Should you stay married for your kids just because you are not happy?

Question

Serious question here. I know how I feel about this, I just want others opinions. No religious comments please. I'm aware of all that. This is to help me with a situation close but not me.
Your are in your 30's. Married for 5+. Have house, good jobs, great spouse, no abuse, but you're not happy. Feel there should be something more. 3 healthy kids under 8.
Do you think this "unhappiness" is normal? Do you think you should look for what you think you are missing or do you put your energy into making a home for the kids at this time?
If you're not content, is it worth sacrificing the "family" for that?
The passion has turned to just living together -- do you separate?
Serious answers only please.

Answer 1

You need to figure out if your just been feeling unhappy or you are unhappy. You should never stay together for the kids because you will hate yourself later. Your sadness will just keep growing until you and your husband argue alot and it will affect your relationship with your kids. Your kids will hate that you two have grown to hate each other and then you won't be able to stand him. Then you could not function together as a parental unit and it will be harder on your kids when you split because you have to since you are both going out of your minds with anger. That's what happened to my parents. Now they aren't friends and they got divorced when I as in 8th grade which was harder on me because I was in that puberty age. And they hated each other so much it affected my relationship with them. I've moved on but I wish they divorced when I was younger. My father has moved on and could be friends with my mother but my mother has never even come close to recovering emotional.

Answer 2

If it was a bad marriage you should get out but what you described isn't a bad marriage.
Passion will always taper off. The same thing will happen if you find a new man.
Taking care of three children under 8 is hard work and can cause some of the depression that you feel.
Being a single mother would not bring happiness. Probably more depression.
Happiness comes from within. You have to work at it if it's not there. You can make your life happier. It's your attitude that needs to change. Think about the good things in your life. Put your effort into improving what you have.
Get a babysitter and have a date night once a week. Go dancing with your husband or persue whatever interests you have in common.
If what you think is missing is a lot of one night stands then go for it.
Not many men would want a woman that has three little kids to deal with. They'll only be around long enough to get into your pants and then move on.
Your kids will never understand why you broke up the family to seek happiness elswhere.
Best of luck to you. I hope your situation improves soon.

Answer 3

it is unfortunate, but since it seems that at least two of the kids are under 8, do the divorce now that they are still young and might not affect them as much if they were all over 8. The oldest one might feel a little responsible for the divorce so you would spend more time with the oldest one. But it looks like it needs to be done since you say the passion has turned to just living together. This is the reason for the separation. Staying together for the kids sake is wrong in many ways, like having one or both the parents being miserable is not worth it, another is the children do feel the stress from the parents, and lastly, who is to say that in another 3 or 4 years it wont get to a point to where it is unbearable that it ends in divorce anyway. Those 3 or 4 years would have been wasted. Have you tried counseling or do both not even want to try anymore? Good luck.

Answer 4

First of all, I would try and identify why I felt unhappy. Once I'd done that - I would try and work on it with my spouse. After all, everything would be much better if the marriage could be fixed.

Secondly, if that didn't work - I most certainly would not look outside of the marriage for satisfaction. You don't need a list of reasons as to why that's wrong.

Thirdly, although I will never really advocate divorce - I would consider the children. Someone once said that divorcing is the same as taking your child and splitting them down the middle. Having seen my parents go through divorce, I could pretty much agree with that!

However; you need to weigh up the hurt that divorce will cause them with the damage it will do them living in an unhappy environment. I don't really think it's right to 'stay together for the kids.'

Answer 5

No! That is the worst thing you can do. My mom went through her parents always fighting and what not when she was little so when it happened between her and my father she was determined not to put me and my brother through that. We had to deal with it only for a couple months before my mom filed for divorce and it was the worst. You don't want you kids to see that. If you are not happy then your kids won't be! You have to set an example for them! I would suggest however maybe marriage counseling. In relationship's people go through rough spots. You may be able to get the fire going again. If you have family maybe leave the kids with them for a weekend and you and your husband go away for the weekend. Try it and if in a couple months nothing has changed work on getting a place of your own. You need to be happy so your kids can be happy. Try not to make it a bad separation though cause that could be rough on the kids. Talk to your husband/ wife. I hope I could help in some way! Good luck to ya!

Answer 6

If you are not happy, there is a tremendous chance that one or the other will start to have an affair with someone somewhere and that would be as bad, from a religious standpoint, as the divorce. I think the two should talk to each other and try to regain the happiness that caused them to be happy in the first place. there is a reason that the passion turned to not being content but unless they talk honestly and openly, if the person not content gets a divorce he or she will get into another relationship which will end in not being content there either. It would be better to talk or get counseling now to rekindle the romance and save what sounds like otherwise a good marriage.

Answer 7

If you are unhappy your kids are going to see this and it will begin to make them unhappy you should never stay together just for the kids.
Find out if you can find what you lost with your spouse do things just the 2 of you see if something is still there if its not then there is no need to stay together its not good for you, your spouse or the kids. Life is too short not to be happy.

Answer 8

Stephen Covey have struck me with this passage from "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People"

During a seminar, a man came up and said to him –

'Stephen, I like what you are preaching about relationships. But every situation is different. Look at my marriage. I am really worried. My wife and I just don't have the same feeling for each other that we used to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore, and she doesn't love me".
"The feeling is not there anymore?" Stephen inquired.
"That is right", the man affirmed. "And we have three children and we are really concerned about it. What do you suggest"?
"Love her", Stephen Covey advised him.
"I told you the feeling just isn't there"
"Then love her. If the feeling is not there, that is all the more reason to love her.
"But how do you love when you don't love?"
My friend, Covey told him – "Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her."

I think that I can't add anything more, as Covey made it clear, that we always oversee the "verb" side of things, and we just see the noun, the result of the verbs, as if we expecting the result without trying the verb to get it.

Answer 9

Exact same situation I "was" in 10 years ago.
Let me say this:
for kids, " It's better to be "FROM" a broken home, than "IN" a broken home". That statement, right there, has alot of truth to it.
I was staying in my marriage "for the kid's sake".
My kids were 5 & 7, at the time.
Believe me, I wasn't doing them or me any favors by staying miserable.
When "you" are unhappy, so are your children.
No matter how it may seem, there's no happiness there.
I didn't see that until I got away from the situation and look back on it.
The very first time I dated a man afterwards, which was about 4 years later, my family asked my daughter (who was 11 at the time) if she liked my boyfriend.
Her answer was "yes", and when they asked her why she liked him....she said "because he makes Mommy happy".
And here I thought I was doing a pretty good job "pretending" to be happy.

So go for that "happiness".
If you don't have it, go find it.
It makes a whole world of difference in how you live your life.

Good luck to your friend.
It's probably the hardest thing I did, ending my marriage.
But it's also the best thing I did.

I am now married to the man of my dreams.
(the same man my daughter liked for making me happy).
And I am happier now than I ever thought I could be.

Don't settle for less than happiness ;)

Answer 10

If you are not happy your kids will no tbe happy in the long run. Staying with someone just for your kids sake does not work. Try to find passion within each other and if their is none their I would get out. At least that way you can still both maintain civil for the childen. After you have ended the marriage find out who or what makes you passionate. Don't waste your entire life being unhappy, you and your children will regret it in the long run!!!