is this a good paragraph (short so please read it)?

Question

One of the things that led to Rome's coruption was the high unemploinment in ther country. United States has the same problem. In October of 1949 the unemploinment wat up to 849,000 jobs, July 1956 was at 687,000, and December 1974 was at 673,000 jobs. Than after September 11,2001 employers cut 415,00 jobs. This is the biggest number since May of 1980 at 460,000 jobs. Even though the numbers have gotten smaller they're still to high.
is this ok and do u have any suggestions on making it better and ill do spelling check later

Answer 1

This is not a good example of a paragraph because the topic sentence has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph. One way to fix that is to change the topic sentence to, "The Roman Empire, much like modern-day United States, had a high unemployment rate, which was one of the factors of its corruption." Also, the ending sentence is supposed to tie the whole idea together, so try a sentence like, "The United States need only look at the history of Rome to see what might happen unless this problem is corrected."

Misspelled words-
corruption
unemployment
their
was
then
too

Also, you might want to get a thesaurus and find some synonyms for the word "jobs." You overuse it in your paragraph.

Answer 2

What is the purpose of comparing Rome to the U. S. if there is only one sentence about Rome. I suggest deleting that sentence. There is nothing in the paragraph that states WHY unemployment is high in the US. If you are trying to compare the the unemployment rates by year I suggest that you create a chart showing the increase or decrease between them.

Suggested opening sentence:

The causes of the high unemployment rate in the United States can be attributed to...(at this point explain what the reasons are), next explain why (in your opinion).

Then create the chart, example below; and the conclusion of the paragraph can deal with your suggestions about how this problem could be improved

National unemployment rates:

October 1949: 849,000 jobs lost
July 1956: 687,000 jobs lost
December 1974: 673,000 jobs lost
May of 1980: 460,000 jobs lost
September 2001: 415,000 jobs lost

However after September 11 employers cut 415,00 jobs and the job market fell dramatically and became the largest number since May of 1980. Even though the numbers have gotten smaller they're still too high. and perhaps the job market could be improved by (your suggestions here___________).

The reason I suggested the chart is that many times it is difficult to focus on the numbers when written in sentences. This way it is more visual and easier to understand. Good luck!

gatita_63109

Answer 3

Edited:

One of the seminal issues that led to Rome's corruption was the high unemployment in the country, the United States also having the same problem. In October of 1949 unemployment rose up to 849,000, July 1956 stood with 687,000 unemployed, and in December 1974 it had begun to decline further with 673,000. Comparing these figures to the loss of earners after September 11, 2001, employers cut 415,00 jobs. This is the biggest number since May of 1980 which stood at 460,000 jobs. Even though the numbers periodically seem to be decreasing they're still to high.

Answer 4

Many issues contributed to Rome's coruption, but perhaps the most insidious was the high unemployment rate in their country. I maintain that The United States has the same problem. Take for example October of 1949, when the unemployment rate soared to 849,000 people out of work. By July, 1956 it had dipped to 687,000, and by December 1974 it was at 673,000 jobs. Immediately after September 11,2001 employers cut 415,000 jobs, which was the largest number seen in since May of 1980 when 460,000 jobs were cut. Even though the numbers have gotten smaller, it is this writer's position that they still way too high.

Answer 5

Fizzyguurl1980 gave you some excellent advice on a topic sentence and an ending sentence. I think that both her sentences are very good. You might want to look at changing some phrasing; ",,,unemployment was up to 849,000 jobs,..." .There were 849,000 people without jobs. Also keep your figures more or less the same. You start out using unemployment figures in 1949 and 1956 and then use the number of jobs lost after 9/11/01. How about adding in what the total unemployment was after those jobs were eliminated? Keeps the units of measure and comparison the same.

Answer 6

Spelling! Oops you knew this.

Changes:

The United States has had the same problem. In October of 1949, the unemployment rate was up to 849~ jobs, and in July 1956 is was at 687~, and in December 1974 is was 673~ jobs.

(new paragraph)
Then, in September 2001, employers cut 415~ jobs. This was the biggest number since May, 1980, at 460~ jobs. Even though the numbers are smaller, they are still too high.

[watch tense, watch paragraph structure - usually three or four sentences to a paragraph. A paragraph should be a thought-unit]

Answer 7

Aside from the misspellings, your use of the data you have is confusing. It's not clear whether there were 849,000 jobs in America in 1949 or 849,000 jobs lost in 1949. The same applies to the other dates as well. I understand that you are attempting to compare Rome's corruption to the present day corruption in the United States, but your use of unemployment seems like a difficult way to do that. You would first have to establish that ancient Rome and the United States had similar societies and governments. Then you would have to provide some data that would show that the rise of corruption in Rome was linked to unemployment. Finally you'd have to use your data to show that the United States was on the same path. For now you need to bring some clarification to your paragraph. Make sure your readers understand what the statistics mean.

Answer 8

You are not getting into the meat of what you are trying to present. Unemployment caused corruption... how? Why are you adding in the US? Is it important to what you are writing about? If not, lose the comment about the US. Why do you have the number of jobs at certain times, how is this important, then explain how it relates. That last sentence does not make sense. That is no conclusion, you start talking about corruption and then it gets lost. Where do you want to go with this paragraph?

My suggestion is to look at the questions that you have to answer for his assignment (if it is an assignment). Each question should have its own paragraph. From there expand. This paragraph makes no sense whatsoever. You jump from one part to the next.

What does corruption have to do with unemployment in Rome? What does the US have to do with it? Why is the amount of jobs (are these avaliable or are these the numbers of unemployed people?) important to this paragraph? Your conclusion makes no sense and doesn't really pertain to what you are writing about.

My suggestion: stop the BS and just stick to the question. If you start to get off topic, go to another question or even another assignment. Come back to it a half hour later and try again. Reread when you come back. This is reading what you wrote with a fresher mind. And remember, unless it is apart of making your point or it is not apart of the question asked - don't add it. You will get a better grade on the assignment guaranteed.

Answer 9

The corruption problem was not so much a matter of unemployment but the system in which votes were aquired from the populice. Even though unemployment was rampant it was not as a result of lack of work as much as many construction and engenerring as well as martial operations were taking place through out the empire. The policy of buying votes to ensure a place in the political theatre was the true nature of the problem. Even though slavery was a big part of the system, there was nothing in place to ensure what would happen to those that achieved thier freedom or came to Rome seeking the prosparity of the the city. Many fled the rural life for protection from hostile tribes from neighboring settlements. These people became what we know call the unemployed and the appeasment of these persons was needed to secure the right to "represent" the people of Rome in a Democratic system of government. With out the need to gain favor and maintain a position in office(as well as power ansd social positon) there would have been little to no corruption caused by the effect of the unemployed. Also is is good to remember that the only reason that these people were even mentioned in history is a result of the need to secure votes not out of actual concern for those unemployed. If you remember another time from history that alot of people were in simular employment situations being the middle ages before the industrial revolution, there was little to no concern for the poor or unemployed because they held no active roll in government because of the feifdom system of government that was present at tne time. Perhaps it woul;d be better to say that because the unemployed enjoyed such an active roll in government during Roman times, that corruption found an easier foothold to grow in Roman democtaric policy.

Answer 10

In the first sentence, change the last part to "...was high employment." Adding the "in their country" part should already be assumed since you've already stated what country you're referring to.

Correct 2nd sentence to " The United States...

Sentence 3 is a run-on sentence.

Sentence 4, don't start your sentence simply with, "After September 11..."

Sentence 5, I would change the beginning of the sentence to, "This is the largest increase in unemployment since May of 1980 when unemployment was at 460,000 lost jobs."

You don't need to start out the last sentence with "Even". It's redundant. Simply begin with, "Though" which is transitioning your point just fine as a paranthetical phrase.