Ex wives and step moms?

Question

Do we have to get along or can we simply stay away from each other? My ex had an affair and left me for the other woman after a ten year marriage. I have to deal with my ex for the sake of our son. I do not bad mouth my ex or his girlfriend. I want my son to have a good relationship with his Dad. I have done all I can to help my son adjust. But given the circumstances we will never be one big happy family. I see a lot of questions from step mothers on here asking how to deal with their husband's ex wife. My question...why not just stay away from each other? As long as the kids are being taken care of at both homes - do not deal with each other. Make an agreement - no contact. Let the exs deal with each other and leave it at that. Is this possible?

Answer 1

Yes that is possible. My ex and I have been divorced for 12 years now and he has been remarried for 10 years. I have only spoken to his "new wife," once and that was when our oldest got into a car wreck and I couldn't reach him and didn't have the correct work number.
It is a very similar situation between us. My husband had an affair with her which was the final straw in an already strained marriage. She was also married at the time. They worked together and everyone knew. We also live in a small town so it was so humiliating.
This woman is certainly no friend of mine and she knows why.

Answer 2

In THEORY this makes perfect sense. But eventually the girlfriend will do something you won't like. Maybe she'll take him someplace you don't approve of, buy him something you don't approve of, or do something to win over his affections as a way of competing with you. And you'll have to deal with that sooner or later, unless the girlfriend is nothing more than an occasional chew toy for your ex husband.

I can tell you that my parents divorced when I was 16 and my brother was 12. That was 17 years ago. To this day I can't have my dad and his wife or my mother and her boyfriend of 15 years over at the same time. My mother STILL badmouths my father, his wife, and makes life miserable for anybody that doesn't jump on her bandwagon. So if you can figure out a way to raise your son without badmouthing his father or his girlfriends, he will appreciate you for it someday. When he has a family of his own he'll remember how you never spoke ill about the father that cheated on his mother and walked out on the two of you.

Answer 3

I don't agree with your philosophy. I am a step mom, and the ex and I get along very well. Now, we both do things the other doesn't like, but we, all four including the new husband, get along very well. We threw their child's b'day party together, and we discuss every aspect of the child's life. We make decisions as a family because we are all their son's parents. We all agree that it's what's best for him. He loves the fact that there is no tension and no arguing openly between us.

Another great aspect to this arrangement is that because we are all so eager to get along, we are all more willing to truly share custody. If he wants to be with us one night because we're having movie night, it's fine. If they're having game night, it's fine. He has identical rules at both homes because we all discuss them. His dad and I are more academic, and his mom and step dad are more social. This creates a great balance of "no good grades, no playing sports and hanging out with friends".

Answer 4

Your situation sounds a lot like my mother and fathers situation. My dad cheated on my mom was I was really little and she left him. At first she told me it was really hard to even have to be around him just for the sake of me. It is now like 10 years later and they get along fine. I think there are certain situations that you will have to be together for, birthdays, graduation, marriage. So just be civil and it will work itself out. I am so glad to hear that you don't say anything negative about your ex around your son. Just stay positive and good luck :)

Answer 5

the actuality his spouse cheated and immediately remarried is none of your difficulty. besides the indisputable fact that, if the babies stay together with her and she or he expects you to %. them up and extremely anticipate duty for them for the reason which you're a stay at residing house mom that may not suited. I see your husbands factor nevertheless that in case you are trying this then a minimum of he can see his young ones every day. nevertheless, it extremely is unreasonable to anticipate you to try this on a on a regular basis foundation whilst they're residing with the ex. I advise you handle a time table and comply with doing this say thrice a week so your husband can see his babies. You reported you will not ideas some days a week and that's trustworthy yet I agree waiting so you might anticipate each and all of the duty for the different 2 young ones on a on a regular basis foundation is bigoted. I think of together with her job she makes a respectable gross revenues so can arise with the money for to hire somebody a pair of days a week to guard them after college. I additionally advise you tell the ex which you would be extra suitable than happy to help out some days a week yet given you're actually not working money is tight and you may get excitement from her paying for the gas you're utilising because of the fact it extremely is price and you may not extremely arise with the money for the extra value. I in common terms advise asking this in the adventure that your husband is paying toddler help nevertheless because of the fact if he isn't then he could a minimum of be paying for the gas it extremely is allowing him to make certain his babies.

Answer 6

the no contact rule sometimes works but not usually because the child can play the two against each other. if the parents don't communicate you are vulnerable to a divide-and-conquer clever child (mine would tell one family the other family would not buy her things [even though we did] and thus get two of everything).
the kids transfer information between homes. there is no getting around that. and often exs send info through the kids. bad idea. your suggestion puts too much pressure on the kids imho.

Answer 7

Unfortunately its not possible.. unless u expect his new wife not to be involved with ur child except when inside her home and thats not going to happen, there will be functions in ur sons life that she will attend, sport events, school functions, weddings, etc.. and u will have to deal with her sooner or later..

Doesnt mean u have to be best friends with her, just means u should try and be civil with each other.. plain and simple but alottttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt of people find it impossible to be civil.. and thats what makes it hard..

Answer 8

I agree - I do not think anyone should HAVE to deal with anyone they really just don't want to deal with!!!

Not everyone deserves my kindness or time of day - and if I do not like someone, there is just about nothing that can change that.

As far as EX's are concerned.....unless there are kids involved, they should NEVER be hanging around!

Answer 9

We don't have to get along but some chose to. I completely understand in your situation why you would just want to simply avoid each other and it makes sense in your situation.
In my situation- my husband's ex was the one who cheated and left- she and I don't have any history together to cause any kind of unnecessary drama. So in our situation there is no reason for us not to deal with each other.
If we all work together and leave the past where it belongs- in the past- it makes it better for the kids.

Answer 10

you do not have to be friends with the girlfriend. who is to say she will even still be around after a year or even a month? for your childs sake if you had to talk to the woman just be civil. i am dealing with these issues also with my ex husbands fiance. i thought i wanted to be friends with her because she would be around my son. i dont talk to her anymore because it just felt awkward. i will only talk to her if i really have to. im not going to go out of my way to be mean or nice to her. my boyfriends ex wife is nice. we arent friends either but we do get along.