step-mother needs advice?

Question

I have been married for 7 weeks now. Both our spouse past away from cancer. my new husband has 3 daughters, 11yrs, 14 yrs, 171/2 year old. I have a daughter 17, and son 21. We went to a teacher parent conferance for my husband daughter,(17 1/2 year old) she is senior, but taking junior courses because she failed them last year. was informed last night she is not doing her homework and fail to pass in essay on college/ research. She also had to write and essay on Woodrow Wilson due today. When we arrived at home I asked her " how the woodrow wilson coming along" Well, that didn't go over to well , I was told i was stepping over my boundies. and don't confront erin anymore about her school work.this young lady is stubborn: selfish;lazy; on VERY, confertational. Irish blood I guess. Was I wrong for saying something? What ever I say to her she runs back to daddy and complains and argues with him. Should I say out of this area(school work) and let him handle it?

Answer 1

she might just be afraid that you are wanting to take her mother's place. u need to speak with ur husband and let him know u want to talk to his kids and let them understand that you are there for them, whether they want you to be or not. i went through 1 stepmom and now im going through another, but i still have my real mom as well. i am also 17 1/2yrs. old too. but my stepmom was a ***** and acted like she precious daughter was all that matter. but you actually care. too bad mine wasnt like that, oh well. but when your husband tells his kids especially the 17 yr. old let them know that you both want to talk, not just you, because then they won't want to open up. but have a family talk like after dinner or after school, but not during dinner, because some people might not have an appetite if they have to talk about something that they dont want to. but dont get upset over anything they say, let them open up and listen to everything they must say. if no one starts talking then u start out the conversation by asking how they feel about you or u being there now for them to talk to. good luck, and be kind and listen don't act like their mother. step parents have to worst job, they have to just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Answer 2

Name her Casey, and I'd think we had the same girl. You ARE overstepping
so let me let you out of it.
Let go of how she does in school,- read a story to the 11 year old
Let go of disciplining her-She either knows right from wrong or she doesn't ...no matter she doesn't want to learn it from you
Let go of her relationship with her daddy.
You scare the crap outta her.

This girl will be 18 in 6 mos.
Sr Year is the year that makes or breaks you.
here IS what worked.
I invented reasons to cruise the local college, while she was in the car with me.
We went to the campus library
we went to the cafeteria
and the student bank and then the book store,
we snuck into a class room and giggled. then I murmured... this is just like a little city...
Packed with cuties YOUR age !! then I laughed... we made our connection. and she started opening up to me as a woman.
We lived thru that 6 mos. She got her GED and went to that collage
She got her MRS degree and I got grand kids.
Find your common ground with Erin, Dad will relax and the knots in your stomach will go away.She doesn't need a mother today. She needs a friend. When she has a baby she will need a mother...and whom better than a friend like you?

Answer 3

Being 17 myself and having a Step-Mother in my life, I think that you may want to start your relationship with her from another perspective, maybe as (even though I know your Married) only do things that a friend of her Dad would. Would a friend of her Dad ask her questions about her HW? No. Start it off like that. You have only been in her life for 7 Weeks, and as teenagers authority is the enemy for us. She may have been very close to her Dad before, and feels threatned by your presence. Although it would be in her best interest to do her work so she can pass, you must let her start to learn from her mistakes so that your advice will become all the more valuable in the long run.

Answer 4

You need to sit down with the father and both agree on some guidelines. You simply cannot have one parent disciplining their own children. You should both decide why and how you will act and when. You should also agree that if the child "runs back to daddy" that he (or you should the case be reversed) will remind her that you are both in charge and what you had said goes just the same as if he said it.

At first this will be hard and remember that not only did you both loose your significant others, but the children lost parents, and they may see you (or him) as "not my real parent". If you both agree what will happen things will work out. The children may resent you at first, but they'll get over it and be better in the future for it.

Answer 5

if she was younger....i would have wanted to slap her. even if she was my own daughter. i wouldn't have done it.....but i would sure want to.

okay....here's the thing....she's 17.5. almost 18. at this point....if her own discipline hasn't set in....there isn't much a biological parent can do, much less a stepparent. so it's up to her to buckle down or suffer the consequences. which may result in repeating her senior year. how about mentioning extra tutoring, or even couseling for her. i really believe all teenagers should be involved in some type of couseling throughout their high school years, tragedy or not. those years are hormonally awful.
just be a friend and a third party consultant. this is a little late to be a disciplanary even for the father. he's not active about it now and nothing he can do at this point to really change that unless he wants to. so don't stress yourself out. your marriage is still new. enjoy yourself with your focus on your husband.

Answer 6

Just 7 weeks married....how long did it take you to adjust to major 'stuff' in your life when you were 17 1/2? EVERYTHING should be left to the father (concerning his kids) until you can establish a solid friendship with these kids (and get a grip on the idea that it may never happen). But at some point they may be willing to work with you.
Or not. It's the nature of blended families.

Answer 7

My husband has a daughter who just turned 13. If I were you, since this child is 17 years old, I think I'd just leave things up to her dad. Should he approach you about helping in this school work area, then I'd talk to him about what he expects. Once you all have that ironed out, both of you sit down with the daughter and tell her what the new deal is going to be.

As far as other aspects of life in your household, I suggest that you and your husband sit down and figure out how things are going to be done and how tattle-telling is going to be handled. Then, both of you sit down with the children still living at home and spell it out for them. Don't forget to divulge the information about punishment for a child who runs to daddy because you took your rightful authoritative place in your own house.

Good luck.

Answer 8

I have a friend in a simular situation!!
You were not in the wrong but it is only the beginning, or it was for my friend. The best thing is to stay strong and not let them push you about.
This will put alot of strain on your relationship but so long you both commuicate.

My advice is to keep asking her how things are going at school. Eventually she will learn that your not an enermy that you just want to help and perhaps be a friend!!
Just remember this can take time.
Stay strong and i hope it all works!!
Good luck xx

Answer 9

I have a step daughter who is 16, she is mouthy and rude....I have found that no matter what I say..it is wrong and wronger. I just stay out of things, let her and her father deal with stuff....I am kind to her however....it has been made clear to me that she is not interested in what I say and will do the opposite. In fact last year I told her she was going to fail in math just to check this theory.....she got an A.

Answer 10

I recommend that you agree with your husband how you will handle these situations with both lots of children. It's important that you agree to support one another in front of the children and discuss any disagreements on your own. If not, your life will become a battle ground and no one will be happy.

Demonstrating a united front from the outset will stop this kind of behaviour and make everyone's lives easier.