My ex & I had been 2gether 7 yrs. & 2 kids besides my oldest daughter who is not his but who he raised since 2 yrs. old. He pretty much don't have anything to do w/ her since our split, I can't tell you how many times I heard "she's not my kid, I told her she could call me if she wants to visit", well now she hates him & doesn't want me back w/ him. Everyone I know hates him & wonders why I seem to always fall into his traps. I still luv him so much but he's an awful person. He won't even help me support his 2 kids, he only pays 250 a month daycare becuz he says he can't afford anymore. I look at him & know he's not what I want, we are on different paths, completely different ppl & mind sets. Honestly how do I really kick him to the curb?? I can name off a million irrogant, selfish, mean things about him but why can't I stop luving him. somone has come into my life willing to marry me 2morrow if I let him, he's a great guy & is great to my kids. He really would be a great husband
2007-10-12 07:56:17 · 16 answers · asked by justbeingme_ 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
the kind that other women would envy. He's genuine when he says he would take all the burdens off my shoulders and make me happy, IF i could just give in and let him. Everyone says I'm dumb to let him go. He's everything my ex isn't and could never be....so why can't I just let go of my ex?? I can't even understand it myself maybe you all can help me.
2007-10-12 07:57:51 · update #1
i dont why you love him, but probally because he doesnt suck 100% of time; maybe just 98% of the time.
i would not date someone that says mean things to my children; if you do take him back, then you are showing your children that you value his love over their love--is that the message you want to send
you are also saying that you will tolerate his behaviors, if you take him back.
love yourself enough to let someone love your properly.
he is who is he, and most likely, he will never be different. maybe you dont love him; maybe you just love the IDEA of him or love the him that you want him to be, not who he is.
you just need to move forward with your life and take care of your children.
sometime you can love someone, but know that you cant be with that person. loving someone and being someone's punching bag are two different things. you can love him, but let him go. he's not good for you. whenever there is a conflict with loving myself and loving someone else, i always chose me. you got to love yourself before you can love someone else. and when you love and value yourself, you know you're too good of a person to accept his behaviors.
good luck
ps. over time, you will get better. if you become depressed, i would seek professional help.
pps. i dont think you're ready to marry this new guy. give yourself time to heal before jumping into a serious relationship or marriage
ppps. dont let no man take care of you, you take care of yourself!!!
2007-10-12 09:17:59 · answer #1 · answered by happypants 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You give all the answers yourself, why won't you listen to yourself and your own advice. You really don't need anyone else's advice in this matter. Basically you just have to look inside yourself and see what really matters in all of this. One thing you do not say is how you feel about the new guy in your life. Ask yourself if you love him? If so jump in with both feet. If you honestly can't say that you do, then walk away from them both for a while. Take time to weed out your own thoughts and feelings, because you sound very confused.
While the kids are a concern and the ex sounds like a true
A S S that you can and should do without in your life or your kids lives. But even without either man in your life your kids would be better off.
You need to follow your self advice about the ex then decide how you feel about the new guy. Then go from there.
2007-10-12 08:25:12 · answer #2 · answered by Cliff R 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been where you are before and boy is it frustrating! You know that the relationship isn't right for you (and for your children), yet you can't seem to turn your back on it. No matter how many people tell you this guy is no good for you, you're not going to believe it until you see it for yourself. Start taking responsibility for your happiness and for your future and your children's future. Don't just marry this other guy because he'll make a good husband and everyone else likes him. If you don't see his greatness yourself and he doesn't make you forget about your ex, maybe he's not right for you either. It sounds like you need to take a little time away from all men for a while and focus on learning how to make yourself happy and give yourself and your kids a stable, loving and comfortable life. Once you feel good enough on your own, then you'll be ready to allow someone great into your life. Who knows, maybe this other guy will be willing to wait for you.
