you can view my other question for more background info... Is it possible to continue a friendship with someone you truly, honest;y and whole-heartedly feel is a friend, even if your spouse feels otherwise (believes I had an emotional affair)? That is, if all communication was made available for the spouse so they could see exactly what was going on from this point on (as it always should have been)? Do you think my spouse should trust me to continue this friendship now knowing our boundaries of information sharing? I have never done anything to betray his trust before and really feel this person is just a friend... neither of us have any desire to go further than a friendship.
2007-10-12 05:30:00 · 12 answers · asked by girl 123 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
as it stands now, i have stopped all communication with my friend as to heal the damage and hurt it caused my husband. But, I feel sad to lose a friend because of some stupid mistakes I made and feel that I can go on to have the kind of friendship it should have been from the start... that is, being open with my husband about it. is that possible?
2007-10-12 05:43:54 · update #1
I read your other question before deciding what to say.
You cannot have an emotional friendship with another man and expect your spouse to be understanding.
While you say that you only had cyber sex once with this man and that you both agreed it was wrong. The fact is that you already crossed the boundries of friendship and entered an emotional field of infidelity.
You are trying to justify this friendship by getting others to support your indescretion but any rational person can see that you are doing just that.
You need to decide which is more important to you and do what needs to be done for everyones sake involved. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.
I'm usually not this blunt but you need to realize that you have overstepped your boundries and are causing havoc in your marriage every moment you continue to cling to this idea. Your husband is not going to change his mind about this and he shouldn't have to.
So decide, who do you want to be with? Your husband or this man.
This man sees you as being a possibility for more than a friendship and that is what he is secretly hoping for. That doesn't mean he wants to leave his wife or girlfriend, if he has one but it does mean he wants a secret relationship with you.
2007-10-12 06:30:46 · answer #1 · answered by Twilight 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think people of the opposite sex can be friends, and i think sometimes it is better to hold things back from our other half simply out of self-preservation - you can't be held responsible for your husband's jealous feelings if you're doing nothing wrong. HOWEVER, the fact that your friendship had a sexual tension in it, which you then acted on by having cyber sex, leads me to believe that there were feelings of mutual attraction and not just the usual "friendship" feeling. (would you have had cyber-sex with a female friend? i'm assuming not.) i'd classify this as an emotional affair. it sounds like he was kind of filling a void in your life, one that was better served by your husband, but i don't think this was an unforgivable offense. you recognized that something wasn't right about that aspect, it was stopped before it became physical, and no real harm was done. your hubby should be able to get over this, assuming it's not a pattern in your marriage. i'd cool it a little with the friend so temptation doesn't hit again, and put the extra effort into the marriage to ensure it doesn't become another divorce statistic.
2016-05-22 02:15:11 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to consider your priorities. What is more important, you 'friend' or your spouse? If this friendship is making your spouse uncomfortable, then you have to figure out what is more important.
Is this 'friend' really a friend of your marriage?
If you are investing emotional energy into this friendship, it can be taking that 'energy' from the marriage.
It's always dangerous territory to be taking about your marriage, your personal problems with a 'friend' of the opposite sex. It can so easily cross the line, and it's not fair to your spouse to be discussing your life with them. If you are saying or doing anything that you wouldn't want your spouse to know, then think twice about doing it to begin with.
Most affairs do start with 'just friends'. Be careful and keep strong boundaries.
2007-10-12 05:56:28 · answer #3 · answered by joyh 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a tough one to balance your husband probably is feeling betrayed that you have an emotional tie with someone else and may even fear that the tie is stronger than the one he has with you. That being said you really need to make sure that you open up to him on things a well and maybe cut back the encounters with your friend. Your friend will understand. If you truly love your partner remember to Put them first and make them feel like your #1.
2007-10-12 07:47:00 · answer #4 · answered by scott 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trying to keep a friendship with someone who you had an emotional affair with is very disrespectful to your husband. You're trying to hold onto something that you need to let go. Any friendships that you have with other men that makes your husband uncomfortatable is wrong and bad for your marraige.
2007-10-12 06:03:46 · answer #5 · answered by Phil 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
don't do that. yes it's going to hurt for a bit...but you didn't marry that friend for a reason.
i had a best friend for over 10 years. he was my son's godfather. he was also my ex's best friend. i talked to this friend for everything. i really thought it was a platanic relationship. until one day we both got drunk and he kissed me. that line was crossed. we both agreed to go back to being as friends and didn't mention it again. then i got married to my husband. my husband did not feel comfortable with this friendship. he knew the whole story before we became involved. so i let that friend go. i married my husband for good. and because it makes him uncomfortable, i refuse to put myself in a position to have him doubt my love for him. i haven't talked to that "friend" since i have been married.
my husband has the same issue. a female co-worker took tried to take things to the next level while i was pregnant and JUST married to my husband. because he no longer works with her at that location, there is no reason he should be having ANY contact with her. because i KNOW of her intentions. same as my husband shouldn't be looking to contact her. because that will always put my feelings on the back burner. any spouse that still makes contact with someone who makes the other spouse that uncomfortable....needs to re-evaluate their marriage and respect of it.
regardless of intentions or not.
2007-10-12 05:53:00 · answer #6 · answered by Isabella S 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If your husband has told you the relationship with your friend makes him uncomfortable I don't think you should continue the friendship. What if the shoe was on the other foot? I'll say again--Guys are (usually) only friends with women that they hope one day will be their girlfriend.
2007-10-12 05:44:33 · answer #7 · answered by shellshell 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
it would have been ok if you never started having cyber-sex with this guy. on top of that you did all this behind your husbands back and not because you didnt think he would understand, more because you developed feelings and thats obvious. so, if you dont want to loose your husband, loose the guy. i can understand why your spouse wont accept your "friendship" with this guy. i wouldnt either.
2007-10-12 06:26:47 · answer #8 · answered by not this way 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your ? is can you continue a friendship w/ someone who your partner thinks you had an emotional affiar with?
The answer is :
NO if you want to continue to work on your relationship with your partner.
YES if the relationship with the person who you (allegedly) had the emotional affiar with is more important to you.
2007-10-12 05:35:31 · answer #9 · answered by MELISSA 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
May as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb.
2007-10-12 05:38:54 · answer #10 · answered by spud 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