How much snooping on wife is justified?

Question

In July, I discovered (innocently) that my wife lied to me about a number in her phone. As a result, I secretly looked at her phone's directory and discovered a suspicious entry. I also discovered a series of text messages/emails indicating that she was at the very least engaging in inappropriate flirting, if not actually having an affair. When I confronted her with the evidence I found, she immediately denied that anything improper had taken place, explained that it was only flirting and that she would never let herself cross the line again.

Importantly, she attacked me quite harshly because of the way in which I obtained the information - snooping around her cell phone/email.

1) Do ends ever justify the means in such a circumstance - is my snooping understandable/justifiable?

2) Having recently discovered another suspicious text message (cancelling a dinner plan with Mr. X on a night on which I was out of town), how can I confront her w/o admitting to new snooping?

Answer 1

I know people will say it is wrong, but I agree with you 100%. This woman can run around on you, & everyone in the world will know this except you. My advice is to leave now. #

Answer 2

I think your snooping in this situation is justified. Your wife is being defensive because she was caught in a lie. If she has nothing to hide then she shouldn't care if you open her cell to look at texts or numbers or even if you read her email. Don't let her try to turn the tables on you and blame you for finding out about her lies.

And I would just be up front with her about snooping again. Just admit that you feel insecure as a result of her lies and esp because of this Mr.X. You should be able to check up on her after her earlier behavior. She needs to earn your trust again.

But since you have access to this Mr. X's number- if your wife continues to just be angry- go ahead and call up Mr. X and ask what's going on between him and your wife. Maybe he'll have enough good sense to be honest with you. And by this point you deserve to know the truth.

Good Luck. Counseling may worth a try because the counselor will act like a mediator when your wife just gets defensive. Sometimes it's easier for someone to see the error of their ways when an impartial person explains to them how much hurt they have caused.

Answer 3

1) Do ends ever justify the means in such a circumstance - is my snooping understandable/justifiafiable?
understandble

2) Having recently discovered another suspicious text message (cancelling a dinner plan with Mr. X on a night on which I was out of town), how can I confront her w/o admitting to new snooping?
just say it to her face- i know cuz i have done it before when you blame us for something we try to become victims so youll feel bad everyone has done it

Answer 4

The way I see it, she's hiding stuff so you've got every right to snoop. You're her husband - you have the right to know if anything is going on.
She can just be mad about it.
DON'T let her turn the situation around on you about snooping; she's trying to take some of the spotlight away from the fact she's done something wrong and make you feel you've done something wrong.
Tell her, "if there wasn't anything there for me to find then it wouldn't have been an issue, now would it have?" and also tell her that cheating is defined as anything you wouldn't do with your spouse standing right there, yes... including flirting.
Please be careful. It sounds like she's dabbling in thoughts that could eventually hurt you...

Answer 5

This is a touchy situation. and at first my answer may seem glib. But hear me out.
The amount of snooping should be based on the amount that you really want to know. Ask yourself: Why am I snooping. Do I have a reason to want to dig up dirt that could just lie still? What am I going to do if the worst that I imagine is true. Snooping just to discover without having a game plan or preparing yourself for what you may find is asking for alot of hurt and alot of room to make snap decisions that you may regret later.
If she is doing bad things I am sorry and it is now, more than ever, that you need to walk carefully and be very strategic. In the worse case scenario... she is cheating and this leads to a divorce: Do you really want to spill all of your beans and let her know that you are on the her like a bloodhound so that she goes deeper underground blinding you to all potential facts OR as much as it may hurt.. would it be wiser to keep your cards close to your chest and just gather the information that you may have to use later.
Good luck to you
~Tyed~

Answer 6

I went through this for a while. The fact is you either trust her or you don't. Snooping is not only exhausting it is counter productive. You can not "snoop" you way to a good relationship.

If you guys are having these kinds of issues, you need to open up your lines of communication. Maybe some counseling will help, but what ever you do, start TALKING. Right now, you are closed off from each other.

So, stop snooping and start communicating!

