How do I get over my husband having a three year extramarital affair?

Answer 1

Unfortunately, there is no one particular remedy for heartache.
It's a bunch of little things...you have to move on and the thought of starting over is scary.

Surround yourself with good people, people out for your best interest (this means put the trash AKA your ex hubby OUT)

Find comfort in speaking to a therapist or a good trusted friend.

Write him a long letter thrashing his character...but never give it to him. Burn it.

Always remember the only person that can make you truly happy/content, is yourself. Don't expect others to treat you worthy if you think you might not be.

give yourself time to heal....crying is ok, but not on a consistant basis for over 2 - 3 months.

treat yourself out (shopping, manicures, hair dresser, massage)

go to a male review

Answer 2

Debb,
I hope your feeling better soon. Time as they say heals all wounds. While the wounds will never totally dissapear you will one day feel better. Sadly you will forever be scarred by your spouses infidelity.
What you have experienced is a soul (as well as heart) wretching experience. I know of which I speak.
While some people can and do resist the temptaion in life to cheat on a spouse or loved one...others do not.
I hate to say this but if you stay in a relationship witth this man you will most likely experience this again and again as most cheaters can and usually do go on to repeat this behavior again and again no matter how much it hurts their partner.
The only help I can offer is not going to be easy to accept but I offer it anyways and hope you find some value in what I say.

1) Learn fast that this was NOT your fault. Some will say (and he will no doubt be one of them) that this was your fault as well. Don't believe it! This was a choice made by him and him alone. If left to you it would NEVER have happened.
2) You will be forced to make a decision which by now you will have already made and that is to stay and try to make it work or tell him to GET OUT or leave yourself.
3) Counceling may help but not much. Councelors will only tell you what you already know. Decisions will still need to be made.
4) You ask, "How do I get over my husband having a three year extramarital affair?" Sadly, YOU DON'T. You NEVER get over the loss of a loved one and this is a loss that is almost as painfull. It is a loss of faith,commitment and a love you nurtured and cared for much more than he did. Loss is hard to deal with but you CAN live with it but it will be hard to do. Every day you will be haunted by his infidelity, what he did and said while with this Other woman, did he ever truly ever love you, will he do this again and if so...when?

These are some of the many questions you will be faced with. Many have no answers and those that do will have to come from him and then you will have to ask yourself..can I trust him to ever tell me the truth again?
5) The most importnant question you must ask is this. If you stay with this "PERSON" will you regret it later.

These as I say are only a few of the choices and questions you will have to face. I could help you more with a one on one Q&A session if you like but ultimately this is something you will have to deal with on your own. My advise is find a best friend and talk. Your cheating mate will not like this as it will be your support and not his.
Be prepared "YOU HAVE A LONG PAINFUL JOURNEY AHEAD. A JOURNEY WITHOUT END"

Good luck and if you or anyone wishes to have a friend and the support of someone who has been there feel free to drop me an e-mail at RDW1455@ yahoo.net

Answer 3

I can't even imagine the strength you must have to even consider staying with him - I truly admire you.
But at the same time we are talking about 3 years....this wasn't a momentary loss of judgment. This was a thought out decision that required an monumental amount of lies, sneakiness, and disregard to you. Are you really sure that this does not have the possibility to happen again. Can you really go forward without and not make yourself sick with the stress of wondering what he is or isn't doing?
I am not saying you should get a divorce but I really think you need to evaluate what the future could hold.
You will need to get into some serious marital counseling and personal as well. You are going to have extreme emotions to work through and you deserve to be able to do that alone.
If you decide to stay with him though you are going to have to put this away and can't hold it against him for the remaining years you are together or else it will eventually cause other issues.
I wish you the best and please make the choice that is right for you!