2007-10-12 08:06:55 · answer #3 · answered by crabbyone 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes us women love to hard and we don't realize that love is not suppose to hurt. When it begins to hurt then it is no longer love. In my opinion I think that you should let go!!! It seems like the bad in ur ex outways the good, so with knowing that better urself.
If u have another man and he's everything u desire in life then once you put that ex on the back burner ur life will be more wholesome(4 u and the kids). Give it a shot. When ur kids see you happy they(the oldest) would not have room in her heart for hatred of the step-dad from hell.
The first step is, to only speak to the ex concerning his two kids, nothing else. You mentioned that he only pays a certain amount for his kids, well let the court decide exactly what he should pay and believe it he will pay it or end up in debt for life. Stop worrying about his feelings and focus on you and ur feelings. THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT!!! YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN AND YALL FUTURE...
2007-10-12 08:23:57 · answer #4 · answered by msos4real 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's called CoDependency....go get some book on it "right now". I would recommend the book "women who love too much", trust me it will shock you and open a whole new world to you. Codependency is something we do unconsciously as a direct result of our childhood. The Ex brings drama, chaos, pain and heartache to your life yet you still "love" him and can't let him go. It's just like an addiciton, it isn't good for you and you know that but stopping seems impossible. The new guy is good and calm and doesn't bring pain and drama so we see him as "boring". This is totally normal for women who love to much and are codependent, the good news is YOU CAN FIX THIS!! Seriously don't blow this off, if you can take the time to just entertain one book it will help you so much. Millions of women suffer this (myself included) and once you can recognize it you can truly change your life.
Being in an unhealthy relationship and always taking care of the man is what we do. When we finally find one who doesn't require that we are bored. Looking inside yourself and learning about yourself and where these behaviors are rooted is the first step. I just started on my journey to recovery and I can promise you it has changed my life dramatically. I also have and ex that fits yours to a T and I am remarried (recenlty) and found myself in the same situation you are, I went to a counselor and she is helping me understand this and it's wonderful. I already feel like a whole new me!! Good luck, you can do it! As far as the men in your life....they can't wait focus on YOU for a change, be selfish and find happiness within yourself....the rest will come I promise. God Bless Sweeite!
2007-10-12 08:09:43 · answer #5 · answered by LilSunbeam 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You and your ex have a lot of history together and that is what is probably making it hard to let go. But since he isn't good for both you and your kids it is best for you to take time to move on. Be alone for a while to get over him. It isn't good to move on to the next thing. Stay friends with this new guy and let him know that you need to be completly over your ex to give him your all in a relationship. It will take some time but it will be worth it in the long run. Good luck.
2007-10-12 09:49:43 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The ex is familiar, and therefor you know what to or not to expect. Any other option now feels like an unknown to you and we fear the unknown. That may be part of it or the majority of it. I could see the problem if the ex had any redeemable qualities, but it doesn't sound like he has any. Instead of asking how do I let it go, I'd be trying to figure out why I've tolerated it so long, and learning to love myself enough to never tolerate a situation like that again.
2007-10-12 08:16:13 · answer #7 · answered by bonnieboobabe 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your ex needs to grow up. Your first daughter might not be his but, I bet she called him Dad at one point or another. I've been through a divorce myself so I know what's like to have problems with the kids involved. One son and 1 daughter. His actions just prove that he isn't the right one for you or the kids. When it comes to marrying another make sure that's what you want or you'll end up with the same problem double what it is now.
2007-10-12 08:14:30 · answer #8 · answered by Williamstown 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Calm down, buddy. I really don't think she will get THAT mad at you for lying about a background. Just apologize when you talk to her again and if she does get mad, it will probably be not for very long. Don't be so hard on yourself.
2016-04-08 05:33:53 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why do you want to be with him? Stop being afraid!
Anyone who would turn around now and say your daughter is not is kid after raising her? KICK HIM TO THE CURB!
2007-10-12 08:06:19 · answer #10 · answered by Monkey's uncle 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