Do you consider this as a bad thing?

Question

My friend is thinking about leaving her husband. The thing she is struggling with is that she is younger, and this is her second marriage. He husband can be a major A$$hole, but she thinks that everyone will look down on her for being divorced twice. She really needs to be whole again, and I don't think she can even live a healthy (mentally) life with him. Is it a big deal these days to be divorced twice. She shouldn't stay because of people looking down on her for being divorced twice? Am I right?

Answer 1

You are right. If she and her husband have exhausted every means of trying to make the marriage work and it just can't then she needs to leave.

Answer 2

Tell your friend not to worry about being divorced twice. That's really not such a big deal nowadays. If anyone says anything derogatory to her, she should just change the subject. Being/staying married is damn hard... men can be particularly dense, especially when it comes to interacting with their spouse. The majority of guys that marry have what I call "Fisherman's Syndrome"

That means they use "bait" they know their girlfriend likes [romantic stuff] until she marries him. Then it's a whole different story. THEN their attitude becomes "Well, I caught my limit [like you're a fish]. We're married and she's not going anywhere. I can relax now". At which point they revert back to their REAL behavior.

Having been married 30 years, I can give you a pointer on how to tell if you are compatible with someone you might marry. Ask him about his parents: how did they meet; at what ages did they marry; were they a loving couple in public, holding hands, etc, or standoffish, especially at home. Did they laugh a lot? Did they put aside time for themselves.? What about the kids... was there mental, verbal, or physical abuse?

The more you can find out about how he grew up, the greater insight you will have into his personality, the easier it will be for you to understand what he'll be like once he "relaxes" after you're married. Learning about a females true personality and values goes the same for guys interested in women... find out about the values and mores instilled in her by her parents as well.

Answer 3

I cant advise someone I dont know whether or not to leave a marriage, unless their is violence involved. But worrying about what people you havent even met yet might think aint much of a reason for anything, let alone to stay in a bad marriage. Besides being married to an a$$hole, as you put it, is probably alot more harmful to your reputation than being divorced twice.

She might want to look at what it is about her that she keeps making bad choices. Hopefully she can shed some light on that before she marries the same guy again in a different body.

Answer 4

She needs to get out of the situation. Some people would look down on her, sure, but is it really worth it to stay with someone who treats her like crud just because strange people she doesn't even know will think less of her? It's not like she's carrying a sign around that says 'divorced twice, wanna try?' Only people she told would know. You are correct, and she needs to be happy.

Answer 5

I don't think people should judge her. And I don't think she should stay in an intolerable situation by staying married. But if I met someone who had already been divorced twice at such a young age, I would think twice about getting too serious about them. I wouldn't mind dating them, I just wouldn't consider them a serious relationship until they'd been divorced from the last person for quite some time.

Answer 6

I've been divorced 3 times and I'm still pretty young. Some people won't want to deal with that much in your background, but someone will. If it's quite clear that she has taken valuable lessons from her marriages that will make her more selective and a better partner in the future, she'll find someone. Whatever happens, I hope she doesn't rush any decision.

Answer 7

My mother (who is 60) is married to husband number 4. No,
two is not bad (we call her Liz Taylor Jr). Tell her to take some serious time before she gets hooked up and married again and do some serious thinking into what kind of man she really needs before making another commitment. Sounds like she is the type to pick what she wants and not what is compatible and make some self esteem issues she needs to talk about with the a councilor.

Answer 8

I need a little more information to give an opinion. What brought them together and what if anything has changed? Is it an abusive situation? Abuse comes in many forms. Is it physical or mental?
Does he prevent her from seeing and speaking to her friends? Can she make her own decisions? One thing she has in her favor is a good friend. While she is deciding, talk to her about an escape plan. In case things get worse. Can she leave an extra set of clothes at your house, copies of important documents? Tell her no one will think less of her,for making the right decision.

Answer 9

I don't think people are going to look down on her. If they do, oh well. She needs to do what makes her happy. If being married to a jerk is the only way she can avoid people looking down on her, then she really needs to rethink things. I think you should be her friend and tell her the decision is hers and if she's not happy, then leave. Don't worry about what others think. Everyone has their skeletons in the closet and she needs to remember that when she's worried about people looking down on her. It's none of their business. Good luck!!

Answer 10

She needs to do, what ever it takes for her to be happy.
Ok so she has been divorced twice, maybe she isnt reallly good when it comes to picking men, but arent we all.
Just reassure her, that the people that love her and know what her current hubby is like will understand. Others obviously werent friends anyway.
next time she tells you she is getting married....tell her to wait a few years before she does it again, she will end up been the modern Liz Taylor!