I need help with this very short statement. Im sending it to a college so I want to make sure it is perfect.?

Question

I make the mentoring program at ******** my number one priority because I get a jolt of energy every time I see my time and effort actually making a positive impact on the younger kids. ******** is a locally recognized after school program that attempts to better prepare elementary students in the areas of math, social studies, reading, and writing so that they may excel with many of their peers. All of the kids enrolled in this program want to improve in one area or another and I recognize their passion and do all that I can to help them succeed. I always feel fortunate when I am able to be participate in programs in which both parties are rewarded. I am the type of person, who thrives on helping others, and this program really allows me to do so.

Answer 1

How about:
The mentoring program at ******** is my number one priority. I get a jolt of energy when I see my time and effort actually making a positive impact on children. ******** is a locally recognized after school program that attempts to better prepare elementary students in the areas of math, social studies, reading, and writing so that they may excel with many of their peers. All of the students enrolled in this program are motivated to improve. I recognize their passion and do all that I can to help them succeed. I feel fortunate to be able to participate in a program where both sides reap the rewards. I thrive on helping others.