Should I stay with my husband or leave him?

Question

My husband has a porno addiction and it has really affected me emotionally .It has been going on for the 3 years that we've been married. We spoke about it before and he is always in denial. He told me once that he had that problem since he was 15 years old and now is hard for him to let it go. I have a low self esteem because of this. I'm constantly worried about him being alone at home. We have a 1 year old and don’t want him around his dad if I’m not home. I set up a hidden camera in our house and saw that my husband didn’t even pay attention to our son. He was all into his porn. I’m really angry at him and don’t even know what to do. I want to be able to hang out with my friends, start working now that my son is older, finish school, and everything that us girl like doing, but I don’t see how. I just don’t want my husband setting a bad example for our son, he suppose to be his role model. I don’t trust him aver since I found about his addiction. We have talked about getting counseling and my husband refused not to get help. I did get counseling but it didn’t help me at all. Obviously I can't change him and the change needs to come with in him. What if he continues like this? I really love my husband but if he doesn't change his bad habit then I see no point of being in this relationship. So what would you do if you where in my shoes? Also He is in the military and he spends most of his time working, on his free time or weekend he spends all day playing online video games. We have no life, and I don’t want this to be a miserable and boring life for my child.

Answer only if you are against porn and please don’t be rude! Thank you!

Answer 1

I really don't think he can quit. You need to start checking your options. #

Answer 2

First, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's hard to give up on someone you care about and yet, it's disturbing when you feel they dont care about you. Pornography is a horrible "drug" for many people and it's also linked to many unhappy marriages. If porn is more important than his own son, I do feel you should seperate. Divorce is only something that I feel should occur when their is adultery, or one's life is endangered by their spouse, but, the truth is, he's probably not far from adultery when he spends all his free time watching porn. I dont want you to lose your marriage but, how much is left to save? Ask him one last time to seek help or to at least give this habit up. If he refuses or you feel he is only complying so that you'll get off his back, then it will probably be best if you seperated. Move or have him leave. If this wake up call isn't enough even then, I suppose divorce is an option but a decision only you can make. Yes, there is life after divorce and you can pick up the pieces and start anew. There is your son to focus on and your schooling to get started on. These are important things to keep you occupied and you will feel better and healthier being active and away from this addiction your husband has. There is no addiction that can not be overcome, it's just a matter of starting somewhere and going through with it. Unfortunately, others sometimes get hurt in the process but, if you're away from from it, you at least have that much going for you. I hope the best for you.

Answer 3

Answer only if you agree with me and will validate the way I'm feeling, tell me I'm right / he's wrong, and that I'm the better person for putting our child 1st before anything else.........

Is how you SHOULD have ended your question.

So is it REALLY the porn addiction, or is it the fact that he doesn't interact with you or the child that bothers you? From your post, I'd say its both, but you're using the porn as an excuse to be self-righteous about it.

I won't even begin to speak towards the issues involved with "Spying" on your spouse when they are to be caring for your child when you're out of the house !!!! How would YOU feel if your husband did that to you and then confronted you about the way you interact with the kid?

I agree that he should set the example and that a child of age 1 y/o should NOT be ignored or left lone for an extended period of time (whether he's looking @ porn, watching the game, or drinking a beer w/ buddies) - he needs to watch the kid. And while watching a game or drinking a beer is OK w/ the child - the other activity is NOT. But if the baby's down for a nap, and he's home alone, then what's the big deal ?!?!?

As for it affecting YOUR self-esteem - well now that's something that YOU need to work on. If he looked @ it PRIOR to your marriage and kid (and you knew about it), why would you think he would stop just because you two are married ? Unless you are willing to submit to him at any time he desires, then back off about the porn. Its a hobby / outlet for him.

Most likely a replacement for a wife that only shows time / affection / intimacy to their KID now and very little time / attention to HIM !!! So at least he's not out cheating on you.

So he's in the military and spends alot of time working? So what ?!?!? - you think he WANTS to be @ work all the time. You state this as if he has a choice !!!! You sound pretty ungrateful that you have a husband to keep a roof over your head and food in the fridge. He does this, and he's thanked by being told he works too much ?!?!?!

No wonder he tries to escape into a world of porn and video games - you sound like a peach to interact with .....

Try being appreciative of the good things he does for you and the family - then go do some family things durring off duty hours...... go to the park, go on a road trip - whatever.

Sounds to me you feel stuck @ home with a 1 y/o and you choose to take it out on your husband b/c he "gets" to go off to work, yet you don't get to go do the things "girls" do.... as you stated in your post.

Well start a pplaydate with some other gals in your neighborhood - you have more freedom than he has on a daily basis, yet you feel trapped. Well its not HIS job to fix that for you - its YOURS !!!! So ...... do something about it.

Answer 4

I would give him one last chance to sober up. I grew up in an alcoholic family and I drink maybe once every 3mths and I have one or two drinks. I get drunk maybe twice a year if even. His family isn't really an excuse for him. Yes that was normal for him growing up, but obviously in the real world its not normal. I hate to say it though no matter how many times my dad has hit rock bottom and swore he would never drink again he still has a problem to this day. The longest he stayed sober was a year and then it was back to the same thing all over. That might be what you have to look forward to, but who knows some ppl are successful at quiting.

