My lyrics framework no chorus good or bad?

Question

In Reflex of a Suicide God

I sleep inside your core,
Fences for selfless purity,
Disagreement cant save the sure,
This is your god of fear,

March behind him with your morals clear,
Opposition is your only pain,
who are you but just a stain,
memories are all you fear,

All you ever had is only what you've tried to hide,
On your knees while you summon your own suicide,
god why god oh why,
In your path the people who cant see,
Are just the ones you can't free,
Righteousess in selfish misery,
Just a small sour eye,

Desire pain and laugh to prove your game,
Weakness grows without the ones to blame,
The Game of Shame,
A joke told amongst the insane,
Ironic reflection labeled of a name,

more

Broken Sink


Luminescent steel shines down on your back, the coldness from the moon,
Ice water flows through the broken crack, the romance of leaving so soon,
Through your body blood turns to wine,Through my heart the peace you'll find,

Hating life because its free,
Loving death is alive in me,
Bleed my heart eternally,

shattered conciously lack of care emotions free,
tell me i am and ill be what you cant see,
kill yourself, beauty dying in a felony,

Hating life because its free,
Loving death is alive in me,
Bleed my heart eternally,

broken toys around my cage
New found game surrounded rage,
A smile grows across my face,

Its death metal man I would hope that alters your perception on the difference screaming and all that i'm not going to pronunciate in a correct english manner it's death metal here so please understand the difference and send me a reply.
Please don't just send me some half fast policy jack *** reply or anything.

Also what do you mean by hook to me that sounds like your just indifferent to the meaning of the song, btw this isn't a pop song or anything like wheels on the bus go round and round please give me some more valid insight if you can.

Answer 1

I've often thought I'd like to write some lyrics, but I can't even "get" where to start. So to me, this is great stuff. It makes me want to hear it. Do you have a recording of yourself singing on-line you could put up a link for?

I just went to this concert called "Family Values Tour." All the bands came out with this hard, fast beat heavy metal and the vocalist was, like, screaming the song out. Korn was the last band.

Is that the music-type you're going after?

Answer 2

there is nothing to HOOK in the listener/reader if these are to beconsidered for a musical rendention then consider something that will grap there attention. Choruses often are used to hook the listener into the music. however choruses are not required if you use the lyrics more effectively than you have demonstrated here. for now your use of ryhme is the only hook and anyone whom has studied poetry get dulled with systamtic rhyming. unless your going for a old school rap.