What do I say to my step children? What is the appropriate thing to do?

Question

Last weekend their mother was rude to us (my husband and I) all weekend, the children had events that we all attended. She has always wanted to break us up, she had 2 affairs when they were married and I think she realizes what she is missing and wants him back. She doesn't want us together or happy, that has been made clear....I have not said a word to this woman in 3 years other than hello. However, last weekend I made a simple factual statement about where our jumper cables were because her car wouldn't start and the kids started telling me to shut up, that it was none of my business and they just completely lost it with me. I think it was because of the tension they feel when their mother is around us, however I told them at the time "don't talk to me that way" "I am not angry at this situation, this is no ones fault", they continued to yell at me. I know that in the past the oldest, 16 the only daughter has gone home and told lies about things that go on in our home, about

things she said happened or things I have said. Not true things as I try to keep the peace and not talk about their mother at all and just try to provide a calm and normal environment. However, their reaction has caused huge problems, the mother has gone to an attorney and said that I threatened her and upset the children. I honestly don't know what to say or do about these kids. They won't be here until next weekend. However, they are not calling their father at home this week, only at work and I know they are brewing up another ploy to break us up.....they of course want their parents back together which my husband clearly doesn't want.

Answer 1

Maybe you need to take a step back and let their father step in, since you are in the middle of this mess. He needs to sit with his ex, and the kids, either seperately or together, and explain that their behavior is unacceptable and that he expects all of them to treat you (and him) with politeness and respect. You're very correct when you say that her behavior has tainted the kids towards you, but the older girl especially is old enough to understand that you deserve respect.

Answer 2

In the midst of all this you keep driving home one point: “they want to break us up”. They can’t do that unless you allow it to happen, but right now you’re doing a pretty good job of allowing it, because this is causing problems with your husband being able to maintain a relationship with his children, and THAT is the important thing.

Why do you not stay away from her? You can certainly attend the children’s events without going anywhere near her—just stay on the other side of the room and don’t speak to her unless she comes over and speaks to you first, and even then keep the conversation brief and as general as possible (ie don’t discuss any issues with her that could possibly become ‘volatile’).

And in regard to the whole deal with the jumper cables…while you were trying to do a nice thing, did she ask *you* if you had jumper cables? Somehow I doubt it, because if she had, I doubt the children would have reacted that way. And I have to wonder, why *hubby* didn’t volunteer the jumper cable information to her? Because I’m suspecting (and I could be wrong) that *maybe* she was actually talking to hubby at the time, and that may have been one reason that the kids got upset--because you interjected yourself into their conversation. Now, that reaction was childish and immature, but they’re children, so you can’t expect them to behave as reasonable adults, especially if they hold any degree of animosity toward you (rather it’s justified or not).

Should you have to monitor every single word that you say to someone? No. BUT in this case, you know the possible results, and you know it’s causing problems with hubby maintaining his relationship with the children, so by staying out of their conversations (and staying away from her as much as possible) you can avoid these situations.

As far as what to say to the kids…let HUBBY deal with it. He needs to *remain calm*, and tell them something along the lines of: “X was just trying to do a nice thing, and your reaction was unacceptable.”

Answer 3

I mean no disrespect to you, but this is a prime example of what happens when you marry a man with young children, this is why a man or a woman should wait till their children are much older to remarry. These kids are only acting out because they are angry. I mean geez, their family has been broken up, mom and dad are not together any more and their in pain. My advise to you is to back off, these are not your kids. You and your husband made a major mistake by getting married before these kids were mentally ready for a step mom, and now they are living a life of disfunction. And then the parents step back and wonder what is wrong with the kids? You married into the mess and now you wonder why things are not working out?

Answer 4

One more time (I've answered this one before but obvioiusly you didn't like the answer) Neither his ex wife nor his children are to blame for HIM not stepping up and putting HIS foot down. If HE won't take care of the problem then it is HIS fault not that of his ex or his children. You are blaming the wrong people and refuse to see your husband's responsibility in this. Nothing will be resolved until HE grows some balls and a back bone.

Answer 5

it is not your place to discipline his kids... It is also not fair to you to have them being mean and rude to you in your household... tell your husband their father what is going on and he will then be able to talk to his children and find an equal medium for them I'm sure.... I have 5 step children also and when they are in my household they are treated the same as my child

Answer 6

i sure do know your pain. i have been going through this too!! do not give up on this. these children are misled by their mother. they will in time see through this. dad needs to step up and defend you when it is happening. they need to know they are not to be disresptful towads you. dad needs to explain thatmom is bitter and chooses not to go with her life and that maybe the kids should encourage mom to start dating. i am always being blamed for everything that goes wrong, even when i have nothing to do with the situation. its been rough. as they get older they will mature. my advice is to do some one on one time. let them get to know you better by their selves. find out their interests and play on that. it worked for me. once they know you, they will tell mom to stop.

Answer 7

As long as you didnt do anything the EX is not going to get anywhere with the lawyer.

I know its going to be difficult but keep minimal contact with his kids...keep doint what you are doing be cordial but dont get into anythng with them. Really your husband should be handling alot of this...and straightening out the mess.

Answer 8

Their father needs to step in and take care of it.

Answer 9

THIS IS THE EXACT REASON WHY PEOPLE WHO SEPARATE OR DIVORCE SHOULD NOT GET INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP UNTIL THEIR KIDS ARE 18. THEY SHOULD PUT ALL THEIR ENERGY INTO FINISHING RAISING THEIR KIDS AND NOT INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP. IT IS JUST SO HARD ON THE KIDS AND IT MAKES THEIR LIFE MISERABLE. THINK ABOUT HOW THE KIDS FEEL AND NOT YOU AND YOUR BEAU.