Answer 5

I would say, first of all, not to limit yourself to only "against porn" answers. It's nice to know both sides of both worlds to see how guys truly think and what you're up against. Having said that, I know your pain better than anyone, because I live this too. You have answered your own question here. You already KNOW you cannot change HIM. I have asked myself TODAY, WHAT am I going to do to change my life? I love MY husband too, but he loves THAT more than me, so what can I do? There's a difference between viewing a little porn, and a porn addiction. I know how bad your heart is hurting right now, but the only thing you can do is move on towards that better life without him. I've had those countless talks too, where he says he's going to stop and doesn't. This leads me to the painful acknowledgement you are at RIGHT now. All I can do is make life better for ME, and it's unfortunate that he doesn't see my worth. I have a lot to offer. Same goes for you. Decide what you want, and go GET it. He's not going to change Hon.

Answer 6

I'm so sorry.

Your husband obviously has a problem and needs help...if he wont get it, then you have to do whats best for your son! It would be horrible for him to grow up in that environment, and since your husband has been doing it for so long, there's no telling what could happen if they were home alone...you know what I'm saying.

once again im sorry, and i dont want to tell you to leave your husband, but just take what i said into consideration.

God bless you and help you in your decision!

PS. If you have a mother, sister, or good friend you could stay with, it might pay to take your son to their house for a few weeks; once he wants you back, dont go until you all have finished counseling and he's healed of this addiction.

Answer 7

Then only problem is that he is not spending the time with you, or the kid. Are you spending time with him? Doing anything he likes to do? The only thing wrong with porn is its a sin, That's between him and god, NOT you. What is wrong with porn anyway. Do you constitute it as cheating. If so you are so so wrong. All guys either look at porn or fantasize about sex, I would say about every single day,. IF you divorce, the next guy WILL do the same or just fantasize. It is not that he doesnt find you apealing, I speak for all men, he would rather have you. Are you willing to give him sex two or three times a day, eveyday, of coarse not, but he is, so be thankfull for porn, every guy wants it every single day, it is not anything you are doing wrong. I gaurante you if you walked up to him and said hey lets make love, he would drop the porn in a millisecond, and go with you.

Answer 8

i know u said answer if u r against it, but u need to hear both sides rather than just hearing what u want to hear. i dont think porn addiction is a problem and i think it is quite nature for a man to like some porn. and i know there r ppl who find it disgusting and i can understand that. u r right about u cant change how he is. i think it would be a shame to end a relationship because of his porn addiction but it obviously had affected u a lot, and if u cant get around it then end it rather than drag on and live a miserable life.

gud luck, hope it all works well

Answer 9

There is always two sides to a story and here we only get to hear one of them and everyone picks up a pitch fork and starts to attack the porn addicted spouse. Therefore it is the best place to get sympathy

Maybe you should start out with getting counseling for your lack of self confidence and low self esteem. Well you should finish school and start working both will help develop your self confidence. Where as hangout with friends and do things girls do? You sound very immature. Ask any mother who is also going to school and working and trying to raise a child, how much girl time do they get? You will be disappointed by the answer.

Maybe if you tried spending more time with your husband instead of trying to do girl things it would make life better for you. Every man no matter how much porn he watches always enjoys the real thing. Your lack of self confidence stops you from being that real woman for him, therefore he is still lost in fantasy land.

It takes two to tango, you can get everyone sympathy by showing child neglect, but the problem is deeper within you not only just your husband, it is alway easy to blame the other person. We always hear the work compromise in the same breath when we hear marriage. I am not saying you compromise with his porn. But you both need to compromise to make it work. If he stops are limits his porn, you will be more available to him or reward him in certain ways. Marriage is fun when you stop blame and start resolving your differences.

It also could be you are still experience post partum depression, seek profession help.

Answer 10

Well, over here at Answer Central, we're seeing that you need some professional help, someone with more than passing expertise in this matter.

We're recommending that you sit down with your husband and let him know your concerns. Of course, expect major push back from him. But, you need to calmly press the fact that this marriage is on the brink of a major event, the outcome of which will leave him much different than before.

He can choose therapy and a road to recovery. Alternatively, he can choose divorce, potential isolation from you, his family and everyone else. His economic future will also change, too.

If he won't fix his problems, they will be fixed for him (He can't be married to his fist and his wife simultaneously).

Good luck.

Pray.

Answer 11

You said """"I really love my husband """"" that is good, that is the only thing keeping you guys together. He needs therapy. You also said that he plays on line video games all weekend, not good either. Give it one more try, you both take a short vacation together, take child to park regularly. Start today with trying to having a life together, if it fails today, try tomorrow, then the next, then the next. Get some GOOD friends, make sure the wife is less-than-attractive, go out to eat together regularly, movies, (PG rated), bowling, not bar hopping,
Your husband has a addictive behavior, regardless if it is porn, booze, gambling, or presciption drugs. Try to distract him with other good things. you both visit a non-denominational or Pentecostal church that has a live band that rocks. Give him a little more time before you make any decisions,,,