive and I'm not sexually satisfied, then I don't think that relationship would last long, as I am a sexual person, and it wouldn't be fair for me to not be sexually gratified at all (excluding masturbation), nor for him or her to have to deal with that issue, producing unhappiness for the both of us.
That is, of course, considering that we wouldn't find ways to remedy that problem in the first place.

Answer 2

You're asking if "I' would. Yes, I would because this is the man of my soul, this is the man who would die for me, this is the man who is my best friend.

I married a man 10 years my senior knowing it was possible that his performance may wane before my desire does. But while sex is great...if it dried up tomorrow and went away, I'd still have my guy.

Was it ever sexually satisfying? When everything else goes "south," the sex does too. If you're in an unsatisfying marriage, it probably isn't just the sex. Look at the other aspects, work on them, and don't be surprized if the sex gets better, too.

Answer 3

Well, my partner and I aren't big on fidelity. And this is just one good example of why. I was reading a book a little while back o the subject of French culture, and it delved into one of the unspoken aspects, the french attitude towards infidelity in a marriage, and affairs. The writer was an American who lived in France for a couple decades, and spoke with her married french friends on the subject. Most new or suspected that their partner had had an affair or currently had a lover on the side, and many said they themselves had at some point. They didn't really see it as a big deal. As one woman said "everyone has their needs. it is very unusual for the sex life of a couple to remain at peak levels for nearly two decades. My husband and I are faithful to one another as spouses, as loving friends."

Of course, given that I do not live in a culture where this is often an unspoken understanding,I think it's best for my partner and I to have been open from the get-go regarding our feelings on fidelity and the like.
The point I'm trying to make is that I hope to avoid such a problem by not putting unrealistic demands on my own marriage. I just think it's unrealistic to expect one person to deliver it all, forever. I know people probably find that cynical, and it doesn't fit in with American's idea of a grand romance. But I'm quite happy with it, and with the divorce rate being what it is, maybe it is best to be a little more realistic.

Answer 4

Well, assuming that everything else is just dandy, it really depends on where 'we' are in our lives.

That said, as a very young man, I didn't realize that all but three or four partners I have ever had totally sucked in bed, and not in the good way. These days, from what I have heard from the single male and single female camps, about half of everyone really sucks in bed, and most partners don't think it's a big enough deal to even discuss, or, at least, they never get around to it.

Personally, it isn't that big of a deal to me. If I am in a marriage where the two of us are able to support each other's goals and life pursuits, and have a peaceful, happy home, that's good enough for me. You have to be realistic (well, you don't have to be, unless you would like to ultimately be happy) and realize that your partner cannot be every single thing for you, and it is unfair to project that responsibility on them.

It is more important that my partner shares my morals and values, and wants to team toward achievement in those areas. Sex will work itself out. Heck, I know it's a stereotype, but doesn't the sex always end up falling flat, anyway?

Passion is fleeting. It comes and goes. From everything I have ever heard, if you are together for ten years, two or three of them are bad, and that ratio seems to stay consistent when you look at longer relationships, thus that whole vow about good times and bad: yer gonna have em, and if you are wanting to be in a marriage, you must accept that. If you are going to bail when things are less than rosy, you have no business looking for a committed relationship, since you are not interested in being committed, yourself.

Relationships are give and take. If you aren't going to 'suck it up' when it's give time, then you are looking at marriage like some sort of super-recreation, and your potential mate deserves better than that.

And finally, good sex takes good communication and good teamwork. Lack of those things in the bedroom points to lack of those things in the relationship, or at least in one party, but usually in the dynamic between the couple.

Answer 5

It depends on what you call sexually satisfying. I have been married 7 years and our sex life is nowhere near what I want it to be. By most peoples standards it is still not very frequent. We are talking once a month, maybe twice if I am lucky. I am still with her and committed though, so we will see how long it lasts. I still say we can last forever, but I am persistent in asking for more in the bedroom.

Answer 6

Yes, I did for 17 years. I had previously been married with a very good sex life, and the closeness, love and bonding that comes FROM having a good sex life with a spouse, but that husband died in an accident about five years before I remarried this husband.

I didn't realise that some men just do not want to learn how to please their wives, and have no drive to do so.

The first year or so I didn't worry too much about it, I loved him and was kind of looking through rose colored glasses about the whole thing, thinking that the sexually satisfying part would kick in soon. It never did. He wasn't interested in learning anything. I tried talking, education, showing him, you name it, I tried it. Never nagging about it, never being bitchy, either. It's no good if you have to nag someone to do something they don't want to. It's not from the heart then, and that's not good.