Answer 4

Wow three years, I not sure, doubt if you can, so you need to ask yourself if it would be better to pull the plug. You are the only one who really knows what to do. I can't speak for your situation. My wife had an affair a year ago that when she told me about it we ended up seperating. After a summer and me on the verge of filling for divorce, she had a change of heart and saw what she was doing to me and mostly are 4 teeanagers. when she came back we found out about two weeks later she was pregnant. Not mine cause I had a vast. I stuck it out because of my kids. fortunately she miss carried and that problem solved itself. The other day my oldest son 19 asked me why I stayed with her and I told him because I didn't want some asshole spending time with the children I love. I'd rather take her back and bare the pain then have a bunch of diffrent men entering in and out of their lives and screwing my kids up even more than what had already happened. I did marry for better or worse. She broke her vowels. I have not and will not. Once my kids are out of the house I'll reaccess my feelings and decide to stay or go. Meanwhile I'll live with my dicision and See where it all goes. My Kids are doing great now. Do I trust here. some. will it ever be the same as before, NEVER. Will are relationship be stronger,, doubt it... but some folks seem to think it will, don't think they have ever been through it though. If I had not had kids. I'd have been gone and happier. I would die to save my kid's so why wouldn't I be willing to give up only a few years of my life to make theirs better.

Answer 5

I would not ever be able to get over that. im sure you are a beautiful interesting intelligent woman and i hope you know you deserve better than this. no guy would carry on with a wife who had a three year extramarital affair unless he was an idiot!

So I say, leave him b/c this affair lasted THREE YEARS!! He lied to you for three years. thats three years of pure dishonesty and cheating. he obviously can handle a lot of that and seems used to it. (five minutes of dishonesty to my boyfriend kills me.)

theres a man out there for you who thinks youre beautiful and smart and funny and who wont cheat on you b/c youre so totally it for him. find him! life is too short to take crap from other people! a man who truly loved you would not have a three year affair, even a half decent guy would tell you, "this isnt working out for me anymore. I want a divorce." this guy cant even communicate with you! three years! damn!

i hope you do the right thing.

Answer 6

I dont think you should divorce so quickly it sounds like you still love him or you would have left already, everyone makes mistakes, you have to really evaluate your entire situation. Were you both happy, has something been missing? This might end up bringing you closer. YOu married him for better or worse. Most relationships are the same, the same things happen it will just be with someone else. You have time invested here, talk it through seek help, you never know something positive could turn out from this. Only time will tell.

Answer 7

You can't. Not by yourself anyway. You need counseling, both marital and for yourself. You need to learn how to truly forgive and move on with or without him, and the two of you need to work together trying to get things where they should be. If he isn't willing to go through this with you,then he hasn't changed and will do it again probably no matter what. This is a hard one...leave him. And still get yourself some counseling so that this experience doesn't keep damaging you and any future you could have with someone else.

Answer 8

Mona25's answer sounds very reasonable. Too bad most of the other answers are so emotionally charged, but very impractical and often prove to be illogical.

If he wants to stay married and wants to rebuild the marriage he may infact become a great husband, so what is the problem with keeping him.

You women who suggest divorce: Have any of you ever done something in your marriage that may have caused your husband to want to stray?

Wives that withhold sex from their husbands are just as guilty of breaking their wedding vows as men who stray.

My wife for example, but she thinks she is righteous. She likes the power of making me starve and then daring me to stray for a morsel. This kind of marriage is a sham. She is guilty of breaking the contract just as much as I would be if I went somewhere else for physical pleasure. Her job by design as is mine is to provide sexual pleasure for ones spouse. If a married person, wife or husband, does not provide that sexual pleasure for their spouse, that person is just as guilty as the spouse that strays, for the disolution of the marriage contract. Under these circumstances the wife is just as quilty as the husband for his affair. And the wife should be help equally responsible in the mind of each party involved.

Answer 9

It is called, D I V O R C E. He has violated the marriage vow real big time, wow 3 yrs, thats really bad.

But you and only you are going to be able to decide if you can live with the knowledge of his affair and with him at the same time.

Will you ever be able to trust him again??

Good luck

Answer 10

You just cannot-respect and trust is lost, what else is left ? this knowledge of him having an affair will torture your subconscious every now and then, while he holds you tight in bed, while he kiss you or even while he just watches tv. It will haunt you like a nightmare that never goes away. That is the ugliest truth.