Answer 7

That is a really hard situation. I understand why you are being suspicious- but I do not believe in snooping. When you take it to that point you ruin the relationship, if you have to snoop then you simply do not trust the other person. I would just be honest with her- tell her you are extremely uncomfortable with what you found and that you are starting to lose your trust in her. Tell her to be honest with you and if she wants to have dinner with other men, you would rather know than live in a lie. You should apologize for taking your snooping so far and really try to not do that again. Either you work it out with her and trust her- or you end it. Constantly questioning your partners commitment in a relationship is no relationship at all!

Answer 8

First off, re-phrase. As a result of a lie, you snooped and found out that she lied?

You had reason, thought, feeling and/or belief that she was doing something behind your back, detrimental to your relationship, you confirmed it, and she hasn't been straight-forward in responding. Snooping is absolutely justified. Of course she is upset because she got caught.

She got off too easy, and is just going to try to be more careful about it going forward...

Put your Foot Down, move out, do something, don't just sit there and let it happen and take her word for it.

Answer 9

Start by pointing out how typical it is for the "caught" spouse to become indignant that they were snooped on.

It is your phone. Remember, marriage makes it that way. Hard to consider it snooping when it belongs to you.

Ask her how she feels about you having a "secret" female friend that you meet for dinner when you are out of town. After she gives you an ear full tell ask her to review her text canceling dinner with Mr. X.

1. Ends to not justify means. You did not cross any boundaries in this situation.

Answer 10

Okay......first of all if I were you I would follow my gut feelings on this one and it doesn't sound good. Second, if the shoe were on the other foot, meaning it's your wife whose suspicious you're cheating on her, she would not only snoop in your cell phone, but she'd be snooping in your wallet, jacket pockets, and even email if she could get your password!!! So tell her to chill.....it's funny how people get on the defense when they know they are guilty. I've had this happen to me and my boyfriend focused on the fact I broke into his email when I had no right, while only a year earlier he confessed he tried to break into my email when he thought a male friend of mine was more than a friend (which he wasn't). So if your wife was HARSH, she over-reacted because she is guilty and displacing that onto you to cover her tracks. It's an age old human behavior when people are caught, or know they are getting closed in on and about to be found out. Also, why does your wife think it's okay to flirt with other men??? GIVE ME A BREAK! Is she married or single here? Act like it. No married person has the right to flirt. It's inappropriate and manipulative to treat your spouse like that. She is skating on thin ice doing that, and my hunch is she gets off on the attention, but don't be naive....flirtatious behavior is the first step to the next step of dating. It lets a person know you think they are attractive and want to get to know them, most of the time. But flirting on a cell phone? Pa-lease!!!! No way! Those text in my opinion are with a lover or someone she's very close to becoming a lover with. Sounds to me she's already crossed the line and of course does not want you to find out about it.

Don't ignore the evidence. And don't rationalize it. It is what it is and can not be anything more than what you see.

Question 1, YES, your end does justify the means, because do you want to be with a lying, deceitful, unfaithful woman? Whose giving herself to someone behind your back and then attacking you for it when you confront her?

Question 2, She's thinks she has you in line now that you succumbed quetly to her bullying harshness in asking her an honest question based on your findings. If I were you and wanted to really find out what's going on, do not tell her you snooped on her cell phone again and found out about the dinner cancellation. Why not just catch her in the act? If she's guilty, which based on what you've said sounds like facts, then you will eventually find out. I would follow her when she leasts expects it and catch her in a romantic compromising way where there is NO WAY she could deny it. It's a shame the innocent party has to go to these extremes, but I've had experience with lying cheaters in my life, and many of them do not like it when they are caught. They are not even ashamed. A person whose not ashamed never loved you in the first place. If they are shamed and sorry, then there might be something to salvage, but if they are angry and hostile....don't waste your precious life on them another day, because you can not change them. It's best to move forward and find someone who shares the same values as you.

God bless you and I hope for the best.

Answer 11

Forget the nonsense about her being upset over your snooping. Is it wrong to snoop, sure. But it's more wrong to do what she's doing.

Confront her about the dinner issue immediately. Then you need to have long talk about the future of your relationship. She's going to lash out about you snooping; however, that's just deflection from her activities.

IMO you've got problems in your house bro. The only way to handle them is head on.