I cried for a lot of nights, especially the first 7 or 8 years of it, because without that kind of bonding going on, there is really missing a HUGE bond between husband and wife that should be there. Having had that once with someone else, I knew that, and it was horrible having to go through NOT having it. It was a really bad thing to feel so alone WHILE married!

The reason I stayed was because I didn't really realise for the first several years that it was never going to happen, and by then it was too late, we had 2 young kids who knew their father, had developed a great relationship with him, and I just didn't feel like I had the right to rip that away from them. The kids were planned, they weren't accidents, and we both wanted them so much.

My husband is a great dad, he loves his kids with all his heart and would do anything for them, and they love him. He is a good person, kind hearted, doesn't anger easily, is intelligent, a good provider, and spends time with his kids after work and on the weekends they always go and do stuff together.

Eventually my husband and I just ended up living in the same house together with no sex at all, more like brother and sister or friends, than husband and wife. We pulled together to keep a stable roof over the kids' heads, take care of whatever we need to, we never hardly argued.

I cheated ONE time, about 7 years into the marriage, but I stopped it after that one time because I knew that if I fell in love with someone else, I would break up my kids' home and I didn't feel like I had the RIGHT to do that to them.

So for 17 years I've sat with a "brother" for a husband, learned to not think about sex or bonding with him that way, learned NOT to resent him for it or I would have been much more miserable than I was.

I just planned for the day when I could leave and find someone who really DID want to love me the way a wife needs to be loved.

That day is almost here. The kids are 16 and 15 now, and when they are out on their own to college or work, I am gone.

I know this is very rare these days for parents to stay together, and in the case of abusiveness or any dysfunction that's going to mean the kids don't have a stable happy home and are well provided for, I'd say go.

But if ALL ELSE is well EXCEPT the sexual satisfaction part, then I'd say to put the kids first, they didn't ask to come into this world, and parents have an obligation to give them the best homelife possible.

If there are no kids though, get the hell out of there. An entire two decades of my life has been wasted in so many ways that are deeply personal, and it's worn me down inside tremendously. But damn, I've got some great kids who are turning out wonderfully, thank god.

I'm looking forward to a new life in a couple of years, and have already made some great plans for what I'm going to do. I've started on some of them already, going back to school to get my degree, things like that.

I don't know if many women could, or would, do what I decided to do. For my kids, it was the best thing to do. They never knew anything but a family that was affectionate and kind, loving, and provided a safe, stable home for them.

My husband and I really have become best friends over the years, which a lot of marriages should have at their core anyway, but don't.

However, it still isn't a marriage like it should be, without that special bonding that comes from sex between two people who are in love with each other. And that's what I've missed for so long, and will have again, when I am finally free.

Answer 7

I would not get into a marriage for sex or a lack of it.
Marriage is more then just great sex.
It helps a lot but not the only reason.
Sex is so over rated as is why complicate it with marriage?
Good luck Lioness.
Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
From a fan CW

Answer 8

Another great question from you. You managed to hit on quite a few problems here. There are a couple of reasons for sexual dissatisfaction: emotional distance between the partners and absence of the sexual chemistry... Emotional distance between spouses is a much more serious problem, because it is not easily remedied: people need to learn to communicate with each other, they need to learn to care... Sometimes, that is impossible to overcome... I would not stay in this situation for a moment. Sexual dissatisfaction sometimes is based on emotional distance, but it also be a result of inexperience of the spouse or both of them... There is also apathy of a comfortable relationship, when spouses are lazy to do anything to liven thing up again... All that could be dealt with by one of them taking the initiative in their own hands and opening new sexual horizons for their marriage... Internet offers many ideas for interested in exciting safety of their relationship... There are also people who settle for selfish lovers, and they stay in their relationships for ever, because it makes sense to them... I could never walk in their shoes though...

Answer 9

Sexual satisfaction can be improved by doing certain things. Even if the sex isn't great, it can be improved to be great. If I married a woman and was not sexually satisfied, I'd work to improve the sex between us, not just leave her.

Answer 10

There is probably a reason why one wouldn't be sexually active with their partner. If you are able to fix the problems, then the couples would prob find sex enjoyable again.
I prefer my marriage with a nice amount of sex and I know my husband does